Meanderings With Sreekanth

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4/16/21, 11:07 PM – Sreekanth Kesava:
Dear Friends. Over the past few months, i have been quit active on WhatsApp. While it has been nice to be quick and prompt, it has come at a huge expense. Continuous staring at the small phone screen has impacted my eyesight very badly. My power has increased a lot and i can hardy read much on the screen. It has also increased my double vision a lot. Also, continuously keeping the phone on my thigh and staring at it lying down, is leading to a lot of neck pain.

So, im not cutting it off completely, but intend to cut down WhatsApp drastically (any phone screen activity for that matter)
so please excuse my tardiness going forward…

4/16/21, 11:40 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Oh …take care, health first. Yes we quite understand. Take care ???

6/4/21, 10:44 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Thanks for your useful engagement on the group Sreenath. These are the kind of efforts which I think will help the group towards its purpose.?? I hope your vision is better..

6/4/21, 10:47 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Thanks Hardeep. Vision slightly better. Double vision has reduced a lot.??

6/4/21, 10:55 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Oh that is great, any specific exercises that helped you …maybe you could share on the group…I am trying to compile all these discussions and put them on the forum too for future reference….

6/4/21, 10:57 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Nothing really. The double vision went on it’s own and i started wearing glasses for the power…

6/4/21, 11:19 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Nice, God is kind ??

7/23/21, 1:42 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Thank you Hardeep. I can’t feel most of my abdomen. So exercise is out of question for now…
7/23/21, 2:01 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Oh I see…all my prayers and best wishes. It is indeed great that you are making such efforts to communicate and recover, Sreekanth. I am sure they will bear fruit…did you see the Kati and Henning chat we had awhile ago ?
7/23/21, 2:54 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: ??
Yes i did watch it.
( for any other, the chat is on youtube :

8/3/21, 12:40 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Something i shared with a few folks recently:

This note may sound a bit accusatory to everyone in general. It feels like I’m saying things taking a bit of a higher moral ground. I can assure you that is not the intent and i am guilty for all of the same things , a lot when I was able and some even now.. My state after the stroke has only allowed me a certain perspective which I am sharing.

When I had the stroke, and was moved from the ICU to the ward (HDU), one of the biggest challenges i faced was to grab anyone’s attention. I had no voice or movement of any sort.. i would be lying down looking for what seemed like an eternity for me, hoping that someone would lift their head and look at me and realise i needed something. (Its a different matter if they looked at me, i wouldn’t know what to do anyway and it would make no difference). That started my animosity towards devices in general and I have been observing how they impact us ever since.

My nurses in the house, all of them, care for me all day, everyday. Weekend is just another day. Its not an 8 to 5 job either. It starts with first feed at 6:00am and something or the other keeps happening till 11:30pm, which is the last feed. In the night, when they are woken up for something, they are just unable to resist the lure and go back to sleep without checking the phone. They get sucked in unable to put it down for half an hour atleast. Doesn’t matter what time it is. They get some respite in the evening when I’m on the wheelchair. That time too is spent romancing their mobiles.

I have observed folks in conversation with each other with and without any device with them. The amount of involvement, expressions of the face, body language… It is so much richer and conveys so much more than when they are checking something on their phone in parallel.

I have seen folks doing things with and without their Phone. The amount of attention that they can give, the amount of involvement in what they are doing is multifold when they are not fiddling with it.

When children (any age) are trying to have a conversation with an adult, trying to grab their active attention. The energy, enthusiasm and gleam in their eyes, goes away when unsuccessful in the attempt to grab attention . They are undoubtedly very demanding and irritating many times. If we ask them, if they like what we adults do, i assume they will pour their frustrations out…

I have watched documentaries depicting the same, world over, and the losing battle against the devices. There was one, showing young parents, in malls, parks, outdoor spaces basically, staring at their phones. The toddlers in their prams doing things and not getting attention and the possible emotional impacts growing up.

I have to say here, a good friend of mine, who (by choice) doesn’t own a smartphone is a person i have observed fully involved in anything he is doing. Whether it is speaking with someone, doing something, playing a game of cards, playing with the kids or simply watching something on tv. Social media is miles away, he doesn’t even have a WhatsApp account.

That is a very utopian state for most of us. We cannot however ignore the plethora of benefits by smart devices as well. I certainly feel that the positive value addition outweighs the pitfalls if used appropriately.

We mostly think we can do many things together because we can multitask. I think, multitasking is a good ability in general. I however think, we can do only one thing with active involvement and other things done passively, relegated to the subconscious. For eg, we can be driving, listening to music and have a conversation with someone at the same time. Normally, talking takes active involvement, while the rest the subconscious can manage. However, if we are still learning to drive, we simply can’t do anything else.

Our devices and the apps in them need our active attention. Whether it is messaging, checking mails, or reading some post, it does need attention. Anything else we are doing, if it also needs focus, something will be compromised.

Unfortunately, the apps invariably win. They have poured tons of money and research to make them more addictive to get our time. Yes, time is money. Our time is their money. The more active time we give the more marketable they are.

Its General intelligence vs Artificial intelligence. While General intelligence can accomplish complex and abstract work, it is no match with AI when it comes to crunching huge volumes of mundane data and identify exactly what makes us addicted. Whether it is the notifications, the teasers that there are new posts, telling you there are updates, telling you someone is online, telling you someone is typing, etc. These and several other things to keep us hooked and spend more time. These are just common things. Now you add on top individual tastes, online behaviour, specific times, etc. We won’t stand a chance.

I have also observed, that more one is addicted to devices and very used to the world of instant gratification, will eventually struggle with various degrees of attention deficit and impatience in general.

We have any hope of winning, if we disarm its strengths.

The biggest strength they all have is their ability to summon us. The notifications of the device and apps. The blinking light, or a vibration, or a tune, whatever it is, switching on all notifications is like arming the enemy before the battle.

Yes, notifications are important. Otherwise we will miss important things. But for most things it is not needed. It is definitely not important to know instantaneously that someone commented on something.

In my view, calls are needed (its a phone after all), sms maybe, notifications on everything else is probably not needed. Maybe some folks who usually need urgent responses, especially because WhatsApp is taken for granted even at work , everyone else can be muted. Its a bit tedious but not impossible (it took less than 30 minutes to do this – with my left hand in slow motion ?). Similarly, different devices have different settings that can be set to our advantage…

Their weakness is unfortunately not an easy one to exploit. It is a question of how strong we can be. How long can we ignore it and not succumb to compulsion and go and check it.

In my view, once we take it into our hands, there is no going back. One thing will suck us into another and by the time we address emails, messages, chats, social media apps (multiple), etc., an eternity will have passed. That’s one of the main reasons why I think, alloting device time doesn’t work. Also, if there are important things to do, it has to be done right.

Instead, maybe we can have more success in “No Device” time. Where there is no real restriction once you pick up the device, but once done with it, we don’t pick it up for a pre-decided timeframe. It can start small and increase gradually, just like a de-addiction program would. It should not be at arms length anywhere and it should take some effort to go get it.

Apart from calls, almost everything on the mobile/devices are asynchronous. Any attention needed can wait and be done late. Someone once had told me, that if it is both very important and very urgent, someone will call!

It is also a behavioral thing, where if we keep immediately responding, thats the unstated expectation we are setting with everyone. Start ignoring, and deal with it when you can, consistently and the expectation will be reset gradually.

On some days, my younger daughter will be on my bed with me, chatting or playing or watching something on tv with me. After some time, I catch myself reaching to the phone. To do what, i have no idea. I’m involved in nothing urgent or important for a very long time now. And I know that too. Yet i struggle with the compulsive behaviour. I have to check myself each time and tell myself its ok to ignore. I can deal with anything later…

I have to confess though, I have more than necessary notifications enabled on my phone. Well, I have nothing else to do. That’s my full time vocation most days.

Some of the things i have said might sound very presumptuous and very prescriptive. I apologise if i have said something incorrectly.

So .. I’ll stop my rambling here. Hopefully you can start with some form of de-addiction and detox program…

8/3/21, 1:10 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Very well written…yes the devices and SM can be very addictive and are mostly winning too, it seems…there is a Netflix movie too on that I recall ..
I think it also depends upon nature of one’s job ..I was in patent drafting not too long ago and as it requires concentration there’d be hours before I’d look on. whatsapp etc. Now I feel am doing it much more, and need to stop.
Great perspective….can I put on our Website ?

8/3/21, 2:04 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: If you think it’ll be helpful to others, please do…

8/13/21, 7:45 PM – Hardeep Sodhi:

Devices and apps- are you being enslaved ?

Hi Sreekanth

Your thoughts are posted as above..if you want to change anything , let me know and I will do the necessary, before putting them on the group – or maybe you would like to do that ?.

8/14/21, 12:55 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Hardeep ji, I once in a while write to some of my friends. Just to unload things from my head. Mostly anything that comes to my head. I can share with you also so you can read and if you find relevance to the strokesupportgroup you can share it/put it up. I don’t put on any groups so as to avoid group debates or controversy…

8/14/21, 1:22 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: I understand – that is what we are trying to work out presently.. to my mind, individual journey of group members -their thoughts, achievements, celebrations even if non-stroke related should be allowed, since it allows everyone to see not only a stroke affected but a person. How to keep a balance is an issue , but again I think we need to come to that only if there is too much non-stroke relevant thoughts- maybe once a month from a member, published on our website and then circulated to the group should be fine – what do you think ?

8/14/21, 2:23 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Sounds good Hardeep. I also feel we should somehow get not just stroke survivors, but affected carers and family members affected by the whole thing, to come forth and share their journey. It can be very reassuring to others. Both other carers and stroke survivors too. For most of the time, we are just guessing or their feelings, what they are going through and how they are dealing with it all

8/14/21, 2:24 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Today’s note:

Sometime back, I had written about my 3 Gods.

Its only fair to tell you about the 3 devils as well. I refer to them as Devils and not Demons. The demons are inside my mind and make an entrance, once in a while, in various types. Almost always they bring out the Devils as well.

The Devils are hyenas. They hunt in a pack and all 3 of them come together.

After the stroke, like many other things, I can hardly control my emotions. Something can trigger a bout of laughter and i won’t be able to stop. Equally, many things set me off crying and i won’t be able to stop. Sometimes, it goes on for so long, that after a while, I won’t even remember what I am crying about in the first place, but I just can’t stop.

Some days I can’t help but feel overwhelmingly sad and down for the general state of things in my life. I know, I know, I shouldn’t think like that and count the positives. It is , akin to giving someone a medicine but they can’t think about Monkeys while taking it for it to be effective . And then all they can think about is the monkeys 🙂

When i was in the hospital, I used to go on these bawling trips, uncontrollable sorrow, only to have my nurses incessantly asking, if I had some form of physical pain or discomfort, whether i had headache, stomach ache and so on. It was like the mental state just didn’t matter.

Last October, when I had just started using whatsapp, I did send a long message to my nurse, explaining i was crying out of sorrow and not because of any physical pain . Either it was not understood or didn’t matter, for nothing changed. Even at home, the nurses do no different. I guess its an awkward situation for them too and they don’t know what else to do and how else to deal with it.

I am sure I am not the only stroke survivor to go through this. At least my thinking part of the brain is ok and I am able to think straight and can bring the detailed train of thoughts back on track. Many folks are not so lucky and it affects thinking too. Many such demon’s can’t be be easily controlled and they might not be able to convey it or even recognize it. I am sure they will probably need some professional help, beyond just antidepressants, to deal with it all…

That said, coming back to the hyenas…

#1 is the pulse-oxymeter.

#2 is the thermometer.

#3 is the sphygmomanometer (the BP machine)

The 3 of them certify I am fine. Irrespective of how bad I may be feeling and visibility distressed and bawling away. I must be fine, for the 3 of them declare so.

It is very very irritating to hear I am doing fine, when I am visibility struggling with thoughts, feelings and emotions…

Hence my devils….

8/14/21, 2:43 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Absolutely, the family caregivers are a very integral part of a stroke affected journey.

8/14/21, 2:50 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: ??? indeed it is just not possible for any to walk into anyone else’s shoes, much more so into that of a stroke affected as you. We all can only theorize and imagine. It is wonderful however that you can communicate well. At least it gets some stuff off your chest and may be help those around you as well. All my prayers for some healings. Curious – what was your impression of session with Brisa ?

8/14/21, 3:02 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Brisa was very inspirational.I have heard a lot of that talk from a lot of people.But you know its a talk from some other book.To hear from her was very different and impactful. For we know that the talk, we are hearing the walk.

8/14/21, 3:48 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: True. ??

( HS : Our chat with Brisa can be found here :

8/15/21, 10:15 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Every afternoon I struggle. I am fed some fluid (juice or soup or just warm water) orally. They give it in a small spoon, not full, just half spoons. It may be about 3-4ml each time. However, I am unable to swallow it. It invariably goes into the wind pipe, causing a violent cough and struggle and most days I am unable to withstand it and we stop after a few spoons.

For an effective swallow,

1. The morsel of anything (called bolus) needs to be encapsulated and pushed back and down into the throat (pharynx)

2. At the same time, the nasal cavity is closed off to prevent stuff from going into the nose.

3. As the bolus comes down, the lungs have to hold the breath and vocal folds (or vocal chords) needs to close so as to close the wind pipe.

4. The epiglottis (another soft tongue like muscle) seals off the wind pipe fully.

5, the entrance to the food pipe (circular muscles called sphincter in the upper oesophageal cavity) needs to open up to allow the bolus to get in.

6. At this time, the larynx (or voice box, sometimes referred to as Adam’s Apple) needs to elevate and basically get out of the way to open the oesophagus fully)

7. Once the bolus goes in, the muscles at the top needs to squeeze to start the movement down the food pipe (peristalsis)

That is what it takes, in layman’s terms. The actual process is even more complex and i have simplified it.

That’s not all. The lower end of the oesophagus (entrance to stomach) has another sphincter muscle which has to close tight to prevent any back flow. Otherwise we can kiss goodbye to a restful nap after a heavy meal.

That doesn’t sound like swallowing food. It sounds like a rocket launch. But a rocket launch has several seconds of countdown. The swallow through the throat (pharyngeal cavity) happens in a fraction of a second and everything needs to be coordinated and sequenced correctly.

If something goes wrong and the food bits enter the wind pipe, involuntary defenses of cough reflex kicks in for protection.

Most of it is involuntary and subconscious. We weren’t trained it or practiced it before the game. Babies do it on day 1. Not just us, every animal does it.

And its still a very small part of everything we do everyday without having to think about it.

And we still look for other miracles…

8/15/21, 10:45 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: Coming back to this, so how do you overcome these feelings of distress ?

8/15/21, 12:40 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: In the moment, there is no way but to cry it out. Later when I can compose myself, I write down my thoughts and share to unburden.

8/15/21, 1:14 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: ???

8/18/21, 12:25 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Some of you have remarked sometimes on something I have written, as it was very nice or conveyed something well, etc.

So I thought I should throw some light on it…

In the very initial days, I think around Sep of 2020, I was started to be able to type using my 1 finger. Very strenuous and painful. After a few words, the finger would stop moving or not moving where I wanted it to. So i had to conserve the energy for important things (mostly instructions to Chitra) and a few pleasantries if possible. I was staying in the hospital too. So, mostly it was enquiries and instructions.

Maybe by Oct mid, I could write a couple of sentences. That is when I started to write a few things. Then I quickly realized its not possible for me to type out something fully in one shot. There is no possibility of keeping something as draft in WhatsApp. After losing something which I had painfully typed, I realized it was a bad idea to compose in WhatsApp.
So, Gmail to the rescue… It saves draft automatically every few seconds and i could type and break for rest and restart again when possible…

Then, i hit a different problem. I don’t know when i hit it. I could type long messages, but I still have a very slow hand and even slower finger. It still took very long. And i don’t get time (can you believe that!). Not time really, no contiguous time. Between physio, sponge bath, bedside sitting, feeds every 2 hrs, bathroom breaks, any change in-between, shifting to wheelchair (when I don’t have the phone and even if i did, i couldn’t really type). Any in-between time goes with constant interruption by nebulization or checking vitals or mouth care or shaving every few days and oral feeding (and recovery after). I can’t think I’ll get up early or stay up late to finish something. Its fixed – 6am – 11:30pm. So no clean headspace time. Night, 9:30-11:30 is probably the most fertile time. Most of the other interrupted times, I use for catching up with folks, netflix, youtube, etc .

So, even though i have thoughts, it will get diluted or hazy before i can type and send.

The other thing is, thoughts don’t follow a set timetable. the sneaky buggers come in the most inconvenient times. When i don’t have the phone with me. They are like fantastic dreams. Its hard to even remember what the dream was regarding later..

So, here is the current process:

1. When i get some thought, as quickly as possible, I open a mail and just put down a few words in the subject which can remind me later what it was about. (I initially did put things in the mail body itself. But soon realised the fun of having many draft emails and finding the right one in the folder without subjects ?)
2. Next opportunity (usually same day) i go back and put down everything i thought about. Just 1 line or a word to remind me the aspects about it. An outline. A bulleted list if you will.
3. Then i can go back and elaborate these. Mostly like each of them become logical paragraphs. It can be on the same day or across multiple days.
4. After its done, I read it to see if it conveys what I wanted to say. Not for my understanding – I already know what i thought. I read it like someone else is reading and does it still make sense to somebody else. edits if not.
5. Then i read it again, a little later, to see if my choice of words , phrases are appropriate to what it should be interpreted as and intended to be. I have put my foot into my mouth many times without this.
6. This usually takes less time as i would have corrected on the go. Just a final proof reading to fix typos etc.
7. Ctrl+C in gmail, Ctrl+V in WhatsApp + Send.

So there could a handful of dishes in the oven at various stages of baking, not yet ready to be served.

Sounds like a lot, but its just a production process. Over time, it gets more efficient and faster as well. It can be done by anyone having a need to. Steps 4 onwards can even be conceivably outsourced if needed.

But frankly, that’s the easy part. We all can follow some process in our minds and get it right and get good at it. Today, you don’t need a keyboard. We can just say it and the device will type. Smarter ones will come, if not already here, to better structure it, use better language etc. If Musk’s Neuralink project becomes a reality, we don’t even have to speak it.

The very difficult part, for all of us, is being willing to share. Life has taught us enough lessons to keep “our cards close to our hearts”. We are confronted by too many shields of inhibitions. ‘Suppose it sounds stupid’, ‘what if it doesn’t make sense’, ‘its silly’, ‘I can’t write anything for nuts’, ‘what will they think about me’, ‘I will be judged for everything after this’, etc.

It was easy for me. Life had broken most inhibitions for me by the time I was even capable of writing a word of it.

I don’t know how to get past them normally. It may just help with each hurdle to imagine “so what” for each scenario. It may help.

I am not campaigning for sharing all our thoughts with everybody. A few of them with a few folks who we are comfortable with. Hopefully, a varied few people who don’t all think the same way. Otherwise how will we know if we are thinking correctly. What if we are forming our own beliefs and dogmas unchallenged? We might be dishing them out to others as helpful advice too. Dangerous right?

I am not asking everyone to write. Share and debate our thoughts in whichever way it works. Perspectives keep changing with time, with age, with new discoveries. How to stay current with perspectives not just facts.?

Typing is very tedious. I do it not out of choice but the lack of it. I am not really writing. I am talking to you folks. It’s just that this is the medium that I can use. I have said this earlier, I certainly don’t expect anyone to talk back all the time. But I hope for a conversation once a while. I certainly don’t imagine when I am writing, that I have to make a speech or give a sermon.

Its not talk for a chit-chat always. For me, its therapy. I have physiotherapy everyday for my body, i will get regular SLP for speech and swallowing therapy. In the meantime, a little bit of breathing exercises and attempts at swallowing is going on.
But what to do above the throat/ mouth?
I’m assuming it’s “use it, or lose it” there also…

I certainly don’t think it’s something great that you get these from me. On the contrary, I feel very privileged to be able to share these with you. The conversations I have had are both very therapeutic and very valuable to me. In some remote and small way, I am hoping it is helpful to you also, whether we have that conversation or not. So , I will keep sharing for both of us …

8/21/21, 11:13 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Both before the stroke and after, I have listened to a lots of speakers, read several books and blogs. All admirable ones – for inspiration.

I have undoubtedly been very much touched by many of those. But after the stroke, their impact on me reduced drastically. Everything seemed good words one could do when they are able to. There have been many stories representing the struggles of many, battling through their circumstances and a variety of illnesses. I have tremendous respect to them as well. However, as much as I admired all of them, their victories and messages, I simply could not connect with them. It was their journey and the corresponding narrative.

Until I encountered the story of ‘Brisa Alfaro’. This was a different story altogether.

It was frankly an unbelievable story. I was moved because it was a very similar story. It was the closest comparable journey so far…

I am part of a support group called “StrokeSupportIndia”. Often, they organise an external guest speaker, to participate and share their stories and learning in their journey.

Few days back, we were very fortunate to have Brisa as the speaker. I was very overwhelmed, to say the least. I’m sure the impression I left for everyone around me was “whats the fuss, when I had seen and knew all this”.

Everyone talks their walk. But I couldn’t see the end to my journey because it was a different walk. With Brisa, the starting points were same. There will be differences in trajectories. The length might be much longer. But the end state was very encouraging.

My journey by no measure seems like it will be a short ride.. just have to keep chipping at it daily without wondering “are we there yet”. Is this it. Is it over. Over time, it has definitely dampened the spirit a bit.

Watching Brisa’s journey and achievement, definitely lifted up the energy and spirit. Hope was rekindled.

I have shared here a video of her story earlier. Here again:

A video of the talk (if you are interested and have time):

8/21/21, 11:25 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: ???…may share on our FB group….

8/24/21, 1:09 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Some days back, I mentioned that I was part of a support group called Stroke Support India. We have a group on WhatsApp and Telegram. There are stroke survivors, carers, affected family members, doctors and various therapists.

Lots of useful information gets shared, someone will answer or point somewhere if we have any queries and talks by others every once in a while.

A gentleman by name Hardeep runs it, almost single handed from what I know. Whether it is the groups, website, other social media or the talks. I frankly don’t know what fuels him

Before my stroke, I had no clue what a stroke is. Sure I had heard many folks mention it, but I had never given it a thought beyond that. I knew it meant some body part got paralyzed (as that was the only visible thing). Even then, I had assumed that paralysis was something that happened to that body part.

The Stroke Support India came out with their first newsletter few days back (attached). Apart from a small capsule on what a stroke is, it very usefully has a bit on the symptoms and what to look out for to determine if someone is having a stroke.

It is believed that the 1st hour is crucial (the golden hour), where the impact is least if someone gets right medical attention. After that, it will take longer to rehabilitate and recover.

Stroke affected folks and family members probably have an overdose of this information.

But it is important for everyone to know and recognise these symptoms.

I am proof that everyone should know and be aware.

8/24/21, 1:09 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: <Media omitted>
Newsletter – August 2021.pdf

8/24/21, 1:19 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Thanks much Sreekanth for circulation and your encouragement ?? Yes indeed very few people have even elementary knowledge of paralysis and stroke ..which was my state as well. Had I known even a little if what I know now, my journey may have been different. But perhaps that is life too.

8/29/21, 8:42 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: In recent times, I have encountered the phrase “running around like headless chicken” and each time I have thought, surely whoever coined that phrase had no idea – the headless chicken is not running anywhere, period.

It got me thinking on another thing – “muscle memory”. Something I have heard so many times. And have taken for granted a lot.

Every indication now was contrary to that understanding. If my muscles, for all their repetitions of so many things had done , had an iota of memory, something would have moved.

Sure, they have memory. Every cell has dna which is a record or memory of the entire body. But it purely biological. Unconscious. There was no conscious memory.

Here is my thinking:

We can regularly exercise and feed it nutritional food. But we can only make muscles strong, flexible, agile, etc. But memory, no way. Without the brain or mind more specifically, they are nothing.

When Neeraj Chopra threw the Javelin, he didn’t know the angle, he didn’t know the force, he didn’t even wait to see where it landed. He just knew, without thinking, that it was the winning throw. How did that happen?

I have played a lot of basketball in my time. Till date I have not known how much it weighs. Sometime long back, I knew the court dimensions. I have no idea about the dimensions of the board or basket. That’s not just me. I am sure most of us didn’t know. Yet most of us could throw the ball from most distances, from most heights and create different trajectories to score a basket. How did that work? Surely a conscious mind would need all those parameters to do the calculations to get it right.

My thinking is, as we do something repeatedly, it moves from the conscious to the subconscious. So we don’t have to think about it. But more importantly we have to do it incorrectly many times for the mind to calibrate the action. Much like they depict in movies, where a long distance sniper needs a few trial shots to be able to calibrate and fine tune to take a fatal shot with corrections.

When we played basketball, we would do what was called shooting practice. Basically trying to score a basket from different points several times. I now realise it was for fine-tuning and calibrating the mind. While it was very physically demanding and we hated it, there was much more non physical going on. So that, in a match situation, from any angle, from any distance and any trajectory we wanted, the mind didn’t have to think, but just the thought made the right position of the wrist, and release the ball with the right pressure needed for the shot.

Of course, I have taken the basketball thingy as an example because it was close to me. But I assume it to be true for anything we aspire to be good at. There probably is no shortcuts but practice for a long time. To move things from the conscious to subconscious and calibrate it…

8/31/21, 10:16 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Interesting read Sreekanth…I think it is not a memory issue many times – else you will not remember many other things as well. The issue is that the damaged neurons are not responsive to signals coming in from the nerves. Or, even if they can sense the signal, cannot send back an appropriate command. Increasingly, intense focus and imagination is being recognised as helping…as Brisa said. Also see :

https://www.saebo.com/shop/saebomind/

8/31/21, 10:17 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Further, the undamaged brain areas seem to be taking up tasks of the damaged ones…which is what neuroplasticity is . Some times even the opposite hemisphere !

8/31/21, 10:19 PM – Hardeep Sodhi:

See above, for example..

And this was almost five years ago – much has improved since then no doubt…

9/1/21, 10:00 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: That’s the only hope for us stroke survivors right.. Hoping it will, slowly but surely..

9/2/21, 10:39 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: For the past 2 days, i have got some very bad headaches. After the stroke, I have rarely had any all this while. Few rare instances here and there. Very mild ones. Before my stroke, it was a regular feature. I used to have a strip of tablets with me always.

I don’t think I have not been having them, I have them just as frequently. I just am unable to feel it. The pain receptor circuitry is probably fried.

From a few months into my stroke, my right shoulder has been very sublexed due to the muscles having fully wasted and atrophied and the arm dangling without support all the time. I could see the arm away from the shoulder socket very much. It was excruciating. Only to see, for i could feel nothing and no pain .It looks much better now with my physiotherapist constantly ensuring it is supported and regular taping. But I look forward to the pain, when it comes…

These aches and pains keep starting, with no change in routine, diet, sleep, etc. I can only assume it was always there but I couldn’t feel it till then.

Some of them mild, others unbearable but pleasurable all of them. For i can feel it , and hope sensation will return there.

Since last night around 1:00AM, I have a very intense burning sensation in my right foot. It was very unbearable for several hours. I felt like I was standing on a bed of burning embers of coal. If i could scream, I would have brought the roof down. I had to keep chanting all night reminding myself “your leg is fine, its only the head. Your leg is fine, it’s only the head”…I still have that burning sensation, but its a 100 times lesser and very ignorable.

Few days back, I had a very bad shoulder muscle pain. It was quite bad 1st day. Much better now with stretches by my physiotherapist, ointment, and ice packs application.

But really, there was nothing new from everyday routine. I don’t know if the muscle was paining, or my brain was manufacturing it. I don’t know if i nursed the muscle or it was a psychological  treatment for which my mind responded.

I might have a generally ok mind. But it is certainly impossible for me to know what is real vs what is real only for me…

9/2/21, 11:24 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: ??? one can only hope and pray these sensations even if painful are signs of some healing occurring in the brain…

9/5/21, 11:17 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: This has taken me the longest time to put it together – had to visit many dark and uncomfortable alleys along the way. It was not easy.

It is also my longest note till date. If you are in the middle of something or just planning, good idea to deal with it first.

*******

Sometime back i made a reference to my “Demons“. I will attempt to describe them here. Some of them are well and truly slain, some dormant, lurking in the dark corners and make their presence felt unexpectedly, when I am least prepared for the fight . Some, I am waging an ongoing battle. And many more yet to be encountered in areas I have not yet ventured into.

I actually feel many of them are not big burly creatures but single celled like the virus. It eats you up from the inside. No known vaccine also here . You simply have to get infected by each variant to gradually build antibodies and hopefully, immunity at some point.

So what i have listed is a kind of unordered list – as I could recall. Its not chronological except the first one.

So here goes:

***
The earliest that this one presented itself was maybe 6 weeks into my stroke. I don’t remember anything of the first 4 weeks anyway and it probably took another 2 weeks to become oriented and understand what had really happened..

It’s the “Why Me?” Demon.
I don’t think any stroke survivor can avoid this.its the constant question that rings in the head? You think of your life trying to find an explanation. In my case, It seemed unreasonably disproportionate to anything I had done. It can drive one mad! I can say with some authority there are no answers to be found. I feel if one has a strong faith and a belief in some God, this will be a very painful and a very long drawn battle.
If you believe a God, its very unlikely you won’t question why was i deserving of this punishment? If you subscribe to karma, you still can’t fathom, what did you do to be proportional to this price to be paid. It may be another life, but if you subscribe to karma, you have to automatically believe in reincarnation. One may not remember other lives, but you know it was the same you who did something so drastic to deserve this. It is a very horrible feeling to have to live with.

Eventually, its a lot easier to let go of all beliefs and to find reason in randomness. That it was all unplanned and just bad luck and i pulled the short straw. Any further search will lead to more misery.

Faith and belief may help in the later phases of recovery maybe.

The other thing is, who else?. If not myself, who would i nominate. Ya, there are many who I might think maybe qualify, but I don’t really know them personally. Amongst folks i know, who would I nominate to stand in on my behalf? That thought is unable to bear. Not anybody.

Then you can put your mind at ease.

We wear many cloaks for protection. Many we are not aware. This disrobed the ‘ego or self-centred’ cloak I guess.
**

One of the very first things i realised when I could, is that i was wearing a diaper. Everything I held private all my adult life was stripped off.

The “shame” demon had presented itself.

Multiple nurses, multiple ward boys, many doctors, all day, everyday. To be cared for this way, by young girls, less than half my age.

The most embarrassing thing, is my erections. It has nothing to do with what I think or feel. In fact I won’t even know till the diaper is opened, as I can’t feel much.

My welcome message to my nurses who come home is a profuse apology for this physiological behaviour, explaining my condition and for causing any discomfort to them (most of them don’t even know what is wrong with me or what a stroke is).

And off comes the ‘shame’ cloak.

**

I have lived as much as possible with self help. What i can do myself, i would and not ask others. That was my usual way. I considered myself more a ‘doer’ than a ‘thinker’. And one day, I realized I can’t move as much as a feather.

I can tell you, the “Uselessness” demon is very overwhelming. It comes swiftly and takes away the “Self sufficient” cloak.
**

For a short time, I battled this demon. I will call it “guilty of cause”.

All I had heard earlier was that stroke was because of lifestyle. So what did i get wrong? Sure, i could have worked a bit less, relaxed a bit more, etc. It ate me up thinking maybe I could have prevented it by living better.

The leading theory for my stroke is that I would crack my neck often. (If you have seen me do it, you will know what i mean). So many folks had told me, in jest, that someday my neck would break or the head would come off. I guess it did eventually. So a lot of guilt for not having listened, of not acting responsibly.

The witch hunt went on.

It subsided a while ago. I don’t remember doing anything particular against it. I guess after a while, my mind just got tired of the self blame and just let go.
**

This demon, I would call just plain “Guilt”. Guilt of consequences.

I have found it very hard to not think what all this has led to. I can’t begin to list them. There are so many. Most of which wouldn’t befall everyone around me if the story ended back with the stroke. The guilt of having survived is very heavy.

This one is not slain completely. Shows itself every now and then. I haven’t worked out an effective antidote either.

I haven’t had victories in these battles either. So the battles continue …

**

Ever since i came out of college and started my job, I have been a provider. I used to love that status/ responsibility. I was de-thrown overnight. The “you no longer contribute” feeling gets a while to get accustomed to. It doesn’t go away, I have just made peace with it. A truce of sorts…

I guess that is one of the reasons i play ‘fastest fingers first’ on Amazon sometimes.

A cloak with similar name “i am the provider” comes off.

**

When I had the stroke, I was a little okay as everyone around was saying it’s no big deal, I’ll become ok, etc. etc. After all, I was with a very capable neurosurgeon, an excellent hospital, well known rehab specialists, etc.

I honestly thought I would walk out of the hospital. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. Finally they said i would be discharged and sent home. I was given to understand it was a better environment for recovery.

But all the time i had a voice telling me “they have given up”, “nothing more can be done”, “you have to live for the rest of your life like this”, etc. etc.

I had given all I could for 5 months. It was a crushing “defeat”. It was a truly hopeless feeling. Almost every situation previously seemed to have a chance for a comeback. There seemed to be no 2nd chances with this.

The other thing that made it worse, was everyone all the time saying “A strong mind will heal faster”. Many variations of that. I had made no progress. I had a weak mind. A weak will. It was a horrible feeling facing this “Defeat”.

I don’t know when this feeling subsided. But it did sometime. I think after I could communicate via WhatsApp, this went down. Along with the trachiostomy tube coming off my throat at around the same time.
***

As long as I had lived, I had not considered myself “weak”. I knew i wasn’t the strongest cookie in the jar, but by no measure I had felt weak physically. And here I was, in rehab, struggling to pick up “buttons” or to move children’s “blocks” or just even hold something in my hand.

Off came the “I am strong” cloak!

***

All my life I had been very judicious in most things. More so in how i spent money. Everything had to have a pressing case and pass a very rigorous scrutiny. Enjoy now vs future security always played in my mind.

I got my most expensive pair of shoes in hospital – a pair of supporting slippers to prevent foot drop. And that was very inexpensive compared to everyday spent in hospital, the therapies, rehab, etc.

Same after coming home – the nurses, the therapists, the meds and materials,etc.

There was no sense in it, for what was being tried to be salvaged. I could see my family, come to streets at this rate. I felt miserable. I felt like screaming “just cut and run..”

This “financial insecurity” demon haunts me regularly. The business case has not yet been passed..

It’s a good thing I am not able to work on spreadsheets now!
** *

Most of the time, when I am lying in my room, I am able to hear things from outside. Some talk, some argument, some joke or laughter, etc. Nothing big happening out there, but I feel very deprived of participating. Not some big things, I am always included in all of them – birthdays, pujas, etc. Not the big things. Just day to day simple things in daily life. Its a wretched feeling to not be able to participate. To face the “I can’t join” demon.

Everyone does their best to include me. But there is a limit to what i can do or anyone can do.

I have a simple solution for this now. I have the tv playing all the time with high volume. Even when I am not watching. I can’t hear anything from outside now. It still hurts when I am outside. But better out than in. So the fight goes on…
***

Next one is “Despair“. Its a very anxious and uncontrollable feeling and emotion. It almost always results in me breaking down uncontrollably.

it hits you, when you realize you are no longer in the regular turf, medical turf – where a drug or treatment can cure your ailment. It hits you that you are in the territory of hope, belief, faith etc – Miracles territory basically. You tend to lose it. I haven’t won anytime here. I just have to avoid the thought and of invoking it. It is a sure shot loss every time it shows up. It does still appear every now and then.
***

I would just call this simply “Killjoy“.

I have been a sports person all thru. I have never enjoyed watching any sports but in playing them – however bad i would be. I just used to find joy in playing. It was lots of basketball earlier but getting so many other people was not possible always. so i did badminton, squash, cycling, running, etc. I was not very good at any of it. It didn’t matter. I just found joy in playing …

Now Playing was very far, I could not even dream of walking anymore..

I loved riding my bike. There were many practical things in its favour against other modes of commute/ travel, but I just simply loved riding. There have been many occasions when my wife and I have left home together and gone to the same place – she in the car and me on my bike.

Bike was very far, I couldn’t even dream of a cycle or anything that needed a sense of balance…

I loved cooking, baking ,mixing drinks. I wasn’t great at any of it. It didn’t matter. I just found a lot of joy in it, in trying and experimenting things, in offering to others.

Cooking was very far, I couldn’t even hold a spoon or taste or smell anything…

There are many more. It was just the joy of things. Things to energize you, to fuel you for rest of the day…

Its a very gloomy feeling to think you can never again do the things you love doing.. it comes every now and then to remind me of the loss…

This feeling has contributed most to realize the value of what I once had and took for granted…
***

I encountered this everyday all the time after coming home. The “Suicide” demon.

I’ll be very surprised if anyone in my condition can successfully avoid this . I had no reason to battle this.

I think for the 1st 18 odd months, this is all i somehow managed to convey to my wife. I used to wake her up everyday to variations of “kill me”, “i don’t want to live”, etc. I don’t know how she dealt with it…

In fact, there was no battle. I had whole-heartedly embraced this thought.

There was only one technical problem. “How?”.

As much as I could think of any method, I would not have been able to execute it. Give me the most potent poison and i can’t swallow.
It has to be pathetic to be convinced of the thought, willing to do it but unable to see it thru.

I can guarantee that my life continues still only because I couldn’t end it.

Over a while, this demon has just made its visits infrequent.

If i had a metaphoric plug in my hand today. I am not sure i would have the same conviction/ courage to pull the plug myself. But i still will be very grateful to someone else or a natural cause to pull it.

Nowadays, I feel like it mostly when i have very bad cough due to bad aspiration. Most of the time during my oral trials. It is unbearable, to not have voluntary cough, not much strength to cough up things till the mouth. No muscular control to prevent violent movements,etc.

If I have that plug then. I will definitely yank it.

Strangely enough, I think my life is defined by my dying. Its the line to cross . If I gain enough physical ability to take my own life, that will mean I don’t have to. I will also have enough strength and ability to live. I am right now only existing. Not living…

As a general note, my story is my story, but i would presume many survivors go through this. I don’t remember a single conversation by any qualified person in the hospital to help deal with such thoughts.

I think I got some antidepressant tabs and that was it. It didn’t help in any case. It is a very sad state to think, what if folks can actually see it through. Especially because most stroke survivors can’t even think straight in the first place…

***

I’m not sure what to call this one. Its “anger”, “irritation”, “impatience”, many things in one. It was not caused by anybody around, but they sure were the recipients of the fruits. My wife has been the biggest benefactor.

I’m not sure what it was, I would get very irritated with everything. It just felt not enough. Eg, my wife would visit me everyday in the morning at the hospital. I would get very upset and irritated if she was a little bit late. Even few minutes. Early morning, kids to be readied for school, get ready herself, hopeless traffic across silk board, etc. It didn’t matter. I just couldn’t think rationally.

That’s a small example. There are so many more. All trivial..

I think this phase is over. I don’t know.

I think over time, the cloak that has come on is that of “patience”.
***

I think my mindset and my work over many years had made me into a planner and controller . Everything had to be planned to perfection and everything was done to stick to plan.

Oh well…, The stroke rendered all planning useless anyway.

The small things too bothered me a lot if it was not done the way I wanted it to be. The nurses in the hospital have driven me up the wall. So have they at home later. And these were the days I could not communicate.

I guess its a demon to “control” everything. I must have driven folks crazy at work!

Anyway, over time, the cloak of “preference” comes off and i think I got an cloak of “acceptance” instead I guess ..
***

Earlier, I used to get very overwhelmed and cry a lot when I saw food. I have been deprived of eating for years. The ‘craving’ demon was too much to handle. I remember earlier everyone would make sure they don’t eat anything in front of me, lest I break down. I used to feel so bad to see my younger daughter having to hide her snacks and eat them.

My own behaviour and knowing I was the cause for so much discomfort was too hard to handle.

Over many months, many MasterChef seasons, innumerable YouTube videos and I think I have successfully tamed it. I have numbed my mind enough to not react to the sight of food.

However, in recent times, it’s brother has started bugging me. I can’t avoid the craving feeling when i get the smells. It has to be strong as my sense of smell is very diminished. Sometimes when I can smell the garnishing on curries, sometimes when the coffee is brewing, sometimes when popcorn is being made, etc.

I don’t know what I can do either. With sight I could find a solution. But smells …

***
This is probably just frustration. But “frustration on steroids”.

Whenever people visited me, I would cry. Simply because there was so much to say, but no way to say it. I was crying out of this frustration. Even when folks were discussing something. I had many things to contribute, but no way to.

The silence was deafening.

Over time, I think I have conquered this. I have become very good at smiling back if I am asked something which is not a closed ended question where the answer can be yes/no and I can nod accordingly.

It’s so funny when I ask someone, with a twist in my left hand to indicate “yen samachara” (what news?)

Mostly the answer is – “yenoo illa” (nothing). “Can’t go anywhere, can’t do anything, can’t meet anyone, etc.”

I smile back again ?…
***

This is just the “itch” demon. It feels like just another frustration. But deserves a special mention.

In the initial months, when there was little or no movement, there was no way to scratch. That seemed like just the perfect turf for the itch monster to play unchallenged. There was no ability then to even point and ask someone to scratch. On my face was the biggest culprit. Frustrating is a very mild emotion to describe it.

Just had to ignore and hope it went away soon.

I won’t be exaggerating when I say, this has taught me more about patience than anything else in my life.

The coverage area has improved quite a bit. But there are still many unreachable or inaccessible areas even today…

It gets very itchy because I am in the diaper 24×7. At the same time I can’t scratch because I am wearing the diaper 24×7. The diaper catch 22..

And we wonder why toddlers cry sometimes for no reason…

This is even more funny. I feel itchy many times on the back or waist or my bum. But I can’t scratch as i am lying on it all the time. Even when I am shifted on the wheelchair its not accessible. The only time it is exposed is when the nurses give me sponge bath or to change. My bed in the room is against the wall on the left. So they have to roll me to the left side so the backside is exposed. It takes about 10 minutes. But unfortunately I can’t do anything as I am rolled to the left and my left hand gets pinned down.

They have to roll me to the right, to arrange the sheet, the underpad, diaper. It takes 30 seconds. Thats my window of opportunity..

Most of the time, the itch will have long gone. But I scratch with a vengeance. Simply because I can and leave the nurses wondering why I do it everyday, even though they can’t see any rash or anything. They don’t know it is revenge ?

***

This is a very strange one. Mostly when I could not communicate. I don’t know what to call it.

Earlier, When i was ok, I was very hesitant to accept any help. Even for small things. When someone did something for me, as much as bring a glass of water, I would feel very thankful and would convey so. I think the feeling maybe came from some amount of arrogance than anything else – that I didn’t need help.

Here I was, getting my ass wiped everyday, and no means of saying thanks or conveying it.

It has been very humbling, to break down that feeling and “accept” service with humble “gratitude”.

***

This is something that eats me up often, almost everyday.

Right from my school days, if i could grasp something and others needed help, I would try my best to explain and try to convey things so they could understand it better.

I used to consider myself a teacher of sorts. And I would find a lot of satisfaction in doing so.

Few days back, my younger daughter was stuck with some concept in mathematics. There was no one else at home that time. She asked me a few things, which I could not reply. She had to take my vague nods, make her own assumptions and go on.

I could feel the knife deep in my heart.

This goes on almost everyday, with both my daughters.

I used to get so much satisfaction in teaching everyone but unable to do so with my own kids when they need help.

I don’t think I will be able to get over this ever …

***

When my wife or kids or my mother or someone close falls ill, I hate not being able to provide care. I know, someone will do it and it’ll be taken care and things will be ok. But its not the same thing. Its the helplessness of not being able to provide care myself.
This “helplessness” feeling is very difficult to explain or describe. Don’t know what to label it as…
***

This sounds like the one above, but its a very different one and feeling. Its maybe the culture, maybe upbringing, or something else I don’t know.

Over the years, a sense of “duty” has grown stronger. Duty as son, duty as husband, duty as father, duty as brother, duty towards close friends, duty towards larger family, etc. Right when I could understand it better, i was rendered unable to. I know, everyone will be fine, somebody will do the needful. But the hollow feeling of not doing my bit, is miserable.

My dad was a posthumous child. As far as i remember, and till he passed, he did the ceremonies for his father who he had never seen. I don’t remember him missing it ever. It was not a conscious thing, but I had assumed I would do the same when my turn came. And the very first year, here i am, lying in bed, unable to do anything…

***

That’s as much as I can describe. There are some which I struggle to make out myself. Maybe they are just a combination of the above. I don’t know.

It reminds me of a cute and animated movie called “Wish Dragon”. I know that if a wish dragon popped up, I won’t be struggling with rich and lofty wishes, but struggling with a choice of very basic ones…

I also mentioned about various cloaks that have come off . Unfortunately, I still wear my cloak of thinking. I may not be the smartest, but I also know I am not the dullest. This brings a sort of smugness, some cokey-ness if you will. A kind of arrogance.

I am waiting for the demon I don’t know yet, that will bring me to my knees and take it away…

9/9/21, 10:52 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Some days back, my high school friend contacted me on chat. I used to meet a bunch of them often. Social media reunion. It used to be fun. There used to be a overactive WhatsApp group.

They were a bunch of very networked and informed group. So they would have surely known about my stroke.

The language and tone of interaction made it certain that he knew. Yet the chat was dancing around the main thing.

After so long, amongst so many of them in that group, he had mustered up the courage to make contact, yet the poor guy was clearly struggling to ask the question how I was doing now.

I remember, there was a Cancer Survivor in that group. He had a relapse sometime close to my stroke. I had met him a few times in the group. But I never had the courage to meet him alone. Never had the courage to ask him directly how he was and about his illness.

But seriously, how do we do it, interact when uncomfortable? There is no training for it. All the time when we are growing up, mostly, these are shielded from us. The adults don’t give direct answers to kids and it is usually brushed aside. Suddenly everyone grows up to face these situations and will struggle with it. I’m sure Google might have some suggestions but honestly, who will think of going there?

After my stroke, and having seen people struggle through this, I feel it should be direct. Any avoiding the topic will make it worse. For both parties. But that’s just me.

But how do we inculcate it in the next generation? Talking about these things more openly? Letting them meet affected folks and face these situations more when growing up? I really am not sure…

Clearly there isn’t much they are learning by observing most of us?

Reminds me of a very funny thing.

When i was in the hospital back in 2019. there were many duty doctors or newbies or interns maybe who would visit the ward. It was a constant stream of ‘white coats’. Most of them (except my main and regular ones) would have no clue of my case, my condition, my background etc. They would ask me something. I could not reply. I would just stare back or enormously struggle with just moving fingers and wrist and a bobbing head to respond and convey something. Obviously it would have made no sense. So they would come close to me, closer to my ear, speak louder but slower so I could understand.

I remember feeling very frustrated and very demeaning feeling each time.

So, in late 2020 i was ready. Nobody was with me to put a leash on me either.

So when the revolving door started again, and some poor soul under the white coat came in. I would behave in some absurd way. In absolutely no correlation to what they were asking. They would get so perplexed . Oh those faces. I am sure they were wondering why I was there and not in some psychiatric ward.?

The nurse I had was very uncomfortable speaking in English or speaking to anyone looking authoritative was out of the question. I was banking on her not saying something and ruining my entertainment..?

9/9/21, 9:00 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: True, death and serious sickness is a hush hush matter generally. Some cultures are more open however. I think it also depends upon the affected..two of my classmates passed away last year…both were pretty open about their status, one was deep into Vedic studies and exhorted us all right till the end to get into same ..

9/9/21, 9:37 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: ??

9/24/21, 11:11 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: After I had my stroke, I was in the hospital for something like 5 months. That limited visitors a lot. Even then, with whatever limited head movement I had, I made it abundantly clear (well atleast so I thought), that I didn’t want to see anyone.

I couldn’t avoid a few very close friends and family, as they were doing much for me and for the family to help us

I don’t remember for how many months this lasted. I think it was some sort of shame. I think I was very ashamed of myself. For what had happened and everything that was going on around me. I don’t know why it felt that way, but it did. It was like I wanted to run away…

After sometime (again I don’t know when it started and how long it lasted. Same for subsequent ones), I still refused to see anyone. I think it was some sort of embarrassment. I knew how I had been earlier. I remember seeing myself in the mirror in rehab. It wasn’t pretty. I was very embarrassed to present myself to anyone that way, not if I could help it.

It was more so with children. There was a heightened feeling. It was very very difficult to show myself to my own kids in that state.

I slowly loosened up to be ok to see a few folks. I have no idea what the criteria was to selectively be ok. But I was. This is where I let my gut guide me – so to speak. Cause no logic can explain the criteria.

After a while, I was ok to see most folks. There were still a few I was hesitant. I guess it was just a matter of how well they knew me. There was still some amount of apprehension. I guess what folks thought about me and my state bothered me a bit.

I recently had some visitors, to whom I would have never agreed to see. But I felt it was ok to have them visit. I think it was not what I thought anymore, just knowing that they were keen to see me was enough I think….

I don’t know why or how this loosening happened. But I am kinda relieved it did….

9/25/21, 10:47 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Many folks have remarked to me that I have become very pessimistic and don’t acknowledge the small progress I am making.

I understand how it looks from the outside. Eg, when I started slightly moving my limb, I was not willing to accept that it was voluntary and not an involuntary movement. It was not possible to fake it. There are even videos to show and prove to me what I was not admitting.

Few days back, my wife observed me sitting and remarked that I was sitting with my back more straight than earlier.

Today, I simply struggled to sit, let alone straight. It was not that I was feeling weak or tired in my back, I had no clue how anymore to have control over my back to even try.

The other day, my balance was so off, that everytime they propped me up to sit, I was feeling a strong pull, for no reason, and simply falling to my right side.

So, when someone says, I am able to sit for sometime, without support, how am I supposed to affirm the same… Even if I know I can do it sometimes and see a video to support it..

It’s not a new thing.

When I was able to move my left palm reasonably ok, it was a very frequent thing to have days when I would be unable to move it.

I have started movement of my right triceps in march 2020. That’s 1 1/2 years ago. I still feel it going weak and not moving some days.

Those are examples of visible things.

My incontinence issue is fairly up and down as well.

My urination was almost predictable every 2 hrs. From past 2 days, I am just unable to go beyond a little over an hour before having to go.
I constantly flip-flop between some bowel movements and severe constipation needing enema. No changes to diet btw.

Those are with some movements of the muscles involved.

My hormones are going wild all the time. Sometimes I am ok. Sometimes very emotional and needing a very small trigger for the dam behind the eyes to break, etc.

It is very difficult for me to acknowledge progress till I am able to see predictable consistent performance.

I have also observed that every ability is in cyclic progress with my rehab. Some steps forward and some backward. Each cycle, I end up forward or backward from the original place, not knowing by how much and which direction, staying there for a little while, before restarting the cycle.

I have no idea what the brain is doing going around in circles. Also, each part of the body is in a different cyclic timeline. Like they seem to be influenced by a different star/ planet/ celestial body.

Progress, if any, is so small, its practically unnoticeable. At least to me since I experience myself everyday.

Am I doing better than last year? Absolutely yes.

Am I doing better than 6 months ago? In some things, yes. Others, no.

Am I doing better than I was a month back? I have absolutely no idea and won’t agree if someone tells me otherwise…

9/25/21, 4:04 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: ???? such issues are faced by most affected with brain damage, though degrees may vary. Some days will be good, others not so much. It is a continuous process of training the mind not a one time connection made that then endures…but I think making that connection again and again should become easier with time.

9/25/21, 4:10 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: We see the mountain ahead and forget that those behind were as difficult to climb. – just read on IG..
9/25/21, 4:42 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Thank you Hardeep ji. ??

9/27/21, 3:00 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Yesterday was “daughter’s day”. First time I have come across it. Anyway, it was an occasion and my wife took our daughters out for dinner.

I was told where they went and also saw a few snaps with them around the table.. it was nice…

But where did they go? What is the place? How does it look? I have no idea.

2 days back, our friends had come home. There were many a conversation referring to a building, a landmark, etc. I have no idea where any of these are.

It’s not an isolated incident. It’s very regular for everyone to have conversations referring to a road, metro lines, flyovers, restaurants, pubs, other buildings, etc.

Most of my trips out earlier have been lying down in an ambulance. Nothing seen. Few later have been in the car – when I realised I can’t turn my neck enough and the little I could, the eyes couldn’t latch on to moving images fast enough to make sense and understand.

So, everything i remember, is from Feb 2019.

Everyone will be having an image that they are referring to. I just don’t know what to imagine in that space. It’s like everyone is from a world and I am from a different world, about 2.7 light years away. The images haven’t reached yet to my world. The 2 worlds are moving away at the speed of light constantly…

While I am enamoured with what I hear, I am very apprehensive as well..

Much like a prisoner locked up for many years. While freedom is sought, it’s still very scary to be let out to a world that has changed a lot…

I think the feeling has been captured and depicted very well by “Morgan Freeman” in the movie “Shawshank redemption”….

10/2/21, 10:01 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I have had some very positive experiences recently whilst dealing with the customer care of a very big establishment. All on emails and chat…

It is a big establishment and they should be well trained with a good process undoubtedly. However, I have had the same positive experience in the last year with many places, big and small.

Even when I had ordered a piece of furniture at the turn of the year, and I was not very happy with the product and very unhappy with the delivery/installation, I got very patient customer service. Again, all over email and chat.

When I could speak earlier, I have not had this same experience. I can only deduce, that my impatience/ irritation / anger at times, was very evident in my voice and folks were only reciprocating my behavior..

Why was I not showing the patience that I was expecting back? Why did it not register that the other end of the line had a person first and the organization next.

Why expect good behaviour when I was not doing the same…

It is some sort of unwritten/ unstated social contract or obligation I presume.

Much like online shopping which is widespread nowadays. The first thing I look for in products before purchasing – is the ratings and reviews (that seem genuine at least). It is an unstated obligation too that I write reviews after. That I contribute to the pool if I feel free to dip into it.

Its like the wikipedia, it’s only good to use as long as folks contribute to it first.

I think the same holds good for relationships. With family, with friends, smaller groups of community or broader society in general…

We have to give first to a relationship to hope for anything back. If we want understanding, help and support from anybody, we have to first volunteer for providing it.

When it is a financial transaction, the equation is easy. We have to deposit first to make a withdrawal. Investment first for financial returns later.

But what about non financial stuff. Where we give feelings, emotions, etc. The returns are also in abstract forms..

Most times it is not even the same terms. If we put energy (I guess it’s a complex mix of time, effort and emotion for example), we may get back something else – like trust, loyalty, friendship, affection or some other similar stuff in return.

Key being, to give first and maybe we may get a return later.

Like most things, returns are not guaranteed. Just have to invest with no expectations of returns…

How to move on to true charity – being truly anonymous in giving, with no expectations of returns, no recognition whatsoever. Absolutely no strings attached.

Much like a very old person planting mango trees. Won’t see the fruit or the shade in their lives…

But I guess one thing we get back is happiness/ satisfaction.

Don’t know if it is ok to expect that in return too….

10/5/21, 11:32 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: If you have seen the movie “inception” you will be familiar with the concept of a dream within a dream.

Well, I am about to have a nightmare within a nightmare.

After my stroke, I have been struggling to open my jaw. For sometime, I thought it was affected like everything else and muscular control was gone and therefore not moving.

After a little more than a year, I realised that it was not just weaknesses but a sort of condition where the jaw is kind of locked and can’t even be forced open from the outside by others. I realised this when they struggled at the hospital to insert a “bite block” during my tests (a “bite block” is inserted into the mouth to prevent accidentally biting the tongue during procedures). During my surgeries needing an endoscope to be inserted it was a big challenge too. Because it was extremely painful, they couldn’t do it while I was conscious and have done so only after knocking me out. In one of the procedures, they successfully knocked out one of my front teeth as well and the others are left shaking. I can barely open my mouth a little over 1.5cm and I can hardly hold it open for 10 sec.

I have major aspiration and I simply just cannot put any amount of water in my mouth without it seeping into the wind pipe causing violent cough.

You must be wondering, what’s new about this. I have been living with all these for so long.

And you would be right, cause there is nothing new about it.

When I had the stroke, like many things, I have had no sensation in my mouth. No feeling around teeth/ gums.

Very slowly, some of the sensation is coming back. Which is good news generally speaking.

Many years back, my last molar had developed a cavity. It was not visible as it was behind the tooth. When it was caught, it was quite bad and had to do a root canal.

Its been 2y 8m since I have brushed my teeth. They clean a bit of the teeth (front teeth mainly, as they can’t open my mouth and reach in anywhere else).

For a very long time, there was nothing orally taken. In the last couple of weeks, I am forcing a few spoons everyday. No brushing after.

Some sensation is returning… Meaning, I can feel the pain return sometimes.

I can’t visit a dentist.

Even if I went, I can’t sit in the chair.

Even if i sat there, my mouth can’t be pry-ed open to take a look.

Even if it could be opened, can’t use the instruments – they spray water continuously, which has to be held and spat out regularly.

and there lies the nightmare… Within my life, which has been a nightmare after my stroke already…

10/14/21, 4:58 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: This has no medical basis.

I feel/ think, based on the progress of my rehab, that my stroke did 2 kinds of damages to me. Physically speaking, the consequences have been several…

The stroke happened in my brain stem.

The brain stem is the main connector between the brain and the rest of the body (through the spine mainly). Like a conduit.

The brain stem is also considered the most ancient part of the brain, so nothing “human” is managed by it. But it controls very vital automatic functions – like heart beat, blood pressure, breathing, body temperature, swallowing, sleep cycles, coughing, amongst many other things we do automatically and naturally.

So actually, the stroke left me with all human abilities, and many of the animal abilities stripped off. ?

It’s anti-evolutionary if you think of it like that…

Some things – like heart beat, blood pressure, etc have been ok – although struggled in the ICU initially

Many other things -like breath control, swallowing, coughing, body temperature etc, – the brain stem having the controlling microchip, is burnt to various extents and not functioning – either fully or to various degrees of disabilities.

The brain stem, being small but managing so much and being the conduit, has a very high density of neurons compared to rest of the brain.

Given the pace of recovery and strengthening of various functions – I imagine the neuroplastic magic is harder and takes longer.

So, my broad assessment, given the assumptions above – and observations, are like this:

Cognition, thinking, logic, etc. : Basically all evolved functions. They are all done by the frontal lobes. Doesn’t have to leave the head for materialising, so is all ok .

Motor functions: most of the motor functions and voluntary movements of the muscles – are also controlled by the outer parts of the brain. So it should work, but it isn’t. So I can only assume that the conduit is fried. Very slowly recovering.so, I can assume most movements will come back – albeit, much weaker, slower and will take a very long time.

The “intention” is there. The “knowledge” on how to do it is also there. But the messages don’t go through. So “action” doesn’t happen. ( “Iccha”, “jnana” and “kriya” – all three are needed)

Breath control: this is managed by the stem. But I am still breathing. Very shallow and no voluntary control. Over time, I think it will get stronger as the muscles around the lungs wake up. But control – don’t know.

Speech: the function of speech is also controlled by the outer areas in the cortex. Like all things, “where” is known but “how” is anybody’s guess. So, my theory is this:
The “knowledge” (what and how) of speech is there.
The lips, cheeks, tongue have to move correctly to make the right speech. These don’t work effectively. But they are muscles. Same issue as above. It should come back, slowly.
Finally – the actual sound/ voice, for it to come, the vocal folds need to work. These are soft muscle tissues also. So, as above – I am hopeful.
(“Para”, “Pashyanti” and “Vaikhari” if my memory is right)

Swallowing/ gag function: this is the concerning bit. While it is all throat muscles, the complex operation is orchestrated by the brain stem. So, I don’t know about it and whether it will repair.

Cough: while the lung muscles are involved, A good portion of the actual work is done by the diaphragm. This was the first thing my neuro said will be impacted by where my stroke happened. Although I am far from cough/ voluntary control, it must have gotten better as i suffered from unbearable hiccups earlier – which has gotten better over time.

Body temperature: Again controlled by the brain stem. I still can’t make out temperatures. Folks around will be regularly complaining of heat or cold and I will be unable to make out.
My body also behaves weirdly – suddenly the extremities get very cold. Sometimes, the forehead will be hot, but the measurement in the armpit will be normal, etc.
I have mentioned many times seeing my body temperature indicates nothing. Still it is taken 3 times a day religiously ?.
Anyway, I don’t know about this one as well – where it will end up.

Hearing: I am deaf in my right ear. The ear or hearing apparatus is fine. The transducer is fine. Interpretation of the signals happens in the auditory cortex. Close, but not the brain stem. Unfortunately though, the main pathway of the auditory nerve is through the brain stem. Same wiring problem. I was stone deaf in the first 2 years. Now, I can hear some gibberish sounds once in a while – nothing intelligible. But, moving in the right direction I guess.

Taste/ Smell: same problem as above. Very diminished currently. But moving in the right direction.

Memory/ emotions: the seat is not the stem, but sits just above attached to the stem. So, some areas might have got affected. I don’t know. All I know is that some memories got affected and my emotions are still all over the place. Don’t know if it’ll get better…

Various organs: i don’t know what all organs the brain stem controls. Eg, it is responsible for digestion. I don’t know if it means just stomach or all organs and process involved. But as long as stuff is going in and coming out, it must be managing – in whatever capacity.

Sight: the eyes are the spoilt brats. They have a direct line to the brain and don’t have to detour to the stem. So, thanks to the small mercy, I am able to still see from my right eye. Otherwise I would be completely blind as my left eye was anyway rotting – even before the stroke.

Which brings the question. Everyone knows that the brain has 2 hemispheres and they control opposite sides of the body. I have not seen any of my reports, but I think it must be the right side only as the nerve clusters interchange only after the brain stem.

The stroke must have done significant damage. Everything on the right side was/ is affected. Not just the limbs, pretty much everything. Eg, my tongue – its easier to move to the left and only recently I have been able to move right. I still can’t lift right lip. Cant hear on right, etc. I won’t be surprised if it’s the same story with nostrils and taste buds.

It’s absolutely strange to have a part of the body immobile. I can see the hand. I can feel it externally – if someone or something touched it. But I can’t feel it internally. It’s a very weird feeling that I can’t put in words…

The neuro physiotherapy – for me, is more for the brain rehab than any affected part. Have to somehow convince the brain to recognise the affected part than building strength in the function.

My physiotherapist makes me do some movements. For eg, he has been holding my arm down and asking me to lift my shoulder. I manage very mildly for 2-3 times. But he will continue for 20 counts, by lifting the arm itself trying to cheat the brain to think it is doing it itself. But since I know this, I am guessing the trick won’t work. So I close my eyes, so I can’t see him doing it, so I truly can’t say how many I do and how many he does for me. It’s a trick to trick the trick – so that the brain can’t know the trick.

So, in general, I can continue the rewiring of the conduit. But where the chip is blown, I can only hope there is a replacement. I feel like I am equally affected by the pandemic induced global supply chain crisis – resulting in shortage of processing chips. ?

Anyway, that’s my assessment – having to think of something to keep my mind engaged.

Could be all fiction… But makes for a good story nonetheless…?

PS: sorry for the lengthy note. Started out with a small thought. Mind couldn’t help itself after…?

10/14/21, 6:36 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Wonderfully analysed. What you and I can say with absolute confidence is that your ‘ human’ brain with all its analytical and logical abilities is perfect ????

So yes the stem is the issue. But some of the functions it controls are returning. So rewiring / regeneration ? Who knows. But you seem to be on the right track !

Talking of breathing can you not stop inhaling/ exhaling ? Maybe mentally working towards and noticing changes will help ?
Can you imagine vividly ? Do pictures, music, books help ?

Whatever it is, you know surely that each day you are improving.So keep at it !

10/14/21, 7:08 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I hope the electricians have started work ?

And nope. Absolutely cannot hold my breath for even a fraction of a second.

I am able to imagine fine.

I can’t read books. One issue is that I can’t hold it. Second issue is very poor eyesight. So no books…

Music – well, have never been much of a music guy. Just listen to some slokas before I sleep.

Just numb myself with TV for now ?

10/14/21, 9:24 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Imagine doing breathing exercises ? And maybe some audiobooks like The Secret may help …
10/14/21, 9:40 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Ok??
10/26/21, 10:45 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: For the past week almost, my TV has conked. It is likely to take a few more days to get it set right. I am currently feeling like a fish out of water.

I have resorted to listen to songs. I am actually liking it. Many of the old albums, english, hindi, instrumental, etc. These were my favourite albums/ songs and I have listened to them countless times in the past.

Although it has been many years, I just need to hear the first 1 or 2 seconds of the starting tune/ beats and I am able to know the song. In many albums – playing in order, I am able to remember which song will play next. It’s crazy after all this time!

It has got me thinking, what if I play a song, keep the phone close to the right ear, close my left ear fully and play the song along in my head?

My right ear, which is completely not working, still the sounds hit the ear, still gets converted to neural signals, but they don’t reach the brain. Except i don’t need the signals. The brain already knows and is singing alongside.

This cannot work for any other talk or when the brain hijacked by the visual inputs I guess.

Hopefully it will make it easier for the workers working on the rewiring for the right ear easier…

10/26/21, 11:28 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: ???. In the last Zoom session we had Dr. Bruce referred to role of music towards recovery. I think shift between the known and the unknown… familiar and the unfamiliar pieces of music may also be worth trying. Also if you can, hum along…

10/26/21, 12:36 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Will try??

10/27/21, 12:55 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: When I moved from the ICU to the HDU ward, everyone who visited me used to tell me the same thing – some variation of “everything will become ok, it’ll just take some time”.

I had pretty much taken it for granted that everything will become ok and I will walk out of the hospital. The one and only thing eating me up was “how long?”.

No matter what, nobody would say that to me and I had no way to ask…

I still assumed something in “months” scale.

The first time I heard anything about a timeline was after I had come back home and one of my speech therapist saying that it would take another 6-8 months to remove the trachiostomy tube (it was not said to me – i just happened to overhear it).

I was heartbroken. This was already 6 months after the stroke. It was unthinkable to be like that for another 6 months.

Turns out – she was being very optimistic with her prediction. It was 21 months before it came off.

After I have extensively consulted with Dr. Google, I have also realised that my 1st assumption is also far from correct.

For a long time I have been very bitter for nobody telling me the reality. For not setting the correct expectations of quantum of recovery or of the timeline.

But then, I also think, what would someone say. We are in miracle territory anyway.

Is setting the practical expectation going to weaken the resolve or setting unrealistic expectations make the mind stronger and aggressive.

I wonder what’s the right thing to do…

10/28/21, 11:15 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Before the stroke, i have always been very prone to colds, running nose, nasal blocks, etc.

Irrespective of what you would have found in my bag, you would have found a box of Kleenex wipes. If I went somewhere without my bag, you could count on finding a small packet of soft wipes in one of my pockets. There was a box on my desk, in my living room, next to my bed, etc. you get the picture.

For 2 years and 8 months, I have known no cold, no running nose, no blocked nose, etc.

It’s like the nasal cavity, like rest of the body, has forgotten how it was for decades.

Every evening, I do some breathing exercises – respirometer, blowing different whistles and blowing the candle out.

Blowing the candle is the hardest. Some valve in the upper oral cavity/ nasal cavity needs to close automatically to close the nasal cavity and direct the air through the mouth.

This doesn’t yet work effectively for me. So, any air I try to blow comes through the nose and the mouth/ lips just make the action. It’s soo funny – everyone around will be cheering me to blow harder – when that is not the issue.

Anyway, yesterday, I was blowing the candle relatively easily. I was thrilled that the valve has finally started functioning….

Only to realise later, my left nostril was completely blocked. That made it relatively easier …

It was mixed emotions.

Disappointed that the valve was not yet working. Happy that the nose had found it’s way back. Alarmed that I have to deal with blocked nose/ colds in my state of limited mobility. Horror that sometime both nostrils could get blocked – i just can’t keep my jaw open to breathe from the mouth…

I don’t know what is in store. Just have to trust the body/mind to do something and survive. It has somehow pulled through till now.

I shall resort to my favourite chant when I am struggling a lot…

“If it doesn’t kill you, then it will make you stronger” …

10/29/21, 4:59 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Yesterday I received my new Australian passport. The earlier one had expired. There was no hurry to get it done really – I won’t be going anywhere soon ?

However, every other form of ID like drivers licence, Medicare, etc had expired as well in the last 3 years and a good friend advised to have a valid form of ID, decided to get it done.

Normally, its quite impossible to get a passport without a physical appearance in the consulate.

Many emails later., Explaining my situation many times and crossing many hurdles, they realised I cannot speak as well to have a call. I was then shifted to WhatsApp chat with their consular officer in Chennai. Lots of back and forth later, and a video call with him, they agreed to use a loophole in the system that they had opened up for folks who were stranded and couldn’t go to the consulate due to covid travel restrictions.

However, this route could only be taken for Australian residents and the online application would not take inputs for address and phone number (there were checks to comply with Australian formats).

Back to back and forth communication and finally they used their back end access to fill the form. Had to get my dear wife to give a declaration on residence and address for it.

I didn’t have any recent photo that meets their passport specifications. Had to take something with a phone camera while on the wheelchair with a white cloth as background and crop it. Had to give another declaration why it was not as per specifications and also had to upload the photo I had used in 2011 for the earlier passport.

Next, I had to download the completed form in their generated pdf and sign it. Had to give another declaration for why I am unable to sign.

There were a whole bunch of supporting documents also to be uploaded.

Finally I thought it was done, when I came to the payment. Could only pay using VISA or MasterCard credit card. Neither I or my wife currently owns a credit card. Back to comms and requested a good friend for help and gave the details. One more declaration on this. It was a 2 step process.

Finally it was done. 2 weeks later, the passport came home yesterday.

Most of the heavy lifting was done by my dear wife and timely help by my close friend.

But I have a great sense of accomplishment. I got a passport without leaving my bed.

As I think about it, I feel like an octopus. With many tentacles – not just 8. Sure, they are not my own, but a lot more can be accomplished by just the head and everyone else being my tentacles. My wife is the strongest one. Followed by my close friends who have done much since my stroke. Followed by many friends and relatives who are ready to help anytime I ask.

I guess it is not how we are strong ourselves but how many such tentacles we can rely on in the end.

I hope you are growing many tentacles too…

PS: As an aside, I will give some unsolicited advice (knowing very well what happens to unsolicited advice)

None of this would have been possible if I had not gotten several documents that were needed urgently. If it had to be searched and scanned etc. nothing would have been possible.

Sometime back in 2014 I think, I just decided to have any and all important documents digitised. I can’t remember what prompted it. If anything seemed important it got digitised. Certificates, imp receipts, acknowledgments, medical reports, etc. You get the drift.

Next all of it went to the cloud – so it could be accessed anywhere, anytime and any device.

I strongly advise you do something similar. No guarantee of finding physical stuff when you want it. Or that it can be safe even.

Make sure it is secured and has atleast a 2 factor authentication.

It will probably take 2 weekends one off effort to save a lot of trouble later. Don’t need a scanner too nowadays – just a smartphone will do.

Its a very minimal incremental effort after.

And of course, Its named properly and stored in proper folder structure, so it can be easily searched and retrieved.

No point having unidentifiable files heaped in one place. It has to be easy for you to get to what you want when you want.

I am not very sure, but I hope it came to good use for my wife for the first 2 years after my stroke.

Now I can find and send stuff if needed. And I continue to upload stuff (whatever I am across anyway). So yes, the new passport is also there already ?…

10/29/21, 10:18 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: ?????? well done, where there is a will there is a way !
10/29/21, 10:43 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: ??

10/30/21, 10:58 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I recently heard about an acquaintance of mine, having a very bad accident, had an acute head trauma, was in coma for weeks and barely conscious now. The medical fraternity – probably doesn’t know what will happen anyway.

Now, this is only in the case of acute head injuries. Anything else – people are conscious and can influence their life I guess. Also, the medical field is a bit more certain.

I feel, the person in question will go through their struggles and challenges anyway, but most likely they will be in a fantasy land leading fantastic lives.

The real trauma and impact of the incident is borne by the loved ones. As far as the doctors go, they will do the best they can and invariably will have to resort to saying “we have to hope for the best”.

Where does that leave the loved ones? How to deal with the traumatic incident, how to deal with keeping the person going on – most likely in tubes of some sort, how to deal with the life and lifestyle changes it leads to, how to deal with all the financial impacts, etc.

Basically shackled for good.

In this case, there is a young child – who probably doesn’t know what is happening anyway and the spouse has to deal with everything for years, a lifetime probably.

I know this sounds heartless, but in all fairness, if it was the end of story for the person with the acute injury causing incident, it is tragic undoubtedly, but at least everyone will grieve for sometime and move on. A chapter is cleanly closed and the next one begins for everyone.

Some countries allow for mercy or compassionate killing. Most of them don’t. It’s mainly from the perspective of the individual in question.

What about compassion and mercy for the near/ dear ones. In most cases, if the individual knew what impacts their loved ones have to endure – on account of them, they would most likely not want to be party to the crime.

But of course, we will not know. So, as a society, we can continue to hide under that claimed ignorance…

11/1/21, 10:49 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: The first thing I could move after a few weeks was my ring finger of my left hand. Rest of the fingers one by one. Then the wrist. Then the elbow. A lot later, the shoulder. It is still partial and very weak…

On my left leg, I could wriggle my toes (except the 2nd – still doesn’t move much). Then the ankle. Much later and very slowly, the knee – which is very weak still. I have just started a bit movement of my left hip.

Basically bottom-up, both limbs.

I naturally expected some day, I will start wriggling my fingers or toes on the right side.

However the brain is doing a top-down to play with me.

I have very slight movement on the hip and very little movement on the thigh .
Can move the triceps a little and very little movement on the shoulder.

Very weird feeling to move a hand or leg when the extremity (palm) doesn’t move. Or to try to move a leg when can’t feel anything beyond the knee.

Wondering what trick is in store for the torso? (waist, back, abdomen, waist, chest, etc)… Most importantly, when???

11/2/21, 8:57 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: 1,000 days
===========

What would I do if I had these 1,000 days …

Would I continue to work like I used to – so I can achieve professional goals
Or
Would I spent more time with family and friends and be more available to them.

Would I travel and see more places –
Or
Stay in one place and be more available/ reliable…

Would I do more Yoga, Gym, running, etc – to lose some weight/ inches.
Or
Would I focus on improving my outlook.

Would I meditate more – in search of peace of mind.
Or
Would I try to strive for a more comforted conscience.

Would I pray more.
Or
Would I act more.

Would I talk a lot
Or
Would I be considered with my speech

Would I eat and drink in excess.
Or
Would I be mindful and have a good diet.

I don’t know the answers….

for I was;

Mostly at home for 1,000 days.
Rooted like a tree.

Didn’t have to work for 1,000 days.
Didn’t have to contribute to anything.

Didn’t do anything for anyone for 1,000 days
Instead, everyone did everything for me.

Didn’t eat anything for 1,000 days.
Yet, rocked up a king’s food bill.

But;

I have enjoyed the love of family and friends.
Like I have never appreciated before

I have done very less and accomplished nothing.
But I have learnt to appreciate the body and mind like never before.

I have spoken nothing.
But I have spoken more freely, than ever before.

My eyesight has gone really bad and I can hardly see.
But what I see, I am able to see more clearly, than ever before.

I have not said thanks to so many.
But I have understood thankfulness and gratitude, like never before.

Right now, my living for me is like hot ghee – too hot to swallow and too valuable to spit out…

1,000 days is a long time. But it’s also only 1 slice of 28 (assuming we have been served a full cake).

The previous slice was very very bitter and a hard one to swallow. I hope the next slice is a bit more palatable and easier to swallow (pun intended ?)….

11/3/21, 11:32 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Some time back I wrote about my passport country. My nationality.
As I think about it, I am physically rooted in these coordinates, but rarely in one place.

It’s usually ABC from Australia, CNA from Singapore, NDTV/ India Today from India, Al Jazeera from Doha, TRT from Istanbul, DW from Germany, France24 from France, EuroNews/RT from UK, ABC USA and WION from all over the world.

I am dwelling in YouTube mostly frequently visiting Netflix. Prime sometimes or Disney. I have permits for a few more Island nations but rarely visit them.

Most of my remaining time is online – one thing or another.

Physical national boundaries exit but have fully blurred.

I am actually a citizen of Google. Resident of WhatsApp, regularly visit Amazon and occasionally I take trips to Microsoft land. I have heard Instagram and Tic Toc are very entertaining places. Most visitors settle there. But somehow, I have never been there. I have a visa for FB and LinkedIn, but I am bored by those places and don’t visit anymore. I have heard about this place where everyone screams very loudly – but I prefer quiet places and have not been to Twitter land also. I have a visa to a few more Island nations, it was nice visiting 1-2 times, but got boring after a while. There is another nation popular amongst HNIs mainly. I would have visited out of curiosity. But I am very wary of the diet. Apparently one can only eat Apples. It’s very restrictive for my liking…

It is quite a strange world. We can follow religions depending on the season. We can be of CSK faith or MI, Liverpool or Manchester United so on. There are many Gods and Goddesses too – Sachin, Dhoni, Messi etc There are many mythological ones too. One can have many faiths and worship any number of Gods. Some folks are very staunch followers of some religion and can fight tooth and nail to protect their beliefs.

Somehow I got disillusioned with all the religious and turned atheist very early on…

To navigate some nations, you have to have a VISA. You can have MasterCard too you will be ok. There are many more smaller and restricted permits in some places…
There are many new kind of permits called Cryptos. They promise true fungibility across nations. It’s very limited in use currently but may be the promised future, I don’t know.

Many very fundamentalist folks can’t think of this kind of permit and have issued a “fatwa” against these…

So on and so forth….

But seriously, folks whose birth year starts with a “2” live in this physical borderless world. How will any country bring a emotional connect with a restricted physical border

If Zuck has his way, all caterpillars will Meta-morphosise into this world and likely stay there forever too…

11/5/21, 11:04 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Yesterday, during my sponge bath, I was rolled to the side and my ear lobe got pinned down on the pillow. I freed it of course – but it brought back some memories.

One of the very early on irritants for me was side sleeping. Every 2 hours or so, I used to be “given position” as they refer to it. Basically, I had to be turned to lie on my sides so as to relieve the pressure constantly on the back and help some circulation.

It was another matter that I could not lie for long on the side owing to my aspirations and cough and the trachiostomy. Folks could see that struggle and shift me back to lie straight on my back. I used to lie on my side very little owing to that. I am in fact very surprised that I didn’t suffer from bed sores all along.

The real irritants were not visible.

When I was put to the side position, almost always, the ear lobe the side I was turned would be folded and pinned down on the pillow. It used to be very painful and uncomfortable. There was no way to indicate it and well nobody could make it ok since no one could have seen it. That would be the case for the duration I was on my side.

The second one was probably not much of an issue generally with others, but used to be very painful for me.

Almost always, it used to be time for my feed after putting me on the side. Now, we can not be given feed in a reclining position as the feed might flow back to the mouth (regurgitation basically). So they would raise the bed so that it was something like 50 degrees at least. I did consider myself quite flexible before the stroke, but this bending on to the side, was an unbearable pain after the stroke. Best part, once they gave the feed, I couldn’t be moved for something like 30 minutes before they could turn me back. This is probably the only time, before they fed me, I hoped that I would get a very violent cough and they could see the struggle and turn me back straight.

I don’t recall exactly, but it was probably 3-4 months when I regained enough movement in the left hand so I could indicate when to give position so I could avoid the feed timings. I think I got enough mobility of the head/ neck to be able to wriggle the ear free around the same time.

The physical pain was very predictable and a matter of getting used to.

The harder part was the agony to the mind and the feeling of being helpless to even indicate the discomfort and having to endure it regularly…

11/6/21, 7:23 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: ?????? you express yourself very well Sreekanth …thought of writing a book ?
11/6/21, 8:02 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Thank you very much Hardeep ji.??
No, I have not intended to.
11/6/21, 8:48 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: May be a good idea to work towards it…I think Kindle offers free e- publication. Stroke Support India may also pitch in somewhere…
11/6/21, 10:37 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Will think about it ???

11/7/21, 2:48 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: On several occasions in the past, many folks have said to me that I have to look at my rehab as similar to a baby learning to do things. ‘baby learning to walk’ was the cited favourite.

I bought it for a while…

As I mulled over it, it seemed more and more a ridiculous comparison…

I had lived for long, knew very well this was how the limbs/ body was supposed to work. It just stopped working one day. I never paid attention and I don’t know how it worked.

Everything was done unconsciously/ subconsciously. Now, a  child has to do things consciously without knowing how to..

It is widely accepted that kids get a sense/ realisation of “self” sometime between 2 – 3 years. Till then they don’t even know their body is theirs.

But they learn to do things much earlier. Most walk by a year.

If we think about it, it is science fiction stuff. That they see limbs and use them without knowing it belongs to them.

Must feel like the operator of a very complex crane with many moving parts (booms) except – the control room has no controls.

They have to learn to operate the crane using only intentions (not even thoughts)

And they have to perfect the precise operation , not because they know how it should work, but the reference is only by observing other cranes.

If that is hard to fathom, here is the kicker.

The first 2 years, whilst it is complicated beyond imagination, it very simply is developing Sensorymotor abilities.

So, the operator has no clue what is going on mostly and the crane itself is being upgraded everyday. Yesterday’s program gets outdated today.

It is not just difficult but a miracle if the contraption even works, never mind it mostly manages to work with precision.

My point is Apples vs Oranges.

I will argue what I am having to do is way simple. It’s nowhere close to “child’s play” as we know it…

11/8/21, 12:59 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Whenever anyone visits me, I am asked and encouraged to speak. My family has asked a million times.

My vocal chords don’t move. I don’t get voice most of the time.

But that is a simple chicken and egg story. Unless I try it will not move. I know that.

Even more funny is – what do I speak? Whenever I have tried, the word sounds fine in my head. But out comes a sort of a croak. Nobody can understand what I am trying to say. After half a dozen tries, everyone gives up and I am exhausted.

It is very easy when someone asks me to say a word. Still it is a croak that comes out – but since they know the word already. Irrespective of how it sounds, it sounds better as they already know the word.

It is the same with predictable sequences. Like 1,2,3… Or a,b,c… Or January, February, March… etc. They all sound intelligible – while I am still saying gibberish.

But if I don’t speak gibberish, it won’t sound any better. I know that too…

Most times I put on 2-syllable or 3-syllable words for kindergarten on YouTube and repeat them. The TV doesn’t mind the gibberish.?

The real hindrance for me to speak are these 2 things:

#1. In order to speak, I have to first open my mouth. My jaw is so tight that trying to open the mouth is a herculean task. I know the same funda applies – if I don’t keep trying, it won’t get any better. Only problem is that I have been non-stop trying my jaw movements for like a year only to have it get worse. I feel like there is a muzzle I am wearing. This one is made of very tight rubber. Every millimetre I manage to open, the resistance gets harder.

#2. On account of #1, my mouth is shut most of the time. There is so much saliva secreted in the mouth it’s not even funny.
When I do open my mouth a bit, some position of the tongue and lips changes and all the saliva falls down.

I am not very concerned about that too. I am very accustomed to drooling all the time. I have a napkin (like a kid with a bib ?) on my chest always.

The trouble is, as much of it falls out, same amount falls in as well. A good amount falls down into the trachia (wind pipe). What follows is predictably unpleasant.

Due to the above 2, one being a physical barrier and the other being a mental barrier, there is no attempt to progress.

Someday, atleast one of it will relent. I will be closely listening to the body for signs…

11/8/21, 10:27 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Try ????….can you modulate your breathing force ? That way perhaps muscles around neck may become stronger, besides maybe helping the brain cells ..
11/8/21, 10:31 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5684016/
Seems JOE help in aspiration problems too ..you could study this further..
11/8/21, 10:37 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Of course clear all this with your doctors since I am a layman…
11/8/21, 10:41 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Not yet. No breath control yet.
11/8/21, 10:42 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Thank you Hardeep ji. Will read through ??

11/9/21, 11:24 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: When I was lying in the hospital – probably 2 months into my stroke. I used to lay thinking away into the night. Anyway my sleep cycle was all over the place and it used to be a miracle if I fell asleep for 2 hrs..

I had just started to move my toes and fingers on my left side. I could feel nothing on my right.

On one of those nights, I prayed to God to somehow restore movement on the right side. (That was my dominant side and I couldn’t imagine life without it).

I made a promise that I will give my best to somehow strengthen it and not give up if I got that movement back .

Now, 32 months later, I don’t know if there is a God, or a Creator or a Supreme Power or some other equivalent… The promise I made, has turned internal.

I have cheated a number of times in my exams. Mostly for the thrill of it. On a few occasions genuinely out of desperation.

In adult life, there have been many instances where I have found a convenient excuse – to not do something. The excuses seem very genuine when they have come to me. It doesn’t feel like cheating.

Many of these are things I told to no one else but myself. It was still possible to make valid excuses to myself and not feel like I have cheated and cut corners.

But this promise – which has turned internal, I don’t know to whom when I say ‘myself’, because this one, I am unable to cheat.

Whether it is during physio or oral feeding or anything else, when I find an excuse to give – it comes back to haunt me. And I keep at it.

It is not that I do everything. The physical capacity is real and hits the limit somewhere. But something doesn’t allow the mind to quit before the body.

I don’t know who or what is different with this version of ‘self’ inside that I am unable to cheat or make excuses to…

11/10/21, 2:20 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Cough is a regular feature of everyday. I get 3 types of cough mainly.

1 – aspiration triggered. Either saliva or some other fluid goes into the wind pipe and triggers the cough. This is easy to make out. I think I can feel the entrance of the wind pipe and the aspiration is a recognisable feeling. But since I don’t feel anything after, I just have to wait for the cough reflex to kick in. It takes 2-3 seconds sometimes. But the wait feels like an eternity. There is no doubt here, I have begun to relax knowing that the body’s defense is very reliable. Sometimes it is violent – but I am confident that whatever foreign body gets surely expelled.

2 – phlegm/ secretion triggered. These are sneaky buggers. Come without any warning. Since the phlegm is secreted within the lungs, it doesn’t get the foreign-body treatment. Why sometimes it triggers cough I don’t know. I can make out this one because the expelled secretion – I can feel at the base of the throat after cough. I keep coughing till I fully manage to swallow the same. I think when the body wants to expel something small/ little from the lungs/ trachia, it is very difficult by itself. It first encapsulates it with secretion and is easier for it to cough it out.
Sometimes a bad experience but can endure.

3 – Dry cough. These are an absolute train wreck. Since I can’t feel my lungs/ abdomen – I have no clue how or where the discomfort starts. I just know that the body is struggling with some discomfort as it starts making a groaning sound. Almost sounds like I am crying. It can be for a few seconds or many times can go on upto a minute. I guess family and regular visitors are used to it and immune by now. Rare visitors should be wondering what is happening and why I am acting that way.

I doubt they know, I also share a spectator seat with them to watch this drama unfold everytime…?

11/10/21, 3:28 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: ??????
11/10/21, 3:29 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Are you upto a few small tasks which I think you can do, Sreekanth ?
11/10/21, 4:06 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Please tell me Hardeep ji
11/10/21, 6:45 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Just wondering…can you google and start identifying latest developments in stroke treatment, and stroke warriors all over the world that it may be useful to have over to our zoom sessions along with contact coordinates if possible. I do this in an ad-hoc manner presently. You may identify say 3 such each day and send them over to me on Telegram. Or if you can, communicate over email with them asking if they would be interested…I have some templates we can modify as appropriate…
11/10/21, 8:43 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Will try tomorrow and see how I go…
11/10/21, 8:43 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: ????????

11/11/21, 1:01 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Every afternoon, I have some soup. twice in the afternoons actually.

I switched from juice to soup as the consistency is thicker. Stays on the tongue/ mouth longer till I can try to slowly push it down to the throat. Juice/ water consistently fluids – no moderation. Just flows in.

I think the oesophagus and wind pipe have decided to exchange roles. Almost everything goes into my wind pipe which is like an open Goalpost and the oesophagus barely opens. I think something like 10% goes down the oesophagus and into the stomach.

Almost 90% of it is coughed back out.

I doubt anyone has the stomach to witnesses the bout (see or listen). Except the nurses of course – prolonged exposure has made for a very thick skin.

But I get into the ring everyday. One would think it is a genuine fight. But it’s a known outcome everytime. I go into the rigged bout. A thrown match because of the payout. The hidden bonus.

Right from a very young age, I had severe bronchitis. My lungs would be clogged/ congested forever. Adrenaline/ penicillin injections were a common feature in our fridge growing up. There were no broncho-dialater sprays (like asthalin/ foracort etc) available in India then and had to be imported if needed.

One of my doctors adviced I play some rigorous sport – to keep the body/ lungs warm. That was the back story why I got into Basketball at a very young age.

As I got older – I don’t know when it was, Asthalin inhalers were available in India – courtesy of Cipla. Since then, I have always had one in my pocket, a spare in my bag, next to my bed, etc. Many referred to it as my spare lung.

Later, I also learnt and began a very noisy and very unpleasant to me and unbearable to others exercise. I used to regularly do it every few days to bring out/ clear my lungs of excess congested phlegm.

So, when I realised my state – this angle was a big – very big worry. I was to be active and I was lying In bed all the time. I could not use my inhaler as I can’t suck anything or hold the meds in. (Although the nebulizer helps). I am unable to voluntarily cough to do my trick and bring the phlem out…

It was a sure shot disaster.

Until I found this daily bout.

Very little goes into the oesophagus. Everything else goes into the trachia/ wind pipe. A violent cough is assured.

Viola – all the phlegm/ secretion comes out along with the soup.

I swallow almost nothing. How much we try to feed holds no bearing for me. I only stop when I can see no phlegm/ secretion coming out..

And that’s my trophy for the bout everyday… ?

11/11/21, 1:01 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: How do I know whom you have already contacted?
11/11/21, 1:08 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: I haven’t contacted much..but will share list with you of people am already aware of.
11/11/21, 1:59 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: ??

11/14/21, 1:16 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: After my physio daily, I stand for about 30 minutes using a standing contraption and supported by my two nurses.

I repeat it in the afternoon again for 30 minutes.

It should increase blood flow to the legs and strengthen those muscles.

Also supposed to strengthen the waist and back.

I hope it is doing it as it is a slower than snail process and impossible for me to make out. I am hoping it is doing all that.

Whilst I am hoping it is doing all that, the benefit to me is something else.

I lie on the bed for something close to 19 hrs and sit on the wheelchair (firmly) for about 3.5hrs. rest of the time (other than this hour standing) goes for sponge bath, cleaning, etc – lying on the bed also.

For those who have seen it, reminds me of Irfan Khan explaining in detail to Amitabh Bachchan in “Piku” about the best position to pass motion.

For almost 2.5 years, I have had absolutely no bowel movement and have had to resort to enemas every 4 – 5 days.

That changed couple of months ago after my standing routine.

The real benefit to me is getting “vertical pressure”. Also possible to a certain extent when I am sitting, but I am sitting squarely on my bum. Good luck with that!

Every 3 – 4 days now, the motion comes out. I still have no control, but it’s progress from enemas.

So every couple of days, when everyone else thinks I am exercising, I am actually on my bathroom break – also enjoying it with music playing nowadays ?

11/14/21, 3:06 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: The two nurses I have now have been with me for a couple of months now.

One is very young – early 20s and the second is mid 20s – married with 2 young kids.

First one is leaving tonight – unplanned stuff and second one mid next week – planned.

I have had at least two dozen nurses now. Some good with their work and others mostly lacking.

Even the good ones have been good with their work – but mostly the silent types. Rarely engaging me in any conversation. Most of them wouldn’t even talk to each other due to language incompatibility issues.

These two were an exception. They would talk 24×7, mostly inconsequential things – given their ages. They would be laughing all the time and engage me in conversation often – even though my contribution was limited to nods.

It kept the atmosphere in the room very light and cheerful.

So yes, I am very sad they are leaving – but also very glad they are going back to their lives and families – especially the one with young kids.

I cannot express the feeling/ emotion behind the sadness. I have known all very well along they are all passengers transiting at this terminal. Yet there is an attachment/ affection which cannot be explained.

So, I am anxious as to which characters will make an entrance as this act closes and the next one begins in my drama…

11/19/21, 2:35 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Most of the time, when I am struggling with something – like trying to move my right hand or leg or anything else during physio, I know exactly what to do.

Eg. when I am asked to lift the hand. I know the muscles in the triceps have to contract, the biceps have to relax and extend, the shoulder muscles should contract in a way, etc.

But nothing happens. No matter how much I try and concentrate on it.

Sometimes, I have to close my eyes and think of the arm moving. Just the final outcome and not of the constituents. Then it moves.

I guess that is the difference between ‘thought’ and ‘intention’…

Although, it has never worked for swallowing. I have anyway forgotten chewing anything now. After that, some magic used to happen and next morsel went into the mouth. I never paid attention to what happened inbetween. So I don’t know what to imagine.

Sometime back I saw a video on YouTube of a perfect swallow (an endoscopic view)

Reminded me of a sci-fi-alien-horrow movie, not very helpful… ?

11/21/21, 10:31 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Every day is the same…

Get up, physio, bath, sitting and standing, oral feeding, shift on to the wheelchair, exercises, shift back to bed and change, sleep. Peppered inbetween with feeds and lying in bed with the mobile.

I am tired and frustrated of it.
I have often felt like giving up…

Yet I continue and go to the next day and do the same things.

I have wondered why? Why do I do it? What is the reason behind it? I know I am not very weak. But even that strength is not enough for this living. This existing…

I think it is more out of “fear”. I am terrified of it actually. Continuing like this remainder of the life.

Not fear of dying. I think I have crossed that.

It’s “fear” of living.

If I give up and stop doing stuff, it doesn’t mean it will end. I will be just fed and kept alive like a vegetable. It will only prolong the misery. For me and everyone else. I am terrified of that…

I remember seeing in National geographic/Animal planet many times.

A cheetah is chasing a spring buck. After a long chase, the cheetah gives up and the buck gets away…

The cheetah is hungry, ferocious, faster than anything. Yet the buck gets away.

The cheetah is just running for it’s meal. But the buck is running for it’s life.

Difference in incentives.

In marketing/ advertising also, “fear” as an emotion is a much bigger incentive than “desire”.

So the buck keeps running… Everyday, everytime… afraid that the cheetah might catch up….

HS : Seen upto here-14 Aug. 22

11/21/21, 4:40 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Today I got a TV in the room. The broken one is still not working. They couldn’t get some parts so they will replace the whole TV. This is a temporary arrangement.

So that concludes my hearing experiment formally. It has been almost 4 weeks. Good enough I suppose… Here are the results…

Procedure:

Put on music/ songs that I am very familiar with, a bit loudly on my phone. Keep the phone closer to the right ear. Plug the left ear as tightly as I can. Close the eyes and listen.
Do the above as many times as possible everyday.

Observations:

Unfortunately, I did not do a baseline correctly. But on a scale of 0 – 10, I would peg it between 0 and 0.5 before I started. Some unintelligible noises would come through intermittently and feebly and there was a constant shrill sound (like the one we would get from a picture tube tv with no signal)

After 4 weeks of the listening, I think I can peg it at 3.5 – 4.
The background noise is still there – but has changed from the shrill noise to something we would hear if we held a big sea shell close to the ear. It has reduced a bit in intensity as well.

Inference:

The music therapy worked well – better than expected. The repairmen in the brain certainly benefitted from the help.

Other comments:

When I start doing it, I can hardly hear anything initially. After a few seconds, the sound gradually picks up. It reinforces the “use it or lose it” funda. Basically my brain doesn’t bother with the signals coming from the right ear. Why bother to do hard and complex work when there are loud and clear signals being served on a platter by the left ear!

Many sounds (frequencies) are quite distorted. Some are amplified more than others (eg, rythmic drum beats sound louder). Some are reduced (attenuated) quite a lot (eg, there is a song from ‘Dil chahta hai’ which has the Digiridoo playing – this is more or less gone). And some are completely transformed (eg. When I hear water flowing – eg, when the nurses are pouring from the bottle or somebody opens the tap), it sounds more like sand falling on a thin metal sheet. Its also amplified than it should.

I wanted to compare different types of music – classical, instrumental, pop etc. But I don’t know any classical etc well enough to play along in my head to make a fair comparison.

Conclusion:

It was a great experiment with positive results and I intend to continue to do it whenever I can remember (basically have to fight the TV urge)

I could argue it was just a coincidence. But unlikely to have done so suddenly after almost 3 years and so rapidly.

There is however a downside. I used to hear well with only 1 ear earlier. Now with one ear hearing clearly and the other one not clearly, I guess the composite sound that the brain is getting is distorted and makes lesser sense. I hope in the long run, the brain will repair the stereo inputs and won’t give up and revert back to mono sounds.

So if can imagine me, lying in my bed, eyes closed, music playing – don’t confuse that image to me resting. That’s me exercising ?
11/23/21, 11:05 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I am sorry for the spam. I don’t like forwards too..

Well, technically it is not a forward. So I guess it is ok.

I found this heartbreaking, unbelievable, and feeling I have nothing to complain and having all the power I need…

So thought I will share:

11/23/21, 11:09 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: ??????
11/25/21, 10:29 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Before I had my stroke, I was reasonably healthy and had a reasonable muscle tone. After the stroke, due to being absolutely immobile (muscle wasting), in about 8 weeks, I was reduced to skin and bones. It was horrible to see myself (I could only see my legs then). Seemed like only the skeleton!

But I was not very much concerned. Even though I was very concerned about how my body had become – I was not very worried. Besides, I knew how to build back muscles. I would do the same after I got ok (this was when I believed in the ‘some months’ version of I’ll get ok).

What I was secretly proud of was my teeth set.

Except for 1 cavity in the back of a molar (which was not visible from the front – in my defense), I hadn’t had to go to the dentist for anything else in my adult life (except when I was a very young boy – pre teens stuff).

I had quite a neat, well aligned, well maintained teeth set.

It took some time after the stroke for the muscle wasting to happen and turn me to a skeleton. A gradual process. Whilst it happened rapidly, didn’t happen overnight

The gums are made of 2 layers (well like all things, there is a lot more detail, but primarily 2).

The one attached to the teeth is called gingiva – quite rigid. The other is made up of muscle and ligaments. It is flexible, but very sturdy and continuously works to hold the teeth in its place. (It’s this flexible part we rely on, to realign teeth with braces. Takes a while)

Needless to say, we know what happened to all things muscle after the stroke. In the initial months – till my jaw rigidity set in, I could see my teeth (I used to be shown a mirror for feedback by my speech therapist).

The lips/ tongue were in a horrifying state anyway. I used to get even more horrified looking at my teeth set over the months.

There were no longer muscle to do their job. The teeth were taking a walk everywhere. They were also loosely helt and shaking all over (I could only see them – I could feel nothing in the mouth anyway). Every tooth was in some vague position. Even lost one of my upper incisor in the bargain.

After 32 months, I can feel them a little. I don’t know what I feel because they are all over the mouth and simply cannot relate to that feeling.

I think/ feel that the movement/ shaking is reducing too – which is good news.

Except – everything will get rigid/ frozen in it’s current positions like crooked statues.

I feel like a snake. My canines have moved back and turned inward. My fangs now! ?
11/26/21, 11:00 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Everyday I hit the wall… Several times…

Suppose I went to the gym. And the instructor asked me to use an equipment that was not in the gym. I would be wondering how?
That was how the first couple of months was. Everyone asking me to do something – and I had no clue what was being asked. My head had no idea what or how to do anything with the body.
Every question was “out of syllabus”!
It’s the first stage for my muscles – the feeling of not having any.

Then, after a long time, I went to the same gym. I was asked to do the dumbbells. Something I could see and hold.
Except they were 50kgs.
I couldn’t move it.
Incredibly “Weak” was the feeling.
That was the second stage – where I could feel it, know what to do – but just couldn’t do it.

After sometime, same gym.
I was given 5kg dumbbells – and asked to lift it 100 times.
I could lift 5kgs easily. But beyond a dozen times or so, just could not continue. I could hold it, I could lift it, but had no endurance.
That was the third stage. Just could not sustain anything.

Sometime later, same gym. It’s a 1 kg dumbbell. Easy enough. Except, it is welded to the ground.

I can see it, I can feel it, i should be able to do it. Yet I can’t.

Its the “range of motion wall”. I just keep banging on to it. It just won’t budge.

Many things are like that. Whether my physio asks me to lift the leg higher, or swing the arm little more, or I try to turn my head more to the right, whether I try to open the jaw more, whether I try to move the tongue sideways, and many many more things…

It’s not a feeling of weakness or lack of stamina. It feels like the movement is blocked by something beyond a point.
That’s the fourth stage I am encountering.

My whole body is in one of these 4 stages. Very strange and weird feeling.

I keep banging on the wall hoping it will give way.

I am not sure if that wall is the boundary wall or when it gives way, it will simply reveal the next…
11/27/21, 10:57 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: When I got to some ability to comprehend (about 4-5 weeks), I was told I had a stroke. (I am sure everyone would have told me earlier too – but nothing would have gone in)

Everyone around me had that lead time to do any research, understand it in detail and know the details of what had happened to me.

I on the other hand, knew the the summary – “I had a stroke”.

Generally aware and informed about many things, but I had spent my entire lifetime being ignorant about this aspect. I had absolutely no idea what a stroke is.

So I knew I had a stroke. But I was perplexed as to what had really happened to me. On some instances in the past, when someone had said someone had a stroke, I had just assumed it was something with the heart. I had never bothered to find out more about it.

Then I was told I had a surgery and they removed a colt from the brain. I found it hard to understand as I couldn’t see any visible bandages or scars on my head (or near the heart). If they had to operate the head, they would have to have shaved my head (or my chest if it was the heart). Anyway I could not feel anything nor could I see anything.

Then, I overheard some conversation that there were no medicines for this. That sounded crazy…

Then everyone started tell me everything was upto me and I had to have a strong mind and will etc, etc.

I had no clue what it meant or what I should be doing.

So for about 18 months or so, till I could handle the phone, I stayed guessing. Only after that, I knew what really happened to me.

One of my aunts, who I knew well, passed away suddenly in mar 2020 I think. I was told a year later. It was obviously to shield me from the bad news in case I am not able to handle it. But that set me off wondering – what else was I not being told for my own good?

My dad used to come daily to see me. His leg used to be bandaged always. I was told what was wrong. But I was always wondering how much have I been told? What was the real deal?

Same thing when he had Covid and had to be admitted to the hospital. Although I was being told he was ok, I was not sure what to believe…

I don’t know the data, but I would bet 99% of the people are like I was – blissfully unaware of what a stroke is.

Of that 1% who know what it is, would know only because someone they know closely had a stroke and they were exposed to the details or they dug out more details to find out more after the event.

It’s important to be aware of what a stroke is and how to recognise the symptoms. Undoubtedly important.

But what about the person who had the stroke. Most stroke survivors can’t even comprehend/ understand straight.

I think somebody who knows the real deal, once the survivor can understand, should explain in detail what happened, what to expect, etc. Unless of course someone is unstable and can’t handle it.

Otherwise, it is a perpetual mystery to the survivor.

Of course if somebody is able to themselves – that will be the first topic of research they will do..

And not telling stuff or partial things, . Everything will be taken with a pinch of salt for a long time…if someone can handle it – probably best to tell everything….
11/27/21, 11:50 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: ??????
11/27/21, 11:55 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: I think it is also because stroke and recovery from it is still largely a mystery. And sometimes ignotance can be bliss – or a limitation of the recipient.
Be that as it may, focus on what you can, and try to extend that continuously. That is the best way forward.
11/27/21, 11:57 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: Hi Sreekanth

There is very little engagement on SSI group which defeats its purpose. What can be done ? Would appreciate your ideas and efforts.

Thanks a lot.
11/27/21, 1:00 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I got quite a few folks ask me – how to determine if someone can handle it – all situations.

I think that is a very fair question. Each case is very different also.

In my case, where I could move little, could not speak and no means to express myself – it would have been next to impossible. Besides, I was constantly going in and out of depression and on anti-depressants most times. My mood was not my mood but an assisted altered mood.

So, I revise my view about what can be shared with folks. It’s truly very hard and upto individual case to case.

I however do feel survivors of stroke (or an episode leading to brain damage), should be explained in detail what really happened.

Most other ailments folks can understand whe told or ask. Even with something affecting the mind – most things are progressive and folks have the potential to understand initially what will happen. With a stroke or a accident leading to a brain damage – it is too sudden to comprehend…
11/27/21, 1:01 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I feel it as well. Let me think and share my thoughts…
11/28/21, 9:41 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Some days back, I had ordered something from BigBasket (an online grocery store). I usually use Amazon, but they didn’t have what I was looking for.

As it was the first time using BigBasket, I was not conversant with everything and ended up with a delivery slot of 6-9am next day.

Sure enough, I was in my physio, and my mobile rang. The normal sequence I am used to is – my mobile rings once or twice (that’s the delivery agent), then the landline rings (that’s the security calling to ask permission to let someone up), then the doorbell rings (delivery agent again) and my dog barking like mad. Then the delivery is complete for my mind.

This time however, after my phone rang a few times, nothing happened next.

When I got my phone later – there was a note from BigBasket that my order was reprocessed due to no response and would be delivered in the evening between 5-8pm.

I assumed it was a different process with BigBasket and they won’t go ahead if the mobile is not answered to confirm. So I asked my wife to answer my phone if she was around or ask our housekeeper to do so in the evening.

That day however, as luck would have it, both of them weren’t around and Murphy came. My phone rang. I picked it up – hoping they would think it was just a bad connection and they couldn’t hear, but it would indicate that someone was there and they would go ahead. Still nothing happened.

After sometime, I got a notification that the order was again reprocessed and will try again next day 6-9am. The reason was – door was not answered. What nonsense! I was in the living room, the kids were home, the nurses were home, the doorbell didn’t ring, my dog did not bark. Who were there kidding that the door was not answered!

Anyway, I asked my wife to have my phone in the morning so they cannot bluff again. I had even found their email and chat. I was determined to give a piece of my mind in the morning (didn’t have time in the night). What was their problem to just deliver to the address like everyone else. Why so many phone calls. Shouldn’t disabled folks order with them? What a dumb process (ironically not dumb friendly). I made up my mind never to us them again.

Next day in the morning, my wife came to me and told me I had the delivery address wrong – the door number was that of my parents. The poor delivery bloke had indeed spent a long while on the previous occasions, at the door. Nobody indeed opened the door (my mother is not in town).

I was dumb and dumber!

What is it that clears our mind immediately and look for faulting others first. What holds our mind above suspicion first rather than investigate it first.

Is it instinctive or cultivated?

I did feel very guilty for my thinking and very sorry.

I hope it was a lesson learnt about jumping to conclusions and I can put a check on the mind in the future…
11/29/21, 1:17 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Every night, just before I sleep, I pray. That must sound unlike me, but yes. I do chant a small prayer exactly 32 times.

For those who know it – its “रामस्कंदुम हनुमंतम …”

When I had the stroke, the spincter muscles at the base and top of the oesophagus I guess had no idea what to do, so I used to have a lot of regurgitation. After every feed, something would happen and the abdomen would squeeze 3-4 times. It would happen after every feed. The result – whatever was in the stomach (good amount of it I guess) would definitely come up to the throat. After coming up to the throat, it would inevitably go into the wind pipe. All joy for sometime after.

When I had the trachiostomy, there was a tube to the wind pipe and they could suction it out . Vacuum clean the wind pipe.

Once the trachiostomy was removed, I had to cough everything up. It used to be a horrible nightmare. I used to dread being fed everytime. That was my biggest fear/ worry to get the trachiostomy removed. I couldn’t tell anyone about it.

This still happens – sometimes not everytime I am fed. Also coughing up has become a little stronger and relatively easy to bring it up after.

Anyway, It used to be the worst for my last feed at 11:30pm. Most of the nurses I have had have no clue what a stroke is and do’es/ don’ts associated – let alone someone in my condition.

After the last feed (it’s late and curtains down time), so most would immediately recline my the bed to prepare me to sleep.

This would only make it worse. Increase the regurgitation, increase the aspiration and reduce the ability to cough. Increased joy!

After I got the ability to WhatsApp, I could tell them to wait for 5-10 minutes after that feed before reclining the bed.

But they could not understand why I was asking it. It was done – but not knowing the importance it held to me.

Inevitably, when was a change and new nurse came, this would be forgotten to be told (among many things), as there is no proper handover process. Most often, they are comfortable in different languages and understanding each other and handing over basic things itself is a feat.

So I had to do the drill all over. They would do it after a few reminders etc.

Sometime back, during and after feed, I was exercising my thumb by moving it all over my palm and fingers.

The nurse then patiently waited for sometime and asked me if I was done with my prayers. That is when I realised why she was silently waiting for me to finish.

It was too late, inconvenient to type and correct her – so I left it.

Next night, I had forgotten the incident. But after the feed, she asked me whether I would do my prayers – so she can wait. That’s when I got reminded.

I don’t know why I didn’t say no, I just played along and did my exercise for my thumb for sometime and later indicated I was done. This time, to make it look authentic, I closed my eyes.

Was I conning her? Maybe. But it served my purpose of introducing a wait period after feed before sleeping. And it was not harming anyone. So I continued my practical joke.

Few, days later, she remarked that my prayers got over sooner that night.

Closing my eyes was not sufficient for seeming authentic, it had to be the same timeframe everytime.

We have 3 joints on each finger. So 4 counts on each finger if the fingertip is counted as well. 4 fingers (the thumb is the one keeping count). So 16 in all.

But that chant is quick. 16 times gets over fast. So I say it 32 times. Easy to keep count. Not because some scripture prescribed so. Only because it was a convenient count for me.

When my nurse had to be changed, whether anything else was explained/handed over or not, she made it a point to tell the incoming nurse that I was very religious and before sleeping I will do my prayers. They have to wait for me to complete it and then switch off the lights etc.

That was brilliant! Ensured handover.

So, like a proper religious man, I follow my daily prayers. It has become a proper ritual now.

I can’t help thinking how many other rituals/ traditions we follow, without knowing why we do something in a particular way…

Why that particular chant/ prayer you ask?

It is a prayer to god (lord Rama and his companions), to protect us from bad dreams in the night.

I chant it not because I feel lord Rama will come and drive away the monsters from underneath the bed…

Before my stroke, this was the chant/prayer I would say loudly with my kids before putting them to sleep at night. Feels good that’s all…
11/29/21, 11:34 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: ??????
May I suggest you download Google Docs on your phone and make a document say “important”…start jotting in it whatever is important for others to know. A weekly print then maybe taken, and you can update as required….
11/29/21, 11:36 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: You can do similar in ‘ keep notes’ app as well of Google…a bit faster…
11/29/21, 11:36 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Oops…Google Keep app…
11/30/21, 8:09 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Great idea. Thank you Hardeep ji.
12/2/21, 11:08 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I like for things to be done in a way. Many reasons for it, but it bugs my mind If done otherwise…

The first is just OCD. I have always had OCD. The stroke did nothing to change it. Not everything but something’s I had to do a certain way. I don’t get angry or agitated or upset if done otherwise. Just something doesn’t fit well in my head.

After the stroke, I could do nothing. Everything was done the way it was done…

The earliest I can remember is when folks kept something, anything on the bed some way. It wouldn’t even touch me, but the nut in my head would become loose. I don’t know if I was able to show it, as I had very little movements then.

Many many things done in the hospital wound me up. Over time, I have gotten used to not being able to do anything about it.

It’s a game in my mind now. I keep placing bets on how stuff gets done. I feel like I am at the casino each time.

Ex. Everyday, after my bath, moisturing lotion is applied to me. In my head, the right order to do it is left hand first, right hand next, torso next, followed by the left and right legs. That’s when the nut sits properly on the bolt in my head.

Sure enough, every day is a new day. So the gambling begins for me. Mind you, any order yields the same outcome. Same job done and same time taken. No difference to me in reality. It still winds up the brain.

The second category is out of the way my brain is structured I guess. It just can’t stop thinking. Looking for ways something can be done little better. Most things don’t make a real/ material difference.

I take the example of my bath, sponge bath.

Any other seems like the same thing. The job gets done. However not the same.

My bed is close to the wall on my left. So the nurse giving the bath has to stand on the right side of the bed along with the bucket of water etc.

The sequence in my head is the same. However, there is a reason this time.

When a limb is washed this is the steps:
1. Wipe the limb. Just getting it wet basically.
2. Apply soap and scrub.
3. Wipe it 3 times to remove the soap.
4. Use a dry cloth and wipe it dry.

That completes the limb. Move on to the next.

Now since the nurse is on the right side, most often, it’s closest first.
However, after dealing with the right side, we have to reach across to the left. So water, soap will drip and fall on the already cleaned and dried right side too.

I get dried again in the end to wipe off the mess caused. Doesn’t take much time. No harm done.

It doesn’t bother me much. It’s not a big deal.

What bothers me is this.

Some days, just completely randomly, the left side is dealt with first. On those days, the last activity of cleaning up is not necessary and is not done.

However, it’s like a throw of dice. Everytime the probability of getting a number remains the same. Each event is separate and does not affect the next.

Next day is again random. The benefit got doing something different simply does not get noticed and adopted.

That unscrews the nut a lot more…

Again, since there is very little impact, I just resort to gambling.

The third category is different. It actually has a bearing on me. But most of them are complex observations and very hard to explain.

There are countless things. But the most hilarious example I can recollect is as follows…

I was in Mumbai last year for a month. Should have been longer but got cut short due to the pandemic and lockdown. Got back on Mar 24th early morning and the lockdown started that night. It was no less than a miracle how we got back – we would have been stranded in Mumbai for 3 months otherwise.

It’s to do with my PEG feed. The peg tube is a tube connected to my stomach. I think it is about 5mm in diameter and about 1ft long. So, to pour the feed, we need a funnel. Instead of a wide funnel, what is used is a 60ml syringe. I think it is made for that purpose, as it fits snugly with the peg tube opening. The tube has a pinch clamp – to control the flow and close.

The usual process followed by the nurses ( not just in Mumbai but everywhere), is as follows:

1. Connect the syringe. First pour some water, 20-30ml – it’s to remove air blocks and ensure the tube flows fine and there is nothing obstructing.
2. Before the water fully goes in and the tube/ syringe becomes empty, start pouring the feed (whatever it is). Around 300ml, so it takes 6-7 times pouring into the syringe for the whole feed to get over.
3. After the last pour of the feed is over, pour water so the syringe is full.
4. The tube is not left empty, so stop the flow by closing the pinch clamp. Usually I have seen everyone closing it when there is about 1/3rd syringe remaining – about 20ml or so.
5. Drain off that remaining water, remove the syringe, close the tube and that’s it.

The whole show usually takes about 10min.

The hospital in Mumbai is very well reputed for stroke/ neuro rehab. They also have tailored feeds to suit. There was a special oil which was given with every feed (a spoonful).

That’s on paper. In reality, I have not gotten a single spoon of that oil. Not just me, I am willing to bet none of the patients on tube feeds gets any.

They are not frauds. They would get the bottle regularly and give a spoonful every feed. Without fail.

Except, from the looks of it – nobody had trained anyone how to administer it.

The spoonful of the oil would be put into the feed, stirred well and every nurse religiously followed how the feed is generally given.

The feed is water based, the oil seperated and floated to the top. After everything was fully poured into the syringe, water would be poured. Stop the flow when the syringe has about 20ml left – which in this case was the oil mainly. Throw it off, close the tube and that’s it.

This was when my fingers/ wrist had not much strength and I was not yet on whatsapp – so I could just see the circus everytime and say nothing.

Anyway different reasons, but same result. Everyday is full of such fun. And I love the gambling…?
12/2/21, 11:41 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: ?? well, in life many things just happen, and have to be taken that way.
Still suggest if your mind has worked out a way that seems better to you, share it on a Google doc or keep app, have it printed out and give to the nurse / caregivers so that they understand your POV, and follow it hopefully.
And then your mind can move on to something else ?
12/2/21, 12:25 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I have tried explaining via whatsapp. Most times they can understand little or no english. They can’t figure out what I am saying…
Gambling is better ??‍♂️
12/2/21, 1:09 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Once you have a Google doc or note on Keep, you can share same with others in family. They can use Google translate or Google input to translate to whatever language. They can even make audio instructions that then the nurse may store on their mobile phone…or the family can tell them how to do based upon your notes.
12/2/21, 2:20 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: ??
12/5/21, 8:29 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I was just thinking last night/ early morning today..

What if someone ran an organisation. Which looked like this:

A professional services organization – which is run well – to international standards.

Does generate earnings – but maximising profits is not the goal. Is not a listed business so has no typical investors, so no market pressures for quarterly profits etc.

Then a 2nd part of the organisation – almost a co-ceo, whose only objective is to give away wealth. Initially start with giving away earnings generated by the other hand but approaches wealthy to offer to run their philanthropic interests.

I am guessing one of the worries of very rich folks to give away wealth is – how to ensure the wealth actually reaches the needed place with well run place.

The business side – since it doesn’t have typical pressures, can give time to their employees to be part of or even run some of these initiatives – I am sure tons of folks would join such a place where they are rewarded with an opportunity to do greater good – for doing good work. Certainly good for attracting and retaining talent.

The professional services discipline and experience of many will certainly be handy for the philanthropic side of the org.

Of course, they will need many more folks full time doing this also…

The philanthropic focused side can almost have like a “objectives/ requirements gathering” for the wealthy individuals to know which areas they want to make an impact and draw out corresponding initiatives/ projects and run steering committees , balanced scorecards, etc.

The business side can have verticals/ divisions focussed on
Education, health, sustainable energy etc – where they not only offer services to such clients but are building up expertise and experience in these area – which can be very helpful for the other arm. They could run many of the philanthropic initiatives for their clients.

I know, I know, it is just a early morning dream..

But if it were possible – wouldn’t it help solve a lot of global issues???
12/7/21, 10:01 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: 3 years back, I was dethroned. It was an overnight coup of sorts.

Now, I am plotting my way back. Long way to go, but someday I hope to get the throne back..

I feel like raja Bhoja trying to get king Vikramaditya’s throne.

Except there are no statues of Apsaras (damsels) coming to life and quizzing me. Life itself is coming and testing me daily.

Every day is a different test with a teaching – could be hard work, could be patience, could be some wisdom, etc.

I have neither seen the throne or the courtroom since. Almost forgotten how it looked.

The yearning for the royal feeling, which I took for granted I must say, is very very deep.

So tomorrow morning, when you sit on your throne, be grateful for the royal feeling…
12/8/21, 1:22 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: ??????
12/8/21, 10:31 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I have had many kinds of teats after my stroke. The ones I remember the most is referred to as the MEP test . I underwent it 4 times I think. Thrice when I was conscious and could know what was going on and once when I was in la la land still.

That was initially when I was in the ICU and hadn’t yet come back to reality.

That particular time, I was convinced they were harvesting my organs as part of some racket. I wanted to get out of that place asap – I didnt yet know I was in a hospital.

The last one I think was November end last year.

I want to describe this test, mainly because it was always done in the ICU and unlikely anyone from family or friends would have seen it. The test was what it was. I have described it the way I experienced it.

The MEP test – Motor Electric Potential test. I think it is to check how much of the signals from the brain propagates to the limbs.
I don’t know how many places they do it.

Anyway, it had to be done only in the ICU – I guess just in case they end up needing all the emergency attention and equipment. That should have alerted me – but it didn’t the first time. After that, I knew what to expect.

I was wheeled into the ICU on my bed and taken to a separate room (isolation ward maybe?) not in the common area.

It took sometime to get all the players to the field. The main doctor, the supporting doctor, rest of the crew…

After they brought in all the gig, I felt at home – like I was back in our electrical lab. There were loads of wires, connection panels, indicator led lights etc. There were other monitors too – which was turned away from my sight – so I don’t know what it showed.

I was amusing myself with all this, and the supporting doctor started setting up.

First the extremities (feet & palms) were cleaned with a cool liquid. That’s usually done to clean the skin with some alcohol based fluid to help the electrodes stick better.

Then she opened a packet of wires. I did wonder then why new leads? All other cases, like ecg, ncd, etc, they reuse the leads. I didn’t think much about it.

It was very colourful – red, blue, green, yellow, brown, etc. Not a single lead had a repeated colour.

They were single strand wires, same size as any single strand wire. All of them had a jack at one end and the other end free. That was strange. Almost all leads have a circular patch at the end – to smear some gel to improve the conductivity.

Now I was irritated. Why not do all that beforehand instead of wasting the patient’s time. I was on an empty stomach for 6 hrs for the test.

Each of the wires – the jacks went into the big panel to specific slots (colour coded I presume)

I was waiting for the cold feeling when the gel is put. Except, no gel.

Instead, I felt a immense pain in my feet. Like a very big syringe/needle injection. It was completely unexpected. The wires went straight into the skin at designated points. I would have screamed – except I had no voice. So I screamed inside my head.

It was 2 wires on each of the feet and 2 on each of the palms. It bled quite a bit. Not because of just the puncture to the skin, but because I was on continuous blood thinners and slow to clot.

Took a few minutes, wiped clean and fastened with micropore tape.

It was done. Either it stopped paining or I just got used to it I guess.

Then came a jabbing pain in my head. No it was not inside, it was the leads that were inserted into my head directly now. I counted 3 of them.

Next I was asked to open my mouth. It is to insert a “bite block” – which pushes the tongue back so that we don’t inadvertently bite it off…

Of course I could not open my jaw. They tried to muscle their way , but were not successful. Finally they gave up and stuffed lots of sterile gauze to get the same effect.

Then I was asked “ready?”. I think that was rhetorical. I don’t know if “no” after all the trouble was an acceptable answer. So I nodded my head to indicate “yes”.

Then, one of them said “clear” and everyone took a step backwards.

Now, this is a scene I had only seen in movies – where some doctor with paddles in their hands tells “clear” to others before giving a jolt trying to revive some poor soul. The next scene is of the monitor – the poor blip of the heartbeat struggling to rise. This is what was running in my head.

Sure enough, next came the jolt. This jolt however was not trying to crank up the heart, it was a lightening bolt trying to knock off the head.

I think I didn’t realise anything for a few seconds after. The “bite block” is certainly a good idea!

When I came to my senses, I could see the main doctor asking me if I was ok. I don’t know what anyone would say. Even if I could speak, the mouth was fully stuffed.

But I was glad it was over and I could go back to the ward and sleep, be fed, whatever.

Then I heard him say “take it up to 250”. I don’t know if he meant “volts” or ” milliamps” or some other damn unit. But the familiar “clear” came next.

The process was repeated 3 times in all.

Followed by what seemed like very mild currents for a few minutes. I guess it was to see the fidelity for different waves – I don’t know.
Felt like very mild tingling.

Then the dismantling. More bleeding when the wires were pulled out. No pain, just oozing.

Then came the most torturous part. I had to remain in the ICU for 15 minutes or so under observation.
So a bunch of monitoring stuff were connected and everyone went away.

I couldn’t call anyone. There was just music for company. Music created by all the various machines beeping away at different intervals.

So I lay, in the isolation room, staring at the ceiling, for what seemed like an eternity till I was rescued by 2 GDAs (General Duty Assistants – a.k.a ward boys) and wheeled back to the room.

The subsequent times was easier. Not that it was any different – I just knew what to expect. The surprise element was removed.

The last time it was done – end Nov 2020, the doctor, with excitement, had told me that there were some signals flowing to my right leg and I would start movements within 2 months.

He also said there was no signals in the right arm, so can’t say – have to repeat the test in 6 months and see again. This bit was not told to me directly. But I overheard him talking and telling to the other doctor.

2 months later I was happy. There were no movements in my leg. That meant the test uncovered nothing predictable or accurate. So it couldn’t have been right about my hand either. So there was still hope….
12/9/21, 10:45 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I was watching something yesterday about the growing number of suicides the world over. The pandemic, lockdowns, uncertainty, lack of social support etc is accelerating the trend.

It got me thinking, why do we even think of committing suicide?

Don’t read me wrong. Depression is real. Suicidal tendencies are real. I have spent a large part of the last 3 years constantly contemplating about it.

But why do we do it? We humans are the only species to think it and do it.

No animal jumps off a cliff without knowing how to fly. No animal wades into the ocean if it doesn’t know how to swim…

Some insects – like soldier ants, bees, etc. are known to give up their life to defend their colony. But that is just instinctive sacrifice as part of living…

I get the science – only we have a deep sense of self, a deep understanding of cause and effect, etc.

But I would assume survival instinct would prevent such thoughts.

I get murder – it is very little in humans because of conscience. I get someone else taking ones life out of mercy/ compassion when we can’t think for ourselves. But thinking about it ourselves…

In the worst of times, the mind I assume, should have some insulation mechanism from these thoughts. Just like the mind doesn’t allow us to think about unnecessary things when in a “fight or flight” situation.

If everything evolved over millions of years, isn’t it anti evolutionary to want to end one’s own life?

If it is indeed against evolution, who or what is making the mind think in that direction?

Metaphorically speaking, life could be a prison from somewhere else – with each one serving their own sentence term. How rigorous the imprisonment should be the body we get. In that sense, being human is most probably the most rigorous it can get.

Occasionally, someone tries to escape. Will they be apprehended? Will they be sent to a different prison and longer term?

Is there something like a successful escape…?
12/11/21, 8:53 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Folks with 1 child (yet), or no children (even happier I gather), will struggle to get this..

You will understand no doubt, but probably not get the depth of it.

When we had our 1st daughter, everything was new. The Joy was new and the apprehensions were new as well.

If something didn’t seem right – get worried, if she was crying – consult dr. Google, if she didn’t eat – dance around, if she didn’t sleep – carry her around, if she didn’t feel well – a real doctor consultation, etc

With our second daughter, it was different.

If she didn’t eat – she will eat when she gets hungry, “she’ll be alright”, if she didn’t sleep – she will sleep when she gets tired, “she’ll be alright”, if she had temperature – paracetamol first then we’ll see, “she’ll be alright”, etc.

Don’t get me wrong. We were just as overjoyed, cared just as much and loved her just as much.

We were more relaxed. Didn’t have to hit the “panic” button often.

I think I started to get movements in my left hand at 5th week – very slowly. Sometimes it would not move, sometimes it would feel very heavy, sometimes it would feel very weak, etc.

These were times when I could not yet communicate. We had a letter board and I have eaten my wife’s head more often than I can recollect pointing to “w” “e” “a” “k”.

I would say my left hand is about 10% of what it was (strength, endurance, flexibility, range of motion, fine motor control, etc. Everything taken together). And that is almost 3 years since it started moving.

My right hand (on the other hand ?), there are no movements still – little in the shoulder area. But it feels weird all the time. Sometimes pulling, sometimes itchy, sometimes heavy, sometimes very rigid, sometimes burning, sometimes shooting pain, etc.

If the left hand got to this state after 3 years, the right hand will need a decade probably.

Nothing to worry – “She’ll be alright” is the reaction.

My right hand is my second child…
12/12/21, 7:34 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: ?????? wondering…have you tried ‘manifesting’ as suggested by The Secret and Brisa…does it make any difference ?
12/12/21, 8:10 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: No Hardeep ji.
12/12/21, 9:20 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: You have tried and it did not help or you have not tried to begin with ?
12/12/21, 10:43 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I don’t know what it is. But I have tried other similar things…
12/12/21, 10:46 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: Oh ok ..there is a book called The Secret which is quite popular…a movie was also made awhile ago. I haven’t gone into details but Brisa seems to follow that well . Let me dig out some details …
12/12/21, 10:48 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: https://fourminutebooks.com/the-secret-summary/#:~:text=1%2DSentence%2DSummary%3A%20The,achieve%20anything%20you%20can%20imagine.

Here a summary…
12/12/21, 10:52 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Thank you. I will see the details…
12/12/21, 8:28 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I think you have enough from me ?
12/12/21, 9:40 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Yes, may use some ?
12/12/21, 9:42 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: ???
12/13/21, 8:22 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Last evening, my friends had come home. A young couple (much younger than I am). I was happy to see them after a while.

They had brought their (I think they said he was a year and 7 months) along.

It was quite apparent they doted on him. They said they have setup an Instagram page for him and keep it regularly updated.

He was full of energy and excitement and wanted to go everywhere. They had to literally hold him back from running around and knocking things about.

We were told he had taken after his father – a better colour.

There was the usual talk of his antics throughout. We (my wife) and they spoke about his diet, what he eats, huw many times, etc.

Like everyone born in the past two years, we were told how anxious he gets when even one of them go somewhere.

My kids liked him very much. But I could see one of them was not liking all the enthusiasm around him much.

I think they were home for about 2 hours, and 95% of the conversations were around him. I was alert and happy and devoured everything.

Somewhere in between the conversation went towards technology – some tools I didn’t know about, but they use in their office – which is supposed to be great for teamwork, collaboration, communication, etc. Basically they don’t have to use much e-mails now.

Normally, this is the kind of conversation that interests me. Especially if I have not been familiar with something, I perk up and listen with heightened attention and try to soak up as much as I can.

However, I could feel my mind withdrawing. It was no longer interested. It’s not that I was not understanding. I could follow it all. But I could feel the lack of interest with it.

The amount of time away from all of those things, my changed circumstances, everything has transformed my mind. I couldn’t relate to it anymore.

Btw, did I mention their 1.7 year old is a extremely lovely “Golden Retriever”…
12/13/21, 10:52 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: As I was ordering something on Amazon yesterday and I realised…

In the last one year, I have spent a lot, received some, made payments/ made transfers, etc.

I haven’t had to go to a bank.

I haven’t had to write a cheque.

I haven’t had to use a credit card

I haven’t had to use a debit card.

I haven’t visited an ATM.

I haven’t touched any currency notes (in fact, I don’t even remember how they look)

All from the bed – on my phone…

Just in case anyone has any doubt about the future of money…

It is even more confusing with the advent of crypto currency..

How do we really teach this new next generation, what “money” is…?
12/15/21, 4:49 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: For a very long time, the mind didn’t want to fight. It was too daunting a fight. It surrendered without any resistance…

But the body, as it couldn’t work with the mind, could be kept alive anyway – artificially.

Then the mind realised this was a very different fight. Surrendering does nothing really. The enemies are surrounding everytime, but they are doing nothing after. They are just waiting around for the mind to perish.

After a while, the mind, mostly out of frustration and boredom of nothing really happening, decided to stand ground and not trying to keep running.

However, the body is not doing anything. Well, that’s not right, it’s doing things – just not doing things fast enough for the mind.

The mind is feeling the body is not being a team player. Not carrying it’s share of weight (literally).

I hope they get along and do the task on hand and finish the job.

I am worried they might have a falling out and the mind will decide to try running away again…
12/16/21, 9:10 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: Worry = mind working
Hope = mind working
Realising = mind working
Deciding = mind working
So, plenty already on, focus on manifesting…
12/16/21, 9:12 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: https://youtu.be/DXTTvAO88bc

Seems like the full audio book. If you want the EPUB I have it somewhere…
12/16/21, 10:40 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: ??
This is fine
12/17/21, 12:41 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I have had mosquitoes sitting on me regularly enjoying their drink uninterrupted. Some places I can feel them, sometimes not, sometimes it itches, etc. But I have got used to them and ignore them for a long time…

I have had all sorts of insects. None of them have bitten me. They are amusing to watch.

Once in a while, a small spider runs along. I don’t know if they bite. Sometimes it itches very much.

Ants are a very regular visitors. Don’t know if these ones (the small brown variety) bite either. Off late, I can reach some of them – on my abdomen or right hand. But I have got used to them as well and just ignore.

Initially, I don’t recollect who had told me, I was told I would feel strange feelings – like burning, ants crawling, etc. on me as the limbs recover.

So when I could feel that crawly feeling, I was overjoyed that my hand was healing. I was so disappointed later to see an actual ant taking a stroll.

Over time I have got used to it. They don’t trouble me anymore.

What really gets me worked up is the common House Fly. It is not very common, but today one has been playing with me.

They don’t bite, they are not clean – but that hardly matters to me. There is no exposed food that I have. The one who is rolling in shit hardly can complain about Flys.

Yet it bothers me.

Maybe it’s because of all the visuals of hunger, malnutrition, death, etc – any hopelessness image basically. The Fly is always there to give the right effect.

Reminds me so much of this bit by Trevor Noah (the current best comedian – in my opinion)

?
12/19/21, 10:46 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: As far as I know, the bits that we (humans) regenerate are hair, nails and skin. They are strictly not regeneration as its just replenishment of dead cells by more dead cells.

Some animals regenerate small and simple things like tails, etc.

The only animal (known to man), that regenerates and entire limb if severed, is the Salamander. Skin, Bones, muscles, nervous system, etc – the whole works.

A lot of research is being done with the salamander (for a very long time) to understand this. It hasn’t gone far yet…

For something to grow, for the 1st time, every cell knows what to do because of the DNA. Its a sort of biological reference/ Blue print of what to build.

Once done, if there has to be a regrowth, the DNA has the reference, but does the brain instruct what to do?

When part of the brain is damaged (due to stroke or trauma or something else), what happens?

We are not regrowing anything, but the brain has to reconnect neurons in a different path to do the same thing. There is no growing involved so I am guessing DNA is not helpful. Who is telling the brain what to do?

In am thinking, in case of motor functions, I guess repeated external movements teach the brain how to connect the neurons. Once the connection is established and strengthened, the brain takes over and tells the body what to do.

I am assuming things not directly visible, like swallowing, are harder, but still physiological and might follow the same mechanism.

Many times, cognitive and abilities such as language, words recognition, etc. are affected. How does it work then? There is nothing physical to train externally.

Maybe making a repetition of word recognition and correlation sets the same mechanism in motion in the brain. It must be such a hard thing to do. Especially without support of a reference from DNA.

In some cases, it is not even possible to correlate or show and tell – like when emotions or feelings are affected. Mainly, Nurtured stuff and not Nature stuff…

What happens then?
Is there no hope?

If it does repair – how or who or what is doing the repair? What is the reference?
12/19/21, 11:21 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: Thinking as a layman, new pathways could be a result of plain attrition…signals going back and forth over the same way, thereby deepening the way, making travel for future signals easier and easier . No instructions from any entity, just accumulation of experience. There is the well known concept of muscle memory where conscious thought is no more needed.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscle_memory
Further, it is also established that in many people, conscious may be bypassed , or even altered – look at hypnosis for example. :

The use of Hypnosis in the rehabilitation of patients with stroke

12/19/21, 11:23 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: ????
12/20/21, 10:57 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I had gone for a check up today to the hospital.

It was an endoscopy test.

Tube with camera goes through the nostril, through the nasal cavity and down to view the throat, Vocal folds etc.

Usual stuff. No fuss there.

The fun started after.

The doc suggested we do a “Barium swallow test” so as to confirm something before recommending next course of action.

Instead of doing the whole exercise of going home, scheduling again and going all the way, it made a lot more sense to finish it off the same visit.

Some checking and they confirmed we can be accommodated today.

So we went to another floor another department. That place is a maze. We need Google maps to find our way anywhere.

After getting there , they said its a quick test. Except i needed a covid negative report.

The option was going back or get their rapid test. Logic prevailed again.

Except, we had to go to the emergency department for it.

Different floor and some more playing in the maze.

It took a while, I can swear the swab from my nostril was more uncomfortable and painful than the endoscopy tube.

After some wait and being fleeced for the covid test – I was declared safe material and we made our way back.

Now I am familiar with the Barium swallow test.

I am made to swallow a mildly radioactive barium fluid, which acts like a contrast dye, so that we can do a video x-ray of what happens in the throat.

Except, I was alone this time inside the lab. no familiar speech therapist, no familiar doctor, no other familiar faces… That got me a bit apprehensive.

The technician asked me if I understood English. I was tempted to indicate ‘no’ and see what happens… In a rare sense of restraint, I behaved.

He explained the process and I indicated I understood.

Now, it was 6 hours since my last feed. I hadn’t factored all this unplanned stuff. My body is used to be fed every 2 hours. My body was famished. I can’t feel hunger much, but I can sence the depletion by other indicators like stiffness, tiredness, etc.

I was ready to gorge on radium or plutonium if they gave any.

The barium solution is a white slightly thick fluid. Reminds me of emulsion paint. Very hard to describe the taste. It tastes like a very bad antacid mixed with battery solution and a metallic aftertaste.

‘Disgusting’ in one word.

The xray machine is like a very big horse shoe. The big drum of xray generator on one side and the receiver/recorder on the other.
The subject (my face/ throat in this case) has to be in the middle.

So i was placed there. The big drum was about 1 inch from my face – i am thinking not a great idea…

The lead person told me that they will give the solution and told me “hold it in the mouth and swallow when I tell you”

I was laughing in my head thinking “ha ha ha ya right. I wouldn’t be in the horse shoe if I could do all that”

Previous time, my speech therapist was there. She knew my capabilities and had given a spoonful of that godforsaken liquid.

I should have suspected it. There was no spoon visible.

The paper cup in which they serve coffee in the trains – half of the cup was poured into the mouth in one go.

Within half a second, predictably , the volcano erupted.

The first thing I thought of was the drum 1 inch from my face. Thankfully, I had the sense to remove my glasses when the process was being explained earlier.

I was head banging on the drum with lava flowing everywhere.

In my head, I was relaxed. I am used to this drama every afternoon.

But them. They thought they would stroll on a pleasant mountain and it suddenly erupted unannounced.

There were 6 people in the room who all hit the panic mode instantly.

One was holding me, another was desperately trying to remove the horse shoe, one was trying to wipe all the lava flowing, one was shouting “suction” (vaccuum cleaner small enough to go inside the mouth/throat), another was rushing to get the suction machine and realised it was not connected, another shouting “tongue depressor” so on…

It was cacophony for a while.

I was enjoying the show.

Then the real mysery stated, there is no tube anymore for the suction from my throat. The pipe had to go in from my mouth. Next couple of minutes was torture. Worse than the actual swallow-aspiration-cough.

I was constantly indicating I was ok with a ‘thumbs up’ I don’t think they are familiar with that signal. The lead person was constantly saying ‘still getting a gurgling noise’ between telling me to cough, swallow, suck the tube, etc and I am again thinking “i wouldn’t be here if I was able to do any of that”

Anyway, it took 5 minutes to prep, 5 seconds for the test and about 12 minutes to clean me up, make me presentable – almost, couldn’t remove the emulsion paint from my clothes, compose themselves – every one of them had the ‘deer in the headlights’ look initially.

The icing on the cake was when the genuinely concerned technician asked me if I wanted a glass of water.

Really, after all that fun. In my head I was ROFL.

Anyway, all mundane stuff afterwards. We found our way out of the maze, got into the car, more traffic and got home.

I am not very surprised about the tests. Everything was as expected.

But I was overjoyed.

Not because I had my outing – it had been 8 months.
Not because I saw things outside – I can barely see stuff when moving. When we are slow or stationery – all I saw was traffic.

No, none of those.

I was thrilled because the test was a huge success.

I was running a test of my own alongside.

My incontinence has gone bad. I pee every 1~ 1.5 hrs. That is my biggest worry going out.

I get fed every 2 hours.
350 ~ 400ml feed + 100ml water each time.

Today I had feeds at 6am, 8am & 10am. Nothing afterwards.
8hrs no feed before that in the night.
I cut the feed to 200ml and very little water (maybe 30ml).

The body has a survival mechanism. If it senses a sudden depletion of fluids, it will run on conservation mode. Reducing loss in sweating, reducing saliva secretion, slowing down the kidneys etc.

And it worked.

I left my bed at home at 12:05pm and I was back to my bed at 6:10pm

No urine!!!

And I survived 8 hrs of no feed (except a little bit of battery acid)

I was not worried about the empty stomach. I was more worried about a full bladder..

I can do upto 6 hrs. Yay!!!
12/22/21, 10:47 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: There are many balls bouncing about all the time.
When we take a snapshot of this,
they all seem stationary.
Some are up, some down, some somewhere…
But they are all in motion going up or going down.

When it is up, it becomes slow – very hard for the ball to make out if it will continue going up or turn back down.

However, for the one that is down, the impact with the ground is unmistakable.

Sure, it is at the lowest point.
But there is only one direction to go from there.

It is very powerful to know that…
12/23/21, 8:23 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: ??????????
12/23/21, 11:05 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: When I was in the hospital after the stroke – maybe 2-3 months after, I could move my left palm. I used to indicate that they, anyone, had to keep my legs apart (shoulder width maybe). I don’t know if anyone knows why. It was probably another one of the ocd behaviors.

Well not really. Anyone wearing a diaper will know how uncomfortable it is to keep the legs close together.

But really did I feel uncomfortable? I have had no feelings there for a very long time. Initially when my neck was not able to lift the head – I couldn’t even see the body when lying down. Even now, I am able to feel very little.

So I was not feeling anything. I just knew that it would be uncomfortable and I was feeling uncomfortable the way I thought it must feel uncomfortable.

Now, I can see and also feel a bit. It’s still uncomfortable. But it’s a different uncomfortable. This is what the body is feeling and not the one the mind is making up.

I am fed every 2 hrs. If it gets delayed for some reason, I start feeling hungry and get worked up. But really, been a very long time since I felt hunger. The Stomach feeling hungry kind. Not the one made up by the brain. I was not fed on my recent outing for 8hrs. I didn’t feel hungry for 4hrs at least.
But hang on, did I really feel hungry ??

Nowadays my incontinence has increased a lot. I have to pee every hour – hour and a half. I just can’t control it.

There are some exercises to strengthen the muscles around the bladder etc. But I am not yet able to feel my abdominal area to try any of it. When I am able to – I guess it will help.

I have a good sense of time. There is a clock in my room. Even without the clock, I have a very good sense of time.

But sometimes, when I am watching an interesting movie, doing something absorbing on the phone, etc. – I lose track of time.

There have been instances when I have not peed for 3 – 3½ hours.

The moment I am out of that trance, I realise the time and I have to uncontrollably go.

Yes I have tried to forget about time, ignore it, so on. It’s like that story where we should not think about monkeys while taking some medicine for it to be effective. Just doesn’t work.

Artificially trying to do it won’t cut it. It has to happen naturally.

So will the abdominal exercises work? even if it strengthens the muscles, how to strengthen the mind?

Or are the exercises a placebo to cheat the mind…..?
12/24/21, 10:37 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: This thought was triggered by a conversation I had with my wife. To be accurate, a conversation my wife had with me.

I had made a video – a sort of collage of photos for my daughter’s birthday. It was a fun video.

However, making it took a while. Except for the last 3 years, I have a very very huge archive of photos. So I looked through every one of them over many many days, selecting and shortlisting them.

During all those days, It brought back memories of all those times all those years. The memories evoked all kinds of emotions – Joy, happiness, sadness, deep sense of loss, etc.

Dealing with those emotions and feelings took more time than seeing and shortlisting the photos.

We humans have evolved over millions of years. How and why are debatable, but the debate of millions of years has been put to rest.

It has been about 200 years since photography was invented and a little over a hundred years for the video. A couple of thousand years of getting portraits painted before that (although that can’t be really counted – took days of posing. Nothing natural or candid).

Seeing something through someone else’s eyes and experience the instant without being there ourselves was no less than a miracle.

It’s a very very recent ability to be able to see something again in life.
The past we experienced was left in the past earlier. Any amount we could bring up in emotions and feelings of the past was limited to what we could hold on to in our memories.

Our memories are boundless and yet very limited. It probably helped us to move on faster from things.

How has this impacted our minds and emotions though? We probably have limited evolutionary design to cope with external memories – to support seeing things again, to revisit emotions and feelings over and over again

There are undoubtedly several advantages. Especially, being able to share a moment with another (like in my case – I don’t get to experience anything if I don’t see)

But can we handle it?

Or is it one more of the things we have done that is great on the face of it without understanding the full consequences?

It is good for the human in particular no doubt, but is it good for humanity in general.?

I was seeing a series (by Will Smith – nature related by National geographic)

In one of the episodes, he covers sounds which we cannot hear from our ears but we can feel them. He struggles to discern it, but his companion, a blind person, is in his element with it. Our ability to sense by feeling has been diminished because of all the things we have around us.

Many of it is natural evolution, but not everything.

Only recently, it was very common to remember several phone numbers.

Then the gadgets came.

Now we struggle remember even 1. If we remember our own number – it’s great.

Our memory retention capacity got diminished by our own creation.

When we behold a great sight, we don’t see it and absorb it. We mostly whip out our phone or camera.

If we didn’t have photos/ videos, would we see better? Would we observe things better? Would we recall better?

What other faculties might we have evolved ourselves out of inadvertently…?
12/24/21, 9:18 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I watch mostly news, TED talks, cooking videos on YouTube.

I watch action and thriller/suspense inclined movies on Netflix, Prime, Disney, etc.

I buy and browse certain types of things on Amazon, Myntra,etc

I don’t go to other SM sites like FB, Insta, Twitter, TicToc etc., But I am fairly certain it is the same.

They all know me well enough to dish out a curated list of anything just for me..

If I could eat, by now they would know my likes, dislikes and dietary preferences better than me by now.

If I dare stray away, I am chaperoned back by Google.

And they are doing their best to help in a way, so as to navigate through the clutter and get to where I most likely will go anyway.

As this curation gets better, I get faster in doing what I want to do, quicker in making up my mind, smarter with what I know, etc.

The “algorithms” don’t really know me. They are helping my mind focus on things quicker, better, smarter, etc.

Yual Noah Harrari predicts these algorithms to be the one of the next very big disruptors

They know who I am better than me.

But that is not who I want to remain.

I want to watch and know other interesting things. I want to watch other genres. I want to know more about other things I don’t know of.

I don’t want to become a specialist at anything.

I want to remain a Generalist forever.

So help me algorithms…
12/25/21, 10:57 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I recently was chatting with someone and the saying “when you are given lemons, make lemonade” came up.

There are probably many similar meaning memes floating around somewhere in the net.

It’s nice , but a bit abstract to relate to for me.

From sometime back – I don’t exactly know from when, I have developed a kind of Parallel approach. Similar – not same.

I can vouch for it though.

_________________________

When life throws a curve ball (and it will),

And we don’t know how to react to it yet,

Laugh!

It is best to laugh at it first. Laugh at the circumstances, laugh at yourself…

Most of the scenarios, resulting consequences, etc. play out only in the mind.

It takes some time for the dust to settle down, to be able to see the situation clearly and understand the real consequences, so that we can have a considered response after.

Meanwhile, we can amuse ourselves and be entertained ourselves at least…
12/26/21, 9:29 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: This was another thought triggered by a conversation my wife recently had with me. (She was just complaining yesterday she Is very weary of speaking in front of me – lest I write something about it. Boy I am going to hear about this. Or not hear about it – to be on the safer side).

I have heard in many places how we can manage to cater to 9.x billion lives by 2050. We are already 7.x billion and struggling, stretching all resources and destroying our planet. Blah, blah, blah, “Climate change”, blah, blah, blah….

Really? “Our” planet?

I don’t know the actual numbers, but I am guessing, there are some

Trillions of animals.
Trillions of birds.
Trillions of insects.
Trillions of worms.
Trillions of fish and aquatic beings.
Etc. Etc.

And that is only things that can move about.

If we include immobile stuff, there are trillions and trillions of shrubs, plants, trees, etc.

Humans are in such insignificant numbers, we don’t even are a relevant percentage.

I know there are a lot of philosophies out there which argue human life is the most precious thing and is on top of the ladder.

But those are human philosophies as well…

I am guessing, the planet’s philosophy will be more like “a life is a life is a life”.

Why will she try to conserve the most insignificant of species, that is the most disrupting of them all?

And “Save our planet” slogans…
What a joke!

She has made it for millions and millions of years with or without us all the same…

What we are really saying is “Save us from Us” otherwise she will just go ahead without us…
12/26/21, 10:43 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: Indeed. We don’t matter. For that matter, nothing does for time passes always.
12/26/21, 10:45 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: If you have Mubi app you may like to see ” the diving bell and the butterfly “… On some one with Locked in Syndrome….
12/26/21, 10:45 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: ????
12/26/21, 10:49 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I don’t have mubi. Will try somewhere else
12/26/21, 12:39 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: https://novel122.com/245945-project-hail-mary.html

If sci fi interests you, you might like this. Pretty wide canvas. Just started reading it. My son liked it.
12/26/21, 12:48 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: ??
I shall read through
12/26/21, 1:14 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: When I think of everything, and do a rough mental math – I cannot do roughly 96% of the things generally done by folks everyday.

But there are 4% of the things I am able to do.

Browsing and reading things I want to.

Using WhatsApp and email to write stuff I want to express and communicate with others.

Put on the TV and see what I feel like seeing.

Browsing and buying stuff I feel like.

Etc., Etc.

A short while back, I could do none of those things…

Mind and Memory continuously conspire to make me forget the treacherous past and lose focus on the things going well to make the future miserable.

“Glass half empty v/s being half full” is a saying I have come across countless times in all situations in my life earlier.

Understanding the words is very different from comprehending and appreciating it experientially…
12/27/21, 10:17 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: When I had the stroke, after I could realise what was happening, I found the doctors come every morning and pinch me or create some pain/ discomfort at various places and ask me if could feel it.

These were days I could move only the eyes vertically . Couldn’t even move them sideways. I was instructed to “look up” for ‘yes’ and “look down” for ‘no’. So there was a lots of looking up.

Unfortunately, there was no follow up question “does it pain”. So I was easy game every morning.

Also, the limited vocabulary didn’t allow me to give a full response.

The actual response would have been – “yes”, “but it doesn’t feel the same way as earlier. I can feel when you touch me. But I can’t feel the pressure. The touch at the skin level doesn’t feel like it used to. If we fall asleep on the hand, and wake up, the hand is numb. If someone touches us, we can feel. But it is a wierd feeling. That’s how it feels”

But I could only “look up”.

That was the in the beginning. I have felt very weirdly ever since – in various places in various intensities. even now.

Is the “skin” damaged? Looks fine. I just don’t feel the same touch the same way as others.

The smell has been very poor. I have some sense of smell but far from how it was.

The first time I realised I could not smell was when they did a diaper change after giving enema. They had to crack up the fan, wear a mask, and looked very troubled.
But I could not smell anything.

Some smells, mildly, I get now. Still very far from what it was.

Nothing wrong with the nostrils, but I smell different.

I can’t taste much. There are very limited things anyway as I can’t eat anything.

But I know because they give me mouth care everyday. A reasonably strong mouthwash along with salt is used. But I taste nothing much. A little bit of the mouthwash and no salt.

Nothing is wrong with the tongue (taste buds to be precise). But I taste different.

The left ear is ok, the right one hears all weird things. For a long time, it heard nothing.

Nothing wrong with the ear or the listening apparatus, but I hear different.

The left eye is rotting for a different reason. But the right eye plays its tricks..

I realised very recently (when we patched up the left side for a check up, that i was still having double vision. With 1 eye, I was seeing 2! In fact, that day, when it was checked and dilated, I was distinctly seeing 3 images – with 1 eye!

When I change my gaze, things come into focus very slowly. I think that is because even though the sight (optic nerve) goes directly to the brain, the lens expansion/ contraction to focus, is done by the peripheral nervous system – which is fried.

Nothing wrong with the eye (usual power complaint), but I see different.

While we have many other perceptions, it is generally accepted that we sense everything with these 5 senses.

As I said above, all the 5 sense organs are intact.

What the brain puts together is very different.

The mind interprets after that, makes some additions, some deletions, adds a transformation layer and makes up the perception of the world.

Each of us, because we are the same species, have evolved the same way, have similar senses, similarly interpreting brains and similar minds and hence perceive the world similarly.

That is how one can agree with another. When one points at something and says it is Red, the other perceives similarly and agrees.

But if we put a colour blind person and a regular person in a room, and they both don’t know about the colour blindness, it is impossible to get either of them to concede – because both are very correct.

That is only sight. The same applies to all the senses.

If someone has a differently functioning sense organ, or a differently functioning brain or a differently functioning mind – they look physically similar but are in an altogether different world.

We understand how most animals perceive the world.
We know how their sense organs are built and we can reasonably predict how they probably sense.

We know how their brains are built and we have a relative estimate of what it must be interpreting/ putting together.

But how are they perceiving the world through their minds??

in comparison with many animals, We (humans) have a reasonably weak body, a very limited and diminished set of senses. A very powerful brain and what we assume to be a very powerful mind.

What if some animal brains are lesser in comparison but they have a superior mind.

What if they share the same physical planet but live in a completely different world.

We assume what they perceive, but what if they are laughing at us saying “ya right! Like you folks would know”…
12/27/21, 9:31 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Disclaimer:

This is a controversial note.

I am definitely neither for or against anything or anyone. I am not doing ‘activism’ on behalf of anyone either.

It is just a thought that came when I was watching something, so I put it down.

I apologise if any sentiment is offended for anyone.
____________________________________

For nature to propagate, Nature probably randomly created the female of the species.

And the male was needed (equally randomly I guess) to complete the job.

Not “A” male but “Any” male.
Some males end up as a meal after..

So what is marriage?

I am guessing it is just an unwritten contact between two individuals driven by some sentiment towards each other.
If that sentiment ends, the contact is voided and marriage ends.

Very few other species experience that sentiment and stay together.

I am guessing, as bigger groups of individuals started staying together, these individual contracts morphed into social contracts.

As societies became large, the unwritten business was hard to uniformly interpret, so it was written down.

That became the Law of the land.

The flow was from individuals to society to Law. Not the other way around.

So I would assume, if the individuals are comfortable with each other (anybody), and groups of individuals as a society are comfortable, then it should naturally become the law no?

Why is it flowing backwards? Why is the law dictating things back to society and to individuals in many places?

Why is relationship/ marriage acceptable between some individuals and not others??

Also, another related thought:

The close relatives of each other’s spouses, after marriage, they are referred to as F “in law”, M “in law”, so on…

I don’t know what the laws state, but the tag subconsciously suggests, it is enforced by the law.

We know the subconscious influences everything we think and feel.

Will relationships get better if the “in law” tag is dropped or will it make no difference?

Also,

when two individuals marry, there is no blood relationship involved. (Doesn’t mean that the sentiment is different or doesn’t exist).

If they choose to have children, then the blood relationship emerges between them.

Is the “in law” tag even relevant after?…
12/28/21, 7:26 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: Just to clarify…a wife is not a blood relation but a legal one. A child, siblings, parents are blood relations. The ‘ in-law’ is indeed a relation imposed by law. All of these have different consequences in various matters, including inheritance etc.
For quite awhile, wife was the chattel – property – of the husband, though that has changed in most legal systems now.
Law evolves as will of the majority, probably to maximum benefit. Once settled, it is used to control / punish deviations. Else there will be no certainty and anarchy instead.
12/28/21, 8:00 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Makes sense. Thank you hardeepji
12/28/21, 10:51 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I have sometimes wondered, wouldn’t it have been great if only some of the therapies we tried initially worked – like accupunture, sujok, some Ayurvedic medicines, miracle waters, miracle oils, etc.

I have also come across some other therapy or treatment and wondered would it have helped recovery faster.

And I have wondered if there was some other treatment, therapy or miracle that we never came across that would have done the trick and hastened the process.

Over a long period, I have realised it would have been futile.

Every one of them (i think), either worked on some targeted part, the brain or the entire thing – all body.

However, the mind was not yet ready or prepared.

I don’t think any of it would have worked.

And I don’t think I could have hurried it along as well.

It had to go through everything it went through to be here today.

I don’t know if it has reached a point of preparedness to stop crawling, start to walk, walk faster, jog, run or sprint. But it has to do what it has to do.

I feel like I am just a spectator to the event and all I can do is be a good spectator.

Initially, I was not even interested in turning up for the event.

Then I would be a disinterested chap on the sidelines.

After a long while, watching the event everyday, got me somehow interested.

Now, I find myself cheering for the player.

The player still needs to follow the rules, play on it’s own and complete the event.

But he has got another cheering spectator.

It’s a very strange event too. There are no other new players.

Every day, the player has to turn up, and play against yesterday’s version of himself.

The player of today – the one I am rooting for, may not always be the winner, but he turns up tomorrow again.

And it is so much more fun, like anything else, to be involved and have fun at the event…
12/29/21, 10:58 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: https://interestingengineering.com/a-62-year-old-paralyzed-man-sent-out-his-first-tweet-with-brain-chip

BCIs… interesting times ahead…
12/29/21, 11:05 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Some days, I feel very sleepy. Not the garden variety, it’s the variety of “Tom” of “Tom and Jerry” fame struggling to keep his eyelids open and doesn’t succeed even by propping them with matchsticks.

It has no apparent reason – I won’t be tired/ fatigued, I won’t be unwell, I would have slept well prev night, no new routine, no change in diet, no nothing…

I may be force-correlating, but I have noticed that soon after (next day types), either I have gained some new ability or lost something. Not any big things, very small, almost unnoticeable stuff.

I think it is the brain doing some heavy lifting and wants to shut down everything else. To “hibernate” or run everything else in “power saving mode”

I remember when I would get such urges before, I used to shake myself, wash my face, have a coffee, do something and go on…

There must have been many times that the brain wanted to do something – and I never gave it a chance to…
12/29/21, 11:08 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Super stuff!
12/30/21, 2:50 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: When I am trying to voice, my nurses will say “try louder”.

When I try to blow the candle, “blow harder, try harder”.

When I try to speak, “swallow and clear the throat”.

When I sit, it will be “sit straighter”.

Etc. Etc.

No, I am not complaining. It’s not like they are ordering me, they say it gently and I know they are only encouraging me.

But I often wonder,

What is it that we feel one is “willfully underperforming” first, as against feeling maybe it is “inability to perform”.

What would be assumed as one’s incentive to do so?
12/31/21, 12:55 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: My Physiotherapist does a particular stretch everyday.

He holds my right leg on his right shoulder, holds the knee with his left hand – so that the leg doesn’t bend, holds the foot with his right and presses the leg down.

Releases it and repeats is few times.

If I had voice, the neighbours would have surely complained!

It stretches the hamstring, calf, achele’s tendon and presses the hip down to the bed (it’s a bit out of place)

It is not a new routine. From my recollection, he has been doing it for last 1.5 years at least.

For the initial many months, I could feel nothing. I used to be distracted with some other thoughts while he went about it. I used to be watching the process like a mannequin’s leg being worked on.

Now, when he gets to that part (yes, there is a complete pattern everyday), I keep telling myself to relax, but the mind goes bonkers.

So what is this pain?

It is the same leg, same muscles and same stretch.

The reason is straight forward – the neurons were unable to transmit the pain impulses to the brain earlier and it was not paining.

But it is also very telling that the pain only is in the mind. Everything else is the same.

Of course, if there is some sort of external damage – like a bruise, rupture, burn, fracture etc., I am sure the scenario is very different.

Few months back, I had a very unbearable pain under the foot of my right leg in the night. I even thought I stood on some burning embers. I really am not sure if I dreamt it or imagined it while awake.

The next day, there was a red patch where it felt like it burnt. No other damage to the foot, but a distinct red patch like it was subjected to intense heat. This I am sure of because I asked the nurse to take a photo. (I had the thought of photographing it 2 days later – some of it was still there).

In some cases, the body was telling the brain to feel pain and in other cases the mind feeling pain was using the brain to reflect it in the body.

This is not a new revelation, but a very good representation to me about pain and other long term and chronic pain and illness and the mind’s role in them. (Other than external caused ones)

The simplest I can think of is headache – I think it might be a reflection of the mind being troubled with something.

I would think it might be the same case for things like recurring back pains, shoulder pains, any other part of the body basically.

What about stuff when we find an underlying cause – not external but some sort of internal degeneration? Well, me thinks it is still the mind causing it on account of some repeated/ ongoing discomfort.

These are physically distinguishable parts. What about whole of body issues/ imbalances like BP, hormonal issues etc….?

The mind and what we we subject it to might be the main/ underlying cause…?
12/31/21, 2:51 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Great job with the newsletter Hardeep ji. Not because my note is present but it has come out very well.
Very nice and inspiring write up by Shailaja and Jennifer.
??????
12/31/21, 3:01 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Hi

I am attaching the newsletter for January of the Stroke support group that I am part of.

It is a group comprising Stroke survivors, care givers/ family members, professionals (doctors, therapists, etc) and anybody who wishes to be informed/involved.

There are many useful resources and information on https://strokesupport.in

If you or anyone else wishes to join; you can through https://strokesupport.in/connect
or send a mail to: [email protected]
12/31/21, 3:02 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: <Media omitted>
1640942343600_Newsletter – January 2022_min.pdf
12/31/21, 7:46 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: ??????????
1/1/22, 12:24 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Dear Hardeep ji

Wish you and your loved ones a very Happy New year!

Have a Wonderful, Healthy and Safe year in 2022…

Have a good one…
1/2/22, 11:18 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Thank you Hardeep ji. I am liking it ??
1/2/22, 1:24 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: You may have heard of the “touch-me-not” plant. It’s fun to play with it.

I have recently discovered how the “touch-me-not” plant feels – well some of it.

If anyone tries to move my right leg or hand, it will stiffen up and resist it. The faster (rather more sudden) the movement, the harder it will tighten up and put up a fight.

Very hard to straighten the hand or fold the leg. They will be lying flaccid all the time. Makes me wonder where do the muscles get that strength from.

After a few seconds, it loosens. One has to move it slowly and gradually. Quick movements and it’s back on it’s guard.

Touch is also funny. If it is touched/ held firmly , it will accept. But a light touch – like a feather touch – it will shrivel and tighten up.

I know it is reflexes. The spine is doing it not the brain/ mind. It’s like it has a will of its own.

Even though it is the spine, it really is the brain right. I mean, if we pull out the brain awhole, I am assuming the spinal chord will come out too. I am assuming it it still the brain just the elongated portion (like a comet and its tail).

In this case, a part of the brain is disconnected from the main thinking part, so it thinks autonomously.

Where it is connected, it listens to the mind (wait – is that why a dog wags its tail to reflect what it is feeling ?.)

For now, my body acts like a lizard’s tail when cur off ?…

The worst is the mouth. It’s so funny when the nurses brush/ give mouth care. Basically they take small pieces of sterile gauze, hold it with artery scissors (like tongs), dip it in a mix of salt and mouthwash and run it around the mouth scrubbing where they can reach.

I can’t describe how the mouth reacts – it will make very funny movements and the face must be so funny to see.

They will be surprised/ shocked everyday and ask me if it is paining. I have to reassure them everyday it is not. It neither pains nor tickles. It’s a very sensitive feeling that I find hard to describe.

The funniest is when they touch the tongue. It withdraws so immediately and the mouth shuts, I am sure it can give competition to a chameleon catching an insect or a Venus flytrap at its best…
1/2/22, 7:29 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: ??????
1/2/22, 9:53 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I had a day out today.

It had been a very long time since I had gone out like this. Most of my other outings have been short and they invariably end up with a rela pain in the rear.

We went while it was bright and warm.

It was a new ride. Good thing my mom was not behind that wheel. I could sit on her and enjoy the view. I usually get very worked up on these trips. I was relaxed today.

2 of my favourite uncles had come along. One was behind the wheel – where my mom usually sits and the other one was behind somewhere. There was also that guy who is nice to me but doesn’t talk to me or fuss with me like others do. There were also 2 other girls who are nice to me always – but I don’t know who they are.

Until my mom left me and went somewhere for a bit. That was a very anxious time. I was going nuts wondering where she went. She came back shortly and I was very relieved to see her.

We went on. We stopped a short while later at some place. Some guy came too close to the window for my comfort and I yelled at him. I don’t know what happened, mom gave some papers and we went on.

Anyway, we came to some place. I was very glad to stretch my legs. And boy what a wonderful place it was. I have not seen so much open space. I could see so far. It was nice and warm too. Well I wasn’t exactly fully free. Mom still had me tethered. But I felt really free – Running about everywhere – as much as possible.

The ground was soft with so many new things to explore and sniff around. I was having a sensory overload.

That silent guy had brought that contraption on which he sits and gets taken around. He did not get around much. I didn’t worry with what was happening there. I was too preoccupied with my own adventure.

I really wish my sisters had come here along with me today. It would have been so much fun with them running around with me. I don’t know where they were.

Some guys came close again and and I gave them a piece of my mind. I think they got the message. They kept their distance.

I climbed up some stairs. I could get a good view from there. I haven’t seen this far before. It was a great view.

I was parched due to so much anxiety and exploring around. Thankfully I got some water to drink. I was also offered some biscuits – but I was too excited for a bite.

Then the most magical thing happened. That really bright thing that I sometimes get to see on top – turned a bright orange and fell to the ground. It was far away, but it fell down and that was it. I have not seen something like that from home ever.

Anyway, it quickly became dark after and a bit chilly.

We packed ourselves and started back. I had an absolutely thrilling feeling for some time. My mom had the window open for me and I could see everything unobstructed with the wind blowing on my face. It was an amazing feeling.

She closed the window after sometime and I was very tired anyway. I just sat and relaxed.

It took awfully longer to come back than when we went. But I can’t describe the nice feeling to be back home.

I had the most exciting time out but I am also glad to be back home. Back in my territory – my kingdom, with my sisters.

I can guarantee you – I will sleep like a log tonight…
1/2/22, 10:50 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: ?????? day out with a pet ? ?
1/2/22, 10:50 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Yup. My dog.
1/3/22, 11:39 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Leia (my dog) must have told you – I was out yesterday. It was a nice day and a great time.

But not for one of my nurses. She was miserable all through the drive. I felt very sorry for her. It was worse on the way back – took longer and jerkier due to the traffic.

I could empathise very much with her plight. I knew exactly how she might be feeling.

I used to struggle with severe motion sickness earlier. I used to be ok if I was driving. However, any passenger seat was almost a guarantee to bring up everything.

If I didn’t throw up. It usually was because I was drowsy or asleep having OD-ed on avomine (a anti nausia tab). This was also one of the main reasons why I loved the bike and hated anything with four wheels.

This was my big worry when being discharged from the hospital 2 and half years ago. I had not much movements, I couldn’t speak, I had a tube from my throat and I couldn’t sit.

I had to go lying in an ambulance. It was a 1 hour ride across silk board (a well known junction in Bangalore and notorious for it’s traffic jams). I would throw up surely. It would be a miserable time without being able to sit up, without being able to cough with aspirations. I was thinking it is going to be a U turn and back to the hospital.

But nothing happened. It was longer than an hour with a detour. But nothing happened. I was surprised/ shocked with the anti-climax.

After that, I undertook few more trips to the hospital. Both planned and unplanned. Heck I even survived a trip to Mumbai and back.

It was a mystery to me for a long time – until I could weild the phone a little over a year ago and have a discussion with Dr. Google.

I gathered vomit reflex and gag reflex (among other things), are controlled by the brain stem – which is the bit of my brain that got fried the most. That explained it .

So as I go through rehab and recovery, that is one bit I am hoping the brain will not be able to repair ?
1/6/22, 12:07 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Usually for a stroke (or any other sudden trauma/ impact), I have seen the usual course of action is medication followed by some form of physical therapy (physiotherapy, occupational therapy, slp therapy or something else). If the survivor shows any symptoms of depression – the usual recourse is more drugs. Later maybe a psychologist/ psychiatrist is involved.

I feel most of the society is still wary of getting psychologist/ psychiatrist help. Talking about “mental sickness” is still taboo in many parts of the society. (I am not sure why – maybe because there is an unfounded belief that mental illness – all types, is genetic and it may run in the family, so hush, hush).

Anyway, that may end up being the last resort.

We understand someone losing someone close suddenly/ unexpectedly will grieve. Long time/ short time, various coping mechanisms etc.

When somebody has a stroke (or similar), someone closer is lost. They lose a part of themselves. I think it is normal/ natural to grieve. Since coping mechanisms are not easily available/ understood – they are likely to behave differently too. Which means their close ones too lose someone close. The old personality they are used to (even though it is the same person).

The survivor and close ones probably need help and support to cope with this grieving of what is lost and move on with what remains.

I also think the therapies will have better outcomes if the mind and thinking is brought on the rails first. It is very likely to result in better efficacy of medications too (placebos wouldn’t work otherwise)

But who will do this?

In olden days, probably some elders, tribal heads, village heads, religious elders, priests, spiritual leaders etc. would do it.

Every stroke/ traumatic experience is different. Every person is different and every family/ relationship is different. The approach will be different – key being knowing the people well.

I think about 2 decades ago, we lost the concept of “family doctor” – who treated the person and not the symptoms. We know what we have now – specialists for every organ but can do little for the person.

Is that what is missing in society now – some sort of a “family counselor” – who knows not only the person but close ones and relationships. Who is consulted not j5 when things go wrong but knows us well and can guide us all through

I am sure it was lost long back, but is that what is needed to heal the society we have created in a hurry…
1/6/22, 9:52 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I was seeing something on tv – how common “plant based meat” is becoming.

Burger King and KFC are ready to launch plant based “chicken nuggets”, “beef burger” etc.

I was scratching my head (in my head).

What is “plant based meat” ?

Don’t get me wrong, I am familiar with the science. I have no confusion with it. Nor am I for/ against it.

I understand “lab grown meat” so we can distinguish natural animal sourced vs a blob from the lab.

But why are we shying from calling a “Spade” a “Spade”.

Plant based is “plant” and animal based is “meat” has been my understanding.

Or are we trying to con the society again…
1/7/22, 10:13 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Most of the time, when we have to make a decision/ choice, we do a quick mental calculation. Different parameters are taken into account, weightage assigned and a weighted score is calculated to help us make the decision.

Of course none of it is done mathematically, but that is basically what happens in various other terms in the mind. If we interrogate the mind later – the constituents will come out.

But sometimes, against this mental mathematics, we want to do something else.

We often say we listened to the heart or the gut or plainly – “it just feels right”

What is this “feeling”?

I think it has nothing to do with the “heart” or “gut” or any other organs. They don’t speak to us.

I think it is our subconscious mind telling our consciousness mind what to do. Very likely, it is doing a similar computation taking into factor many earlier experiences and other’s experiences, etc.

Since we can’t quiz the subconscious mind using our conscious mind, we pin it on the most convenient organ.

It’s like decisions made by AI/algorithms. If we have confidence in the logic, we will know the decision is correct. Even if the constituent data and decisions are given, it is likely to be too much and too complex for us to understand. We just know it has to be right.

So next time some organ is trying to tell us something, it’s probably worth heeding…

Who knows, it might even be the subconscious showing us the part that will most likely bear the brunt of the decision if we don’t listen to it…
1/8/22, 12:30 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Everyday I stand for sometime with the standing frame.

When my physiotherapist comes, he makes me walk a bit with the frame.

Some days he puts my leg in a knee brace (so it doesn’t buckle), the ankle in a AFO brace (so it is supported and does not twist) and he makes me do the same walk.

He holds me by the side, my left arm around his neck, right arm in a sling around my neck and lifts my right hip every other stride so I can try and drag the right foot forward a little.

It is anyway impossible if the hip is not lifted by him.

I wonder everytime, what is that bloody leg made out of. Concrete, iron, something heavier – gold maybe.

Some days, we get even more adventurous. He makes me stand, right leg fully braced up and he lets go. His both hands few centimetres away and the nurses close by , waiting for the catch. Brief periods – to see if the body can balance.

Earlier, before the stroke, standing was taken for granted. There was millions of years of evolution supporting the body.

Now, since all that benefit has been erased, and very few muscles are awake (I don’t think full muscles, few strands from muscle groups), and whatever has just woken up is still drowsy with some kind of a hangover, I can make out where all it is constantly contracting and relaxing as the body is swaying about.

It is constant and realtime. Impossible to even consciously recognise everywhere at the same time. It is like having a complex control system with accelerometers and gyros in every muscle with real time feedback systems.

I am amazed at what I experience. No words can describe the feeling of reverence to the brain and subconscious for doing this every waking moment.

And do you know what else I have developed immense regard for – without which it would be impossible for me to balance/ stand.

It’s the toes. The big one especially. I just can’t highlight enough the job it does constantly tightening and loosening to maintain balance.

All left leg of course, the right one is still made of gold. My physiotherapist (my reverse alchemist) is doing his job for a while. No breakthroughs to report yet…
1/10/22, 11:01 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: My earliest memories of deep craving was just after the stroke in the hospital. It was peak summer and a very hot. (Not that I could feel any heat but by how everybody was reacting and talking about it).

I was struggling to even swallow a couple of drops when everyone was glugging down bottles of water.

I was parched. They used to give a bottle with every feed. It used to be neatly stacked on the table in front.

I now know I was not feeling thirsty. I haven’t felt thirsty in 3 years. Thre is no feelings in my throat. It was just the mind’s craving to want to drink water.

I haven’t felt that craving for food. Maybe because everyone was careful that I don’t see it. I could hear description of foods from the eateries around and what was swiggyed etc. But I didn’t feel that craving as could neither see or smell anything.

Now, I have numbed the mind to water and sight of foods enough and I don’t feel anything.

However some strong smells I can get when I am sitting outside on the wheelchair close to the kitchen (we have an open kitchen).

Most strong smells I have become reasonably immune to – like coffee brewing, etc.

The one smell that gets to me, everytime, no matter how much I try to ignore – is Maggie (masala tastemaker)

Probably because it doesn’t only bring up the recollection of the food but is also associated with many times from childhood.

Definitely proves the marketing ploy – get them hooked young and they will struggle to get over it after…
1/12/22, 3:27 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Was trying to define a stroke in layman terms. Is this accurate Hardeep ji??
1/12/22, 3:30 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Just like all organs and parts of the body, the brain too needs blood supply constantly for oxygen/ nutrition. In fact, it takes the lion’s share of blood supply to carry on.

Sometimes, this supply is stopped because of 2 primary reasons:

1. An artery/ blood vessel breaks because of an injury or other reasons and the blood does not reach the intended place.

2. A blood clot obstructs the flow of blood to the intended region. The clot can form gradually in the brain or is formed somewhere else, gets dislodged and moves to the brain.

Each of these have many variations, causes, impacts so on and have many names – but essentially the 2 causes.

What’s common between them is the cutting off of blood supply. Since every cell/ tissue of the body/ brain needs constant flow of blood for oxygen and nutrients, the cells/ tissues either become weak or die – depending on how long the deprivation lasted before medical intervention.

Depending on which part of the brain is impacted, so will the corresponding function get impacted. Eg., consciousness, rational thinking, memory, speech, language, music, motor functions, automatic functions like – heart, respiration, swallowing, etc.

It goes without saying, the sooner one gets medical attention, the better the chances of recovery of that function – rehabilitation of weak tissues vs dead ones.

Also, while some conditions like high BP may increase the risk, it is common for healthy folks of all ages to experience stroke. One of the main causes for prolonged suffering is not the stroke itself, but the failure to recognise the symptoms and give timely attention.
1/13/22, 9:33 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: With the Omicron version spreading like wildfire, I have started getting renewed requests/ advice to get myself vaccinated.

I am scratching my head.

I don’t get it.There is no vaccine that can prevent me getting infected. So what is the point?

Sure, I will likely have milder infection/ symptoms.

I am again scratching my head.

What are the symptoms? Fever, sore throat, cough & body ache I gather.

Fever – well, the body still does not know how to regulate temperature. At the same time, I am used to feeling warm on the forehead, hot around the neck, normal at the armpits and freezing at the palms – good luck finding a fever.

Sore throat – it has been 3 years since I have had any feeling in the throat. The virus can make it it’s personal sandpit, no chance it will feel sore.

Cough – well the cough is a consequence of the irritation in the throat. So…
Anyway I create enough cough throughout the day without external help.

Body ache – joints ache actually. I struggle to feel even muscular pain, joints are a far shot.

So I am left scratching my head.

Vaccination?

My brain has become immune to the body. The virus will struggle to get even noticed by the brain!
1/14/22, 9:34 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: I think this is a fair description. Instead of ‘ it is common for healthy folks’. I’d say ‘ many healthy folks’ ‘ ….no clear data for that aspect…
1/14/22, 9:39 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: Subjective, in your case the symptoms may not be easily noticeable which may increase the severity before it is noticed. Otoh, omicron is supposedly milder and most around you maybe vaccinated by now. But then many are getting reinfected, except milder if vaccinated. I’d go by my doctor’s advice…
1/14/22, 10:41 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: ??
1/14/22, 10:42 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: ?? thank you Hardeep ji
1/14/22, 11:24 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I imagine a jigsaw puzzle. With every piece a different shape. They don’t dit well. The whole picture is unintelligible. Too many gaps/ holes.

Then I imagine a different jigsaw puzzle, where every piece is still a different shape. But this one is flexible. Every shape can expand or contract a little bit, based on the adjacent pieces, without changing the original shape/ form too much…

Then the big picture emerges…

Its fantastic!!!
1/15/22, 9:59 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I have always been a “man of few words”. My mind saw in pictures. When someone described something, it first converted itself into a picture/ a diagram/ some sort of depiction in my mind so I could understand better. When someone asked me to explain something, I would ask for a paper and pen so I could draw something. At work, the whiteboard and marker were my best friends. I was also particularly good with imagining things in 3D. It’s probably why I loved ‘Engineering Drawing’ when most hated it.

“A picture spoke a thousand words” to me.

And then the stroke happened.

And I was left with only the “thousand words”…

I struggled to befriend it.

In the early days, it was an impossible thing. Everything in my head was pictures – and I had to translate them into words. Not just words, but very short and simple words – with the morse code first and the printed keyboard after. I had to be very frugal with words. It was a nightmare. I hated it.

Then slowly I realised there is no other way out. I had to befriend them if I had to survive.

So I started flirting with it. This was when I could just start typing on the phone and WhatsApp.

I had to be still brief – owing to my constraints and weakness in the fingers.

So I started experimenting with a sort of “precise writing”. Everything was “how do I say this with fewer words”.

Then I got better with finger strength.

So I started with trying different words to say the same thing and experiment with what conveys the same thing better. I started trying different word structures like using different points of view, metaphors, etc.

I guess the flirting turned into a love affair slowly.

Mind you, I haven’t increased my vocabulary or grammar etc.

Now, when I am amidst conversations when folks visit etc, I find myself constantly saying in my head – “that’s not the right word, it doesn’t convey the right meaning” or “that’s not the right set of words, it doesn’t convey the correct feeling/ emotion” etc.

I guess the love affair is cemented with marriage…
1/15/22, 11:39 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: ?? and you are a great wordsmith now, no doubt .
1/15/22, 11:59 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Thank you hardeep ji ??
1/16/22, 8:48 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: Thinking of putting in April news letter…fine with you, I hope ?
1/16/22, 9:08 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: ?? if you feel it will be useful Hardeep ji, you can use any of the stuff I send to you ??
1/16/22, 11:03 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: From the last 1 year, I have been able to select what I see. Initially it was a lot of entertainment (Netflix, prime,etc) and now a lot more things on YouTube that are interesting/ informative. I guess I have got bored with entertainment and have realised while it is very enjoyable, it is basically a waste of my life.

I don’t want to pretend like my mind doesn’t need the distraction/ entertainment. I do indulge every now and then, but I have cut it down a lot.

Of course, when I am not watching any of that, I have the news playing. Any news will do. I do so – so the TV creates noise and keeps my company. I don’t have to pay attention to it, it just screams uninterrupted. I can do something else…

What I have realised (it is well known, but difficult to appreciate) is that there is no end to knowing anything. I just have to get interested in some topic/ information and it opens up a different rabbit hole. A whole new world I didn’t know existed.

And this is just with YouTube and TED, etc. I am sure if I could read, it would unearth more different worlds as well.

For the past year or so, I have become more informed, more knowledgeable, but have I become any more intelligent than before?

I don’t think all of it has made an iota of difference to it.

I was reasonably knowledgeable, now I am more knowledgeable. I can compare myself with someone else and say whether I am more or less knowledgeable. But there is no absolute knowledgeable.

It got me thinking, what is intelligence?

I frankly don’t know.

I think perhaps it is how one understands/ assimilates a situation, how one approaches and breaks down a problem, how one structures the approach, how one can make decisions, how one can sort through information and quickly arrive at relevant stuff and quickly discard unwanted stuff, etc.

I will conveniently blame it on age, but I don’t think I have improved any of that.

And this is only thought intelligence. I am quite certain, there is a similar world for emotional intelligence and any other form of intelligence I am unaware of…

Recently, I came to know about the topic my daughter had chosen for her school project.
It is an interesting topic.

I immediately thought about how I can help with it (I have a compelling urge to help some way – given I am unable to be in their lives in an other way). I was rubbing my palms together in my head.

I quickly thought up a list of things she could do, there was so much stuff I could send to her for reading and research, etc.

And then somehow my head parted. I (whatever that is) was having an active conversation with my mind. I was aware of the the conversation and I was telling the mind:

“Hang on a minute. That is your intelligence. That is how you think. That is how you would approach it.”

” Where is the opportunity for her to approach it? Where is the opportunity for her to make decisions? Where is the opportunity to do her own research? Where is the space to find joy in achieving something? Where is the space to make her mistakes and learn from them?”

And that shut up the mind and cuffed the mind’s hands.

I don’t know if I am doing the best thing. I don’t know if it will yield the desired results. Only time will tell…

So I have decided (I don’t know if it is right or wrong. Nor do I have the confidence of being able to stick with it), going forward:

I will not send information voluntarily.
I will try not to help, unless asked for it.
If I can, I will not decide, but will try to give choices and let them decide as far as possible.

This is for children only – with the hope they might improve the intelligence.

Adults are fine. There is very little to try to improve ?
1/17/22, 11:28 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Many folks have said (blessed me) and predicted that I will be able to swallow / eat soon.

I am actually terrified of the idea. Very very terrified…

Don’t get me wrong, I would love it if I started eating. But there is no fairy ~godmother~ godperson who will swoosh their wand and I will start eating after.

I get up at 8:00am. I could wake up sooner, but that is when I am brought up from the sleeping position. It takes about 10 mins to remove the afo braces , the knee brace (need both in the night to stop the leg from doing it’s own thing at night and make it uncomfortable), then remove the socks. Pull me up the bed (I will have slid down in the night. Remove the sweater (which is no easy job to do with a limp body).

After that is feed.

Then is wipe the face with warm water, comb the hair, apply lip balm, etc.
Basically make me presentable.
All this takes about 20 minutes.

My physiotherapist comes anytime between 8:30 and 8:45am. Sometimes even becomes 9:00am.

The physiotherapy session will go on till 10:00 – 10:15am
But standing with the frame is the last thing we do and I continue to stand till 10:30am.

10:30am is feed and I have to get back to the bed and sitting position. Lying on the bed upright actually.

11:30am is sponge bath.

The time between 10:30 – 11:30am is unpredictable.

Sometime inbetween I get a mouth care (20mins usually)

Every 2-3 days, I also get a shave (typically 20 – 25 mins)

The sponge bath goes on from 11:30 – 12:30pm (and also why I am frustrated with the process and speed). (I am trying to get some time back).

12:30pm is feed.

1:00pm I do the bedside sitting.
1:30pm I do standing again with the stand.
2:00pm I do exercises with the sling ( for the right leg and right hand). About 15 – 20 minutes.

2:30pm is feed.

3:00pm is the bout (afternoon oral feed). I last about 15 – 20mins everyday, battling against about 6-10 spoons.

The after match recovery takes ~ half an hour (coughing, struggling,etc)
3:45pm is nebulization. Takes 10 min.

At 4:00pm I move to the wheelchair.
Typically doing exercises for the left hand, left leg, neck, face etc. It’s not a lot but takes 2 hours for me with breaks inbetween.

At 6:00pm I do the breathing exercises routine (respirometer, some whistles, blowing the candle). Usually the drill takes about 20-25 mins)

After that, either I sit watching everyone around or watch some TV with the kids.

I usually move back to bed between 8:00pm – 8:30pm. I could sit out for a little longer, but subsequent activities compel me to shift back by then.

After I shift back, the first thing to do is a change and wipe down fully (I will have definitely wet the diaper by then).
8:30 – 9:15pm typically is the change.

9:30pm is feed.

11:00pm is nebulization again.
11:15pm start the preparation – put on socks, the braces for the legs, sweater (putting it on is harder), pull me up and reposition.

11:30pm is feed

After that is sleep. (After my prayers of course ?)

This routine rarely changes anyday.

I have some time from 8:20am till I start physiotherapy. But since the start time is not predictable, I can’t do anything focussed.

Between 10:30 – 11:30am, I get some time, but very interrupted.

I get ½ hour uninterrupted time from 12:30 – 1:00pm

I again get ½hour from 2:30-3:00pm

I wouldn’t count any minute from 3:00 – 4:00pm?

After all the exercises in the evening – about 6:30 to 8:30pm, I have the phone with me, but I am on the wheelchair with the phone resting on a pillow on my lap, which is needed to support the right hand.
That position is quite hard for typing with the left hand and also, because the phone is nearer and my short sight, I struggle to see anything on it.

Besides, I am sitting outside to be with my family – don’t want to be on the phone if I can avoid it.

Between 9:30 – 11:00pm is solid 1½ hours of uninterrupted me time when I am able to really focus and do anything.

All the pigeon-holes of brief times inbetween, I use to catch up with everyone on WhatsApp. I can’t focus on anything else.

Going by how this body is responding to any therapy, it will take a very very long time to start to learn and strengthen anything.

The last time it did something with the swallowing is in sep-oct-nov of 2020 with intense therapy, using vitalstim (electrical stimulation for the throat muscles) and swallowing sessions at least 4-5 times a day in the hospital.

After nearly 3 months of that, I was managing about 500-600ml a day; with 100-150ml in one session.

I gathered I had to do 300-500ml a day for them to decanulate (remove the trachiostomy tube).

Right now I am able to do 6-10 spoons, and that takes 15-20 minutes.

I know it will be hard. Extremely hard. Lots of effort, aspirations, cough, breathing struggle, etc.

It is a very dark tunnel, but I know I have to go through. There is no other way.

That is not my main nightmare.

Where is the time for it? When do I fit it in?

Experience shows in the peak performance, I needed half an hour for 150ml (less than a glass which is 200ml)

Right now, I am managing my existence because the crew is running the engine – shoveling in the coal from time to time to keep it running.

Suddenly we want the engine to help in shovelling. With the end goal of asking the engine to gather its own coal fully?

That will be taking my “existing” to the next level. Just shuttling from exercising-feeding-hygene stuff.

When the bloody heck do I “Live”?
1/18/22, 11:03 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: This is a phrase I guess most of us have come across in several circumstances : “Maslow’s hierarchy of needs”.

Basically states that we don’t wish/aim for very lofty things when basic things are not met.

I am sure there are many different versions to describe what I have put crudely but essentially meaning the same.

It can be applied to many situations – employees behaviour in the organisation, customer behaviour towards a service/ product, etc.

I recently wrote about my time/ schedule during the day and the struggle to find time to do much else.

I was pondering on what to do so I can fit more activities.

And it led me to think of Maslow’s hierarchy. The way it is usually depicted is like a pyramid and different layers or rungs indicating the needs.

I made a crude translation for that in life:

The bottom most rung would probably have things like – Air, Water, Food, Shelter, Procreation, Clothes/ covering etc.

Next I don’t know, in our time it probably is – healthcare, education, family, friends, some form of economic participation, etc.

On top of that would probably be things like – house, some material luxuries, leisure time/ holiday, fun with friends/ colleagues, etc.

On top of that would be happiness with family, happiness with friends, happiness at work, etc.

On top would be joy with oneself or joy with life/ living or contentment.

I know, I know – it’s a very simplistic model. But you get the general drift.

It’s a pyramid. I guess it was meant to be that way. With the base bigger and things converging to the top.

I am also seeing an inverted pyramid in it – the pyramid of our free mind.

At the base we have no ability to think – as we have the mind fully occupied to worry about basic/ survival needs. That’s a very primitive society.

Then, when the basic things are made easier, the mind has some ability to think of the next needs and so on…

However somewhere along the way, we have inverted both the pyramids in our lives and society.

The basic needs are few and for most of the societies it is taken care of.

As we go up the rungs, we have started to fill the rungs with more and more things (wants), the pyramid actually has started widening as it goes upwards. There is no end – no convergence.

What that also means , is the mind is not free. Thinking all the time how to get things, how to do things, how to manage things,etc.

No space to be free from compulsive thinking. To think but not think about things.

Most of us think we are free from this. But we can’t not do anything usually.

I guess it is like going to a restaurant by oneself. Sure, many of us can do it, but can we do it without taking our phone with us?

I also think it probably is not like meditation – you know, sitting in a quiet calm place with eyes closed. Either thinking/ focussed on one thing or trying to think about nothing.

It is more like being with eyes open, ears open, so on. With all senses fully aware, perceiving and thinking about everything around in that instance and not something else…

After my stroke, I didn’t have to do anything. Sure some therapy here and there. But mostly I did nothing. All basic things were done, I couldn’t do anything else – so I had a lot, a lot of think time. Yes I had a lot of time to worry as well, but since I could do nothing about anything, all I could do is leave it.

Then I could WhatsApp, that was something to do and it occupied space in my mind. What it also meant was when I worried, I could act. Sure, i could only tell my worry and leave it to someone else to deal with it (I am sure it rings a bell, rings lots of bells for my wife)

Then I started doing things. Anything online or course – some shopping, some payments, something/ anything else I could pull off online.

Before my stroke, I was quite involved with a project. I have started involving myself with it – online of course.

But as I start doing more, I am very aware of the reduction of free mind time.

Something I crave for now. Not because I know how it might be, but because I have experienced it earlier.

Am I unhappy doing all this. Definitely not.

Am I happy with everything I am doing? Absolutely yes.

But am I inching towards happiness – I don’t know.

Have we filled up the pyramid with so many things/ wants to fulfill that we can’t fulfill any of it completely and focus on other things.
Have we filled the mind with so much to think that there is no space to not think but really think.

I write this as I pile on more things to do at the same time wishing for more free time to think ??‍♂️
1/19/22, 2:33 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Last couple of days, I have been seeing a bunch of videos/ talks on AI/ Algorithms/ robotics, etc.

Nothing new about most of it…

There is a common underlying thread though – that they will never get better than us, because we have “consciousness” on our side.

Better doesn’t mean intelligent – that they already are. It’s more about having a combination of thought intelligence and emotional intelligence. I guess that is about “consciousness”.

I feel we are taking a lot of credit for “consciousness” when we don’t know what it is. Have also seen many videos and talks on it, where nobody agrees and all we have are some wild theories.

I don’t know if consciousness has to be one type as well. Maybe there are different types. Maybe it will be different for inorganically evolved beings than organically evolved beings.

I think the turning point is not consciousness.

We humans take about 20-25 years to grow up and get knowledgeable.

After that, another 20-25 years to focus on a stream, strive in it, acquire specialized knowledge, acquire experience etc.

After that, a minuscule percentage goes on to contribute for developing – most fields.

The timings are give-or-take, but in general that’s the curve.

After that, I would say 2 decades of contribution to any real progress.

After that we get weak and perish.

There is no one who has been born with all that knowledge, experience, etc – so they can start contributing – as soon as they are born or in any stage of growing up.

Our evolution has ensured, everyone forgets everything and starts with a clean slate.

That is not the case with robotics is it?

The next generation of robotics remembers every bit of everything from the previous generation and everything learnt is put back in the starting point.

There is no growing up as well, a robot is an adult on day-1.

Except, they rely on humans still to create the next generation – and it is slow.

I think the real turning point is when a computer/ robot builds another computer/ robot.

“Build” is not limited to building it – as in manufacture/ assemble. Build means deciding it, designing it and then building it.

That would be the game changer in the evolution. The next generation can arguably be next day – replete with everything the previous generation knew.

Who knows, they will also built “consciousness”.

Not our type, but their type of consciousness…
1/19/22, 5:39 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: AI is of interest to me. Computers are already building others…let me dig something out..and as you say rightly, the learning curve of past experiences is pretty much non-existent there. In fact in a recent symposium, AI itself said only way to be absolutely sure AI will not damage humans is to have none at all….
1/19/22, 5:41 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: https://www.linkedin.com/posts/hsodhi_an-ai-debates-its-own-ethics-at-oxford-union-activity-6878226880483397632-xJCJ
If you are on LinkedIn..
1/19/22, 5:43 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: “We are not smart enough to make AI moral … In the end, I believe that the only way to avoid an AI arms race is to have no AI at all. This will be the ultimate defence against AI.”

https://www.ndtv.com/science/an-ai-debates-its-own-ethics-at-oxford-union-what-it-said-was-startling-2646358
1/19/22, 5:46 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: https://www.bbc.com/news/av/science-environment-33868728

This was in 2015….
1/19/22, 7:03 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Thank you Hardeep ji,
I’ll read through them
1/19/22, 10:38 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Interesting stuff.

I still think the turning point hasn’t come – but probably not too far away either.

When a robotics/AI determines on fully autonomy, that something at its disposal is either not fast enough or strong enough or precise enough and goes ahead to design something better and starts the cycle.
1/23/22, 11:53 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: My TV is not working again.

Well, its playing stuff alright, but the TV is not connecting to the Wi-Fi. So the smart TV has overnight become a dumb display.

I can still watch everything as before as I have an external Chromecast attached and I cast what I want from my phone.

My phone battery is quite bad. I need to charge it a few times during the day. I normally do it when i am unable to have the phone with me – during physio, during change, during afternoon exercises, bath etc. That way I don’t really miss it. The battery performance would have been a concern but I don’t really care as I don’t have to go anywhere with it.

However, this new development is irritating. Sometimes it is close to running out of juice and I have to charge it other times.

It’s not my phone only anymore, it is also the remote for the TV.

It’s absolutely frustrating when something is playing on the TV and we don’t have the remote to change what is playing. Even if dont have to change anything, the urge to want to change what is playing surges. I guess it is just the loss of control…

Mind you, I am still able to watch everything I want – just brief periods inbetween, I can’t change it. I play some news during those times.

When I was in the hospital initially, and I had no ability to communicate or much movements, I was feeling the same way.

The hospital had very few channels, mostly regional content, 2-3 english movie channels and 1-2 sports.

These were days when my vision was blurrier and my double vision was simply unbearable. There were 2 distinct TVs at that distance (probably 12 feet) and they were overlapped. One TV started at the middle of the other, so I couldn’t see much on it. (Probably if it was even worse, there would be no overlap and I could see one of them ?).

So I would be glad when someone put the sports channel (IPL was going on) and even though I don’t follow cricket, I didn’t have to watch and listened to it like a radio commentary.

Most of the time though, folks would put on the english movie channels for me as I loved watching movies. When we only watch 1-2 channels of them, we realise how much they rerun the same movies in a week. I almost could remember entire movie dialogs by heart ?

After a few months we moved back home. I had a dumb TV in the room too and needed someone to cast anything for me. I would ask (rather nod yes) when they said ‘news’. Everyone used to be tired of putting news. We had explored very few things and it was mostly ‘India Today’ or ‘Republic TV’ from hotstar.
The same junk news would be repeating over and over. It used to be tiring. But I preferred that to the alternate frustration.

Those days my hearing was much worse. Well – the hearing itself was probably better (as there was no interference from the right ear) but I just couldn’t handle multiple conversations. The TV would be playing and the nurses would often converse or say something to me or someone else would say something to me so on.. all the conversations would jumble up in my head and become just some random noises.

I had become good at ignoring it generally but it was unbelievably frustrating when a movie or something else was playing. Especially when there is no ability to rewind and watch again. The news was just crap and I didn’t have to follow it.

This was also the time when I was not able to sit on the wheelchair. I would be moved out to the living room (usually from 1:00pm ~ 3:00pm). I would be plonked on the wheelchair as a transfer mechanism and made to sit on the sofa in front of the TV. It would take a good 10 minutes after to make me sit ok, support my hand with pillow, make my back straight by adjusting the cushions, prop my head etc.

The TV in the living room is a smart TV. Connects to the wifi and could play stuff without casting. It opened up new possibilities.

The nurses would not operate the TV though. I am pretty sure it was not technology challenges – they would be on their phones all the time and I would hear references to various social media and apps. ‘pubg’ figured regularly in very animated conversations. I think they were simply wary that something might go wrong and the liability will fall on them.

After being seated on the sofa, my wife usually would ask what I wanted to watch. She would suggest many good movies flicking across them and I would nod yes to something else. Our criteria was different. She was suggesting movies based on content whereas all I was looking for was the content duration. It had to fit within 2 hrs for me to finish viewing and be shifted inside. If it was longer, I couldn’t complete it and mostly the end – the climax was not seen.

While she suggested many good series also, there was a different problem. It auto plays the next episode. If I was in the middle of an episode and got shifted in, I would not know where to start again. I started keeping track of the episode number but it was a big task to communicate next day with nods which one to play from. I have seen several episodes twice. It was easier to watch again than try to say “not this but the next one”. After a while, I got good at rationing and I would stick to 2 episodes a day. They had to switch off the TV so that it doesn’t roll over to the next episode.

These were the good old pre-pandemic days. So the kids would go to school. They wouldn’t be around to help.

Most days (almost everyday), my wife would wait till I am shifted out, put on something for me to watch and then go out for anything (work appointments, home chores,etc.)

This time of the day was very precious to me. The only real entertainment time and I would look forward to it. I would get very upset if that window became short for some reason.

This was in the afternoons, hot most days. The power would go off. We have a backup DG in our apartment – but takes 10-12 seconds to start, switch over and kick in. Enough for the TV to restart and get back to the home screen. So that would be the end for me that day! The nurses would give the remote to my hand. I would struggle to hold it and have no strength in the fingers to press any button. That was even more torturing.

We had one guy, a bold nurse who actually knew the TV and bold enough to operate it also. However, when the power went, the Wi-Fi router would reboot and it takes 4-5 minutes to restart, re-establish connection and broadcast the network. So even though the TV came on, there would be no connection. He would browse around, check various apps, encounter the ‘not connected’ message few times in the first 2-3 minutes , give up and get back to his phone. It was ultra frustrating to sit there, know what was happening and not be able to do anything. All I wanted then, was the ability to somehow indicate “try now” after 5 minutes so I could continue to watch. It was not to be….

Today we have a UPS connected to the wifi and TV. It doesn’t even switch off when there are power failures. I am able to operate the remote or cast anything I want from the phone…

Yet I am able to conveniently forget these wonderful times and complain about what I have today…

I continue to surprise myself…
1/23/22, 6:18 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: ??
Sreekanth it may be a useful exercise if you could document improvement in your condition after stroke. With a timeline if you could recall it. You need not do it in one go, just keep on adding in different messages and maybe after about a month I will compile. Will help and encourage others as well, I am sure…
1/23/22, 6:31 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I’ll try doing it.
Thank you Hardeep ji ??
1/24/22, 10:42 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I have come across many theories of life, karma etc.

One of them is regarding rebirth.

Of course there is a big interlinking with the karma philosophy; but also about desires.

Unfulfilled desires to be specific.

If one has fulfilled all desires in this life and does not desire anything more, then they are closer to a chance at breaking the cycle of rebirth.

Conversely, if one has any unfulfilled desires in this life, that desire is probably a sure shot ticket to rebirth.

Just in case I am late to the platform of the rebirth bus, In the past 3 years, I must have bought a million of those tickets across all buses, trains and planes.

I shouldn’t have trouble getting to the destination.

So please be considerate, kind and gentle towards the planet. I have to come and inherit it….
1/25/22, 9:22 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I was seeing something on news yesterday. I was taken aback.
Did some digging and found more videos and materials

They are working on creating a synthetic womb!

Basically want to have a full fledged environment that can help develop the foetus.

It is meant to give freedom of choice, women, can choose health, career, etc. and equality in all areas.

There are many groups and prominent individuals in favour of the initiative and backing it.

I frankly don’t know if they will be successful with achieving it. But I won’t be surprised if they do as well..

Bearing a child I am sure is not easy. The trouble, the discomfort, the pain, etc. I just cannot fathom it.

But isn’t that the point? I as a male, will never be able to fathom it.

Isn’t that the 1 thing that nature has bestowed upon women to set them apart (elevated in my opinion)?

Sure the society is not very accommodating today, but instead of trying to work on the society, we want to change the woman to accommodate the broken society.

In most other things – like equality in education, equality in franchise, equality at work, etc, it is trying to get a “step up” to become equal. Doesn’t this feel like a “step down” in getting towards equality?

Don’t get me wrong. I certainly understand individual choice. There are many circumstances when a woman chooses to not carry or cannot carry. But why is a choice for the human being pursued as a choice for humanity?

If they do succeed, it will undoubtedly become fashionable as it is bound to be convenient.

I am guessing the “use it or lose it” works for humans and humanity too.

If this is indeed sucessful, I am guessing the next step is working on something like a growth hormone so the foetus becomes a baby sooner.

The world will surely miss the saying “it takes 9 months to make a baby”…
1/27/22, 10:44 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: More I look for what someone is not doing,
More I will find.

More I look for what someone is doing,
More I will find as well.

Same person, same reality.

In the former, I trouble the mind (and the body as a consequence I suppose).

In the latter, I nourish the mind (and the body).

Which line I pursue is upto me, not the mind…
1/28/22, 10:42 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I am sharing this information simply because it is amusing how I had assumed otherwise for so many years and it was eye-opener to me.

Disclaimer: this is a summary in my words based on many things I read in many places. so it may not be absolutely accurate, but I hope it is not incorrect.

Neither am I trying to challenge or disprove anything/ anyone. Just an attempt to share information.
________________________

For many years now, I have subscribed to the thinking that a “full moon” causes many effects on our body – many subtle effects which are not perceptible by many. And why not, we have seen the effect the moon has on the ocean tides – a full moon has to have a bigger effect then.

Well, turns out, since it is only reflected light of the Sun, makes no difference whether it is full or half or new moon. Although the light shines differently everyday, it’s the same moon everyday. Full and whole…

But the moon does have a gravitational impact on the earth – that is what causes tides.

Even though moon’s size is small when compared to the sun (~400 times smaller) and it mass is very small compared to the Sun (about 27million times less), it is still much closer (about 389 times) and has a bigger gravitational pull (about 2.2 times more).

The earth btw is 81 times the mass of the moon. So if the moon had water. There would be only waves there ?

Anyways, here goes (I also want to attempt at some pictures. Let me see):

The point where the moon is on the earth, causes the most gravitational pull and causes a “high tide”.

The point exactly opposite also causes a “high tide”. In short, it is caused by the inertia and the opposing centrifugal force created by the earth to keep the moon in orbit. (This is taken by me as gospel by science as it is too much to understand. That’s just how all celestial bodies behave).

The earth is also subject to the gravitational pull of the Sun. It is lesser in comparison due to the distance. Smaller but not negligible.

It follows simply that the two add up when in the same direction and hence much stronger and when they are in opposite directions it will be lesser as they subtract each other.

Full moon:

During a full moon, the Sun and moon are in almost opposite sides of the earth. While the light is shining bright, the gravitational pull is low because the Sun, earth and moon form a very obtuse angle.

New moon:

On a New moon, the Sun and moon are on the same side and the pull is maximum, even though there is no light. Sun, earth and moon form a very acute angle.

Solar eclipse:

Needless to say, this is the absolute maximum as the Sun, moon and earth are perfectly aligned in a straight line. By default, solar eclipse is a New Moon.

So, contrary to what I thought all along, a full moon does not cause the maximum tides. It is the new moon.

However, it is something that many folks say and also feel differently on a full moon.

Are they all making it up?

I don’t think so. I am sure it is real feeling and true when felt so.

The question is:

Do we feel the way we feel because the body is feeling that way? Or do we feel the way we feel because we know how the body should feel?

In one case, the body is feeling because it is feeling the feeling and the brain is perceiving the feeling.

In the other case, the mind is making the body feel a certain way and the brain is perceiving the feeling.

Since it it is the brain that is perceiving in both cases, both are real and there is probably no way of anyone knowing the difference…

PS: why did I pursue this information – another story, another time
1/28/22, 10:44 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: IMG-20220128-WA0021.jpg (file attached)
Pictures, not to scale and angles are only representative
1/28/22, 10:44 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: IMG-20220128-WA0022.jpg (file attached)
1/28/22, 10:44 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: IMG-20220128-WA0023.jpg (file attached)
1/28/22, 12:09 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: True. One sees what one wants to see….

Reality – as per the Wu Li Masters

Another of my older blogs…not very active presently…you want to write in it occasionally ?
1/28/22, 12:12 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Sorry that went completely above my head ?
1/29/22, 12:40 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I think there was a movie or some documentary made on the “dancing wu li masters”

Interesting
1/29/22, 12:41 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: ? sorry if it was too cryptic
1/29/22, 12:50 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: No worries, I don’t spend much time anyways presently trying to figure anything out…and engineering drawings went above my head – mostly – during my studies too ?
1/29/22, 1:59 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: ???
1/30/22, 10:57 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: This will ~probably~ *certainty* feel like a mad man’s theories. Well, since I am not far from that description, here goes …

I have seen/ observed this from a long time (atleast the last 2 years). Most of them I have noticed but have not managed to connect the dots until now.

I think I have shared earlier, that my faculties/ abilities go back and forth and it is quite unpredictable at a given time.

In the early days after my stroke, when I was still in the hospital, I would get very upset when my left hand/ fingers used to suddenly feel very weak or stop altogether.
It used to be exasperated by my inability to express/ communicate what I was feeling.

It used to be very unnerving as well because everyone (including the doctors) kept telling me that it was not possible to lose an ability once it started working. When what I was experiencing was clearly different.

I understand loosing an ability due to muscle wasting/ atrophy. But that takes place gradually, not overnight like I was experiencing.

Pretty much everything I am observing in this rehabilitation process is doing the same thing – Going back and forth. Different intensities (extent of back and forth – swing) and for different durations of time (frequencies).

I can think of many examples:

* The digestion goes from being ok to upset stomachs often.
* I regularly have had major bouts of constipation and loose motions.
* Strength of the left hand or leg constantly keep swinging back and forth.
* I have had very severe cycles of hiccups and normalcy (a reflection of the diaphragm control I guess)
* I have been at the respirometer for over a year. Some days I am able to do it and many others I struggle
* Some days I am able to move the right leg and other days I can’t
* So on and so forth…

I can give several more examples but you get the general picture.

I have regarded it as random behaviour and not paid attention to it. It is random of course but there is a pattern I recognise.

Everything seems to work for sometime and stop working for sometime. The durations of back and forth keeps reducing. Much like the swing of a pendulum. After it settles at some state then something else does the swing pattern. The same ability/ faculty is revisited later again..

I have like a huge bunch of cables coming down from the brain, and a huge bunch of cables coming up from the spine but they are not connected to each other fully/ properly and have like a mush inbetween.

It’s a special kind of mush though. Every bit of the material (neurons) can conduct but they are not connected to the adjacent neurones. The brain has to determine the optimal way to connect and forge those connections.

However there is no end state that it knows. If it had a blueprint, it would get there straight. Wouldn’t have to swing back and forth to find the path.

Nor does it stop to ask directions from the mind, for the mind also knows the end state and would give straight directions.

It has to connect the dots (literally), see how it feels about it, erase and connect a different set of dots, and so on, settling on something to move on.

Reminds me of a technique we learnt in mathematics – to determine the point of intersection of 2 lines by ” *successive* *approximations* ” – where we keep swinging the values on both sides, reducing the swing each time till we end up at the point.

In this case though, there are too many variables and I feel it can only deal with very few (or one) at a time.
So checks randomly, stops somewhere, fixes that variable for sometime, and moves to the next set (or next one)

Isn’t it a bit like evolution isn’t it?

(I know it’s a wild wild thought and way out there, but stay with me)…

Evolution probably had all its changes by a combination of external forces – natural mutations and artificial selections. Also, it had to cope with all 3 – changing body, changing brain and a resulting changing mind.

So millions of years is understandable.

In this case, the body is done in it’s state, the mind is done in its state, the brain is also largely done, except for the mush bit.

So the brain is doing it’s “tick-tock”. very slowly for me specifically, but extremely extremely fast in general.

For that mush bit of brain, it is ” *Evolution on steroids* ” ?

Is that what neuroplasticity is? All repair, recovery of the brain?

Whatever those wild thoughts may be, I don’t worry much nowadays when the temperature goes up, the saturation comes down, I have loose motions, I feel weak, etc. I used to tell others to not pay attention and get concerned as well, but I have stopped lately. So the thermometer, pulse oximeter, etc keep popping up regularly..

Since it knows no end state, I am anticipating it will stop somewhere it thinks is optimal. I just hope that there will be concurrence with its action with what the body needs and the mind thinks.

Meanwhile, I have accepted something not working just means it is probably on it way to working – Taking a stroll around instead of walking in a straight line that’s all …
1/30/22, 11:21 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: ?? neuroplasticity is brain trying to ‘learn’ new pathways and it can only be via a trial and error, going back and forth process I imagine. Also, perhaps since the memory is weak too, it does not remember the earlier path that was successful and hence the regression occassionally.
I liken it to grooves ..some are very deep from years of use but have a deadend suddenly. The signal traverses this, funds a deadend, tries other paths. The other grooves are only slight yet, so the tendency of the signal to revert to a deadend groove frequently. As the ‘workable’ grooves deepen, the possibility of the signal to try the deadend path should lessen. So keep trying

Also maybe the emotional state of anxiety at a possible regression messes the signals / grooves a lot. See if at that time just relaxing, letting go, and then attempting the motion after some time works ..
1/30/22, 11:28 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0252131

This kind of supports my hypothesis…
1/30/22, 1:25 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Absolutely right. Like grooves.
I can feel the dead ends so often.
1/30/22, 1:26 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Thank you. Will try it.
2/1/22, 2:29 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: On some occasions, I have referred to body, brain, mind etc., and sometimes in 3rd person. Some of you have remarked what it means. So I am trying to clarify. Hopefully it will make sense.

___________________
*Disclaimer* : these are my thoughts and only my blah blah blah…

That’s true but not entirely true.

I watch stuff all the time from philosophers, spiritual folks, science stuff, medical stuff, modern thinkers, etc.
I will be lying through my teeth if I claimed independent and uninfluenced thoughts. I just don’t know how much is my own and who has influenced what.
I can only say, if it resembles somebody else’s views – it probably is. So assume it is that person saying it; in my words (hopefully that is not plagiarised too).
___________________

The way I have experienced these, I think we have the following entities: mind, physical body, energy body, brain, feelings/ emotions.

Why I look at them as separate things, is because one triggers the other and can almost be viewed as master – slave relationship.

The *physical body* we can feel and it’s there – very evident to see.

The *energy body* is there – simply because every atom is mostly energy. Beyond that, I have no argument, etc. But there is a whole world of science and practices around it. So I will leave it at that.

The *brain* exists and is also part of the physical body. But is probably a different faculty. We know it, but we don’t know fully how it works. The body is it’s slave. Everything of the body (including the head) is fully controlled by the brain.

The *mind* exists – the “I think so I am” bit. It’s abstract and not physical. I guess everyone has a mind too. The mind most likely resides in the head but might also be spread all over, i don’t know.

All of us feel different *emotions* . I think it is also triggered by thoughts (mind stuff). Although feelings or emotions are chemically induced all over by the body by hormones, the brain ultimately controls it.

The tricky thing is, we have access to the body. We also have access to the mind (we can control how and what to think), but we don’t have access to the brain and it’s workings – although we know it is there physically. Bit of a black box that one – especially the automatic/ autonomous workings, which is probably upwards of 95% of what it does.

The last bit, which is the master of the mind is the ‘ *self* ‘ also referred to as soul, ego, I, etc.
I am just vomiting out this bit – I honestly have no clue and have not really experienced it.
You can call it anything you like.

I do think this entity exists however – as we do we sometimes tell the mind not to go one way or to go one way???

So there….
2/2/22, 2:57 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: *Another disclaimer* : this is my own experiences and observations and not a proven science. So take it with a pinch of salt, ample salt actually.
______________________

Every morning, early, I have a very bad cough.

I cough all through the day, but the morning ones are particularly bad.

Especially as I am not in the elevated position yet and still lying down.

It is not a dry cough, it is a very chesty cough. Of course I can not feel anything much, but that is my assessment based on what I hear.

I can hear the secretions in the lungs and trachea making all kinds of noises when I cough.

Rest of the day, I don’t experience it that often and that much.

I have tried to correlate it with sleep, tiredness, fever, feed, any other discomfort etc. and I have unable to correlate.

One thing I realised recently was that it would be dark when I started coughing, little before 6:00am and stops after about 8:00am – it is also the time I am elevated (come to a sitting position).

If it was just the position, it should have started when I was reclined in the night and continue all night. But that is not the case. I do get bouts of cough in the night too – but it is random. Not as predictable as the morning one.

It is as though the secretions settle down here and there in the lungs and trachea and enable ok breathing all night and are stirred up every morning and start causing the discomfort.

Then I realised it was the sunrise each morning that might be starting it.

It used to be the uncomfortable time even before the stroke. I would get up before it started to avoid the discomfort – without realising/ paying attention to why I liked to get up early.

I am guessing the Sun’s pull as it moves from the horizon up pulls the secretions from their settled places causing the chaos.

After 8:00 (and rest of the day), I am upright and I am guessing the earths pull is too much to counter and settles back down.

But I am was not very sure about it. I mean, if I assume it is true for the Sun, it should be true for the Moon as well in the night.

Unfortunately I can’t correlate as I am vertical most days when the moon rises and when I am reclined down, I can’t really see the moon or know what time the moon rises etc.

And that is how I ended up looking for the influence of the sun and moon on the earth – which ended up as the other note.

It could be though – for the moon rises 50 minutes later each day and just feels random. (it takes 24hrs and 50min to go around the earth in the same direction of the earth’s rotation).

So the random cough I get in the nights – could be aligned with the moon rise (i neither know the time or the moon position or how strong it will be that day – depending on where the Sun is)… ??‍♂️
2/3/22, 10:54 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Yesterday, during the bath in the evening, and when I was made to lie on the side, I was pinched on my buttocks.

It brought to memory, when I used to get pinched on the buttocks very often in the hospital.

I was horrified. I assumed they do such things to patients in my condition. Complete helpless and unable to say anything.

It was very demeaning and frustrating and a horrible feeling.

Thoughts of such actions done in crowded places to abuse others (women mostly) came to mind and I could feel the hopelessness.

It took me a long time to realise that nobody was pinching my buttocks! I had lost all muscle/ flesh and only skin on my behind, and when I am turned to the side and they tuck down the diaper and under-pad, the skin gets pulled because of the rubber gloves they wear and gives the same feeling of being pinched ?

It was hilarious in my head when I realised it.

But the demeaning and frustrated feeling of being abused was real – and gave me a sense of what that feels like to be the target…
2/4/22, 10:54 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Last night, the TV remote hung for some reason and didn’t work. When it was time to sleep, it didn’t work to switch off the TV. The nurses tried for sometime. Tried the usual, which we all do – taking it closer, slapping it on their palm, opening and adjusting the batteries… It wouldn’t relent.

Then they did the next logical thing – try and find the “off” button on the TV. I have a “smart TV”. It will outsmart anyone trying to find the off switch. It has no buttons on it. (Don’t know if it’s by design or they simply forgot to put it!)

Anyway it was fun!

Not their struggle, but the recollection of a similar scenario…

When I was in the hospital (just after the stroke), there was a TV in my room. It had a peculiar mechanism. All the buttons on the remote worked, except the “power” button. So you had to go to the TV and switch it on, then operate the remote. The “on” button was hard to find on the TV – it was somewhat hard to find at the bottom. And from what i saw as actions, it was like a kinda joystick to push for on and move up/down for other menu options.

After I figured out this puzzle, it used to be a big source of entertainment for me.

Whenever anybody new came to see me, I would make some indication with my eyes and whatever moved of my left hand, that I wanted to watch the TV.

Then the action would start. Trying the remote, slapping it on the palm, adjusting the batteries, etc. Then approach the TV, search around for the button, after finding it, how to operate it, etc.

Most of the time, the quest used to be forfeited.

It was rare that somebody would triumph.

It would be no fun to ask the person afterwards and I had to wait for the next new person to turn up.

I know, I know, it was a cruel prank. I used to feel a pang of guilt too…

But I had to find my own sources of entertainment. Even with the TV on, my vision was so bad – I couldn’t see much.

So I had to do something.

If you have been one of the subjects, I apologise. But that is my defence – need for some form of entertainment/amusement….

And in case you were wondering what happened last night – easy peasy,

The “Smart TV” was outsmarted….

They pulled the plug…
2/4/22, 2:39 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: An optimist is one who believes everything will go according to plan. Right – first time.

A pessimist expects everything that can go wrong in the plan; will – all the time.

A realist/ pragmatist is a blend of both. Accounts for just few things going wrong and provides for just enough extra (anything).

It’s like having both salt and pepper for a tasty dish.

Both salt and pepper are as per one’s taste…
2/5/22, 10:06 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: One finds fun wherever and howsoever one can, nothing wrong in it ?
2/5/22, 10:16 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: ???
2/5/22, 10:30 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I was watching something last night regarding most the expensive places.
I gather the most expensive real estate currently is in Hongkong per sqft.

Couple of days back, I had an opthalmologist and 2 other optometrists at home checking my vision and the corrections needed in glasses.

After a lot of checking (and my amazing ability to convey ?), it was established what the power had to be. It was also established that I needed reading glasses.

So the options were :
1. Two seperate glasses – for TV and for reading (phone)
2. Bifocals
3. Progressive lenses

Progressive takes time to get used to, same with bifocals – plus it’s irritating with 2 lenses and the boundary seperating them.

So they suggested I go for the option of two separate glasses.

I said “no”..

They were telling me why it might be better, all very valid and logical reasons.

I was continuing to indicate “no”.

They must have concluded that I am insane or stubborn as a donkey not to heed to logical advice.

But how to let them know – the problem is not about the suggestion and reasons.

The problem is the value of real estate.

The most valuable piece of real estate for me right now is the 1 square foot space next to my hip on the left side of the bed.

That is the only area I can keep anything and reach it with my left hand. That space is already occupied by my bell, the TV remote and the phone (when not on my thigh). And during times – eg, nebulization; I already have to take out and keep this pair of glasses in that already crowded space….

There is very little space for anything else – let alone something that could fall off the bed and break.

If I had a lot of money, I would first invest it to increase my access by even a square inch there!

So, for me, Hongkong would be a distant second…

It does reflect to me what has value in our lives. Not just real estate but any kind of stuff.

It is good to reflect regularly – are we paying the proportionate price for stuff which hold real value in our lives….
2/6/22, 8:31 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Today is my *3rd strokeversary* .

1,095 days (well 1,095.75 days ?).

Unbelievable for me, but I have survived another year.

It has been a hard year!

Physically – it has been what it has been.

*Mentally* – it has been harder!

I could not have made it without the Love, affection, patience and care of my *Wife* , my *Kids* , my *Family* , my *Friends* , my *therapists* , my several *nurses* , support of many of you *well wishers*, several *Doctors* and lastly (but not the least) – our *Dog* !

Rather than write some boring stuff describing my experiences the last year (which I have done no shot job of – I assume), I thought I should share a sort of – objective view of the progress in the last year.

A sort of ” *Report Card* ” on the year if you will.

Everything here is also subjective. But I have converted the subjectivity to a scale of *0 – 10* , simply because we generally understand numbers better than long descriptions.

10 does not denote something is fully fine. It just signifies it matched my hope fully in that aspect this year.

Also, to be fair to the process of rehab – I have given marks to both ” *effort* ” and ” *outcome* ” I hoped for.

So here goes:

* *Head/ mind:*
Effort: 10
Outcome: 10
Comments: my hope was that I don’t go mad in the year. I think I have managed to stay sane. Although it is rare for a mad person to call themself mad. So it’s debatable.??‍♂️

* *Face* :
Effort: 8
Outcome: 6
Comments: whenever I am able to, I keep trying to move various parts. However, not much I can move yet. Most of my face still feels like wood/ cardboard . But folks who visit me, tell me I am looking better. I can’t make out, but not everybody can be lying about the same thing everytime.

* *Neck* :
Effort: 8
Outcome: 6
Comments: been at it. Sometimes I forget. Too much bending down because of the phone usage. The head eeps falling to one side. Better than a year ago though.

* *Trunk* :
Effort: 7
Outcome: 4
Comments: this is back. I have been doing my physio, sitting, some standing etc daily. I am still unable to feel the back much though. Lower back seems stronger, no control over upper back yet.

* *Torso (chest, abdomen):*
Effort: 5
Outcome: 0
Comments: still can’t feel chest or abdomen. So ya…

* *Right hand:*
Effort: 5
Outcome: 3
Comments: I just do what I am told to do during physio. Very rigid and spastic otherwise. Some very gradual movements in shoulder and triceps. No joy otherwise.

* *Left hand:*
Effort: 10
Outcome: 8
Comments: been at it all the time. Has improved much. Shoulder still weak and limited range of motion. But it feels better/ stronger.

* *Waist/ hips:*
Effort: 8
Outcome: 5
Comments: have been doing whatever in physio. Sit everyday, stand everyday, have increased wheelchair time. It has improved a bit no doubt – but very little. Still does a snake dance when standing.

* *Right leg:*
Effort: 8
Outcome: 4
Comments: doing what I can.very little improvement though. Feel I could have done more.

* *Left leg:*
Effort: 8
Outcome: 6
Comments: effort wise, I think I have been ok. Sometimes I forget to keep moving it. Have a practical problem tho’ – when I am on the mobile, it is on my thigh and can’t move it. A bit disappointed with the results though. Has become a little stronger, but very little in flexibility and range of motion.

* *Speech* :
Effort: 6
Outcome: 2
Comments: tricky one this. I know I should try more. I know the vocal chords will get stronger. The hurdles to try more are the jaw tightness and what I feel is excess saliva secretion. Those are hurdles to overcome. The bigger challenge is being unable to breathe enough. Can’t inhale enough, can’t exhale with force and can’t control/coordinate the breath to generate voice…

* *Swallowing* :
Effort: 7
Outcome: *_-5*_
Comments: this is the only area that has gone negative. I fight every afternoon – it has only become worse. I would have given a 10 for effort – but feel a 10 would be attempting 4-5 times throughout the day.

Those are the visible/ evident things. There are many invisible things – which are even more subjective.most of these have effort as “NA” – basically because I didn’t do anything

11. *Emotional stability:*
Effort: NA
Outcome: 8
Comments: outbursts have reduced quite a bit.

12. *Digestion* :
Effort: NA
Outcome: 6
Comments: has gotten better I think. Going by 2 indicators. Reduced frequency of upset stomachs/ loose motions and once in a while, feel a bit of hunger if it has been long after feed.

13. *Incontinence 1:*
Effort: NA
Outcome: _*-2*_
Comments: there are some exercises, but since I can’t feel my abdomen, can’t do any. The incontinence has gotten worse.

14. *Incontinence 2:*
Effort: NA
Outcome: 10
Comments: not in my remotest dreams did I think I would not need to use enemas. Sure, I still have absolutely no control, but the constipated uneasy feeling for days is gone.

15. *Hearing* :
Effort: 10
Outcome: 10
Comments: my hearing on right ear is still about 4/10.
But I tried something crazy and saw some crazy results as well.

16. *Breathing control:*
Effort: 5
Outcome: 0
Comments: well, I have been at the spirometer, the whistles and the candle everyday for over a year now. No change. I have given a 5 for effort simply because I could do more number of times during the day and looked for other exercises. Thing is, I don’t think I can achieve much till the body is ready and responds even a bit. So I am just doing the deed and keenly watching the canary in the coal mine.

17. *Smell* :
Effort: NA
Outcome: 4
Comments: just watching. Can’t do anything. Moving in the right direction, very slowly.

18. *Taste* :
Efforts: NA
Outcome: 0
Comments: well, can do something if I could swallow. Right now I guess the taste buds are experiencing “use it or lose it”.

19. *Sight* :
Effort: 0
Outcome: 0
Comments: left eye is much worse – non stroke related though. Right eye has also deteriorated – natural things I feel, not stroke related. Only trace of stroke I think is double vision and inability to see/ focus on fast moving things. No change there.

20. *Sleep* :
Effort: NA
Outcome: 8
Comments: have done nothing. Sleep is fine. Some rare days, I don’t fall asleep. But mostly fine.

21. *Balance* :
Effort: NA
Outcome: 6
Comments: don’t know if I could have done something. It seems to be heading in the right direction though. Big change compared to days I would feel like I am falling even when lying in bed. Now, the loss of balance occurs when I turn the head fast. Otherwise ok.

22. *Thermal control:*
Effort: NA
Outcome: 2
Comments: still very little change. I don’t feel hot like others. Once in a while, I feel cold. It will be in line with the nurses wearing sweater etc. So it must be heading in the right direction.

So, that’s the *Report* *Card/ progress report* for year 3 in various subjects.

Luckily, no failures in this course. Just get pushed to the next year if you make it to the end of the year…

So I start year 4 from today.

When I started year 3, I had a bunch of hopes. For this year, I have only one. That by some hook or crook or some other miracle, the throat will connect the dots and learn to swallow.

Everything else is either moving in the right direction or is a matter of time – longer maybe, but will make some small progress in that direction…

If you have managed to read this far, considering the above report card, and relying on your honesty, here is a pop-quiz for you:

If you have known me before the stroke. If 0 is me on 6th feb 2019, 10 is me on 5th Feb 2019,

Q1> What number would you assign to my state now?
Q2> What number do you predict for me on 6th feb 2023?

Thank you for your time and support and wishes all along. ??
2/6/22, 8:32 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Many of you had pushed me (multiple times) to put my notes/ messages somewhere.

After a lot of resistance in my mind, I yielded to the encouragement.

Whatever I could find, I have dumped it in a blog. Haven’t done any bells and whistles to it. In fact I don’t know how it looks on other devices/ screens/ form factora as I have only seen it on the phone. So apologies if you can’t read it.

If you are interested:

https://MindOfMyStrokedBrain.blogspot.com/
2/6/22, 9:15 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Thank you very much Hardeepji ??.

What do you mean by vivid imagination?
2/6/22, 12:10 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Brisa….The Secret…i think i have a summary somewhere….will share…
2/6/22, 12:13 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Cool ??
2/8/22, 12:07 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Some days back, I was chatting with my friend – something about the mind being active when not conscious.

It raked up some memories after the stroke when I was in the ICU.

I think for about 3 weeks the world was dead to me. But I was living in other fantastical worlds. From land to water to ice, they were all kinds of worlds.

Some of these are slightly hazy now – on account of the time, but many are very vivid in my recollection.

For about 2 weeks after, when I was waking up to this world, many things were mixed up (quite seamlessly) amongst the worlds that I had no way to tell one from the other. I know I acted up weirdly here mixing both.

Which got me thinking – there are so many things that are taken as given as rules of this world. Not man made rules but absolute behaviours. Eg, gravity, behaviour of light, etc. Basically the unquestionable laws of this world.

However in the other worlds I lived and experienced – made up worlds maybe; but very real to me for that period – these laws were different.

They were different but unquestionable and taken for granted there. It applied uniformly to everyone there and were real there.

What if this world and its rules are made up too and the laws we take as absolute is ficticous and in somebody’s or something’s mind?…
2/9/22, 7:39 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: There used to be a wild animal.

It used to create a havoc whenever it visited.

Schools, Colleges, offices alike.

Then the pandemic came.

It was more ferocious than the beast.

Everyone took cover.

And figured means to survive.

Now the beast is caged – looking weak and seems toothless.

Got to give it a different name now.

“Bundh” doesn’t suit it anymore…
2/10/22, 11:09 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: “Just message we’ll skip today”
_
“Cool. What do you intend to do instead?”_

“I’ll watch some TV.”
_
“It’s too noisy early in the morning. Anyway ‘news’ – same things will repeat in 1 hr in all channels.”_

“I’ll use the mobile – something urgent may be there.”

_”Are you kidding me? Important! Nothing worth your attention has beeped in a while. Everything else can wait.”_
_
“Besides, it is running out of juice and needs to be charged.”_

“I am a little tired today.”

_”Tired of what? You just got up.”

“Besides, you lie around all day afterwards.”_

“I am just not feeling like it.”
_
“How many times to have the same conversation. Feelings don’t come before thoughts! Just think differently.”_

“Ok….”
_______________

That was the actual conversation my mind had with my mind this morning before the physiotherapy session.

I am guessing the lazy part of my mind with the other part.

As it turns out, I am feeling better and feeling more alert after finishing the session just now.

Thing is, the arguments presented are the same and predictable. Not very creative that bugger.

He relies on the weakness of the moment to win the case.

In that moment, it’s very hard to come up with counter arguments.

If we think ahead, in a good state and have a set of premeditated arguments, probability of victory increases greatly…
2/11/22, 12:29 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: The “Matrix” franchise has come out last year with their latest movie – 22 years after the first instalment in 1999.

I think there may have been books and similar themed movies earlier, but the matrix probably had the most mass audience impact.

It was probably the first mind-bending concept of people living in a made up world in their minds, while physicall living somewhere else.

22 years in a long time. There have been several other similarly themed ones after….

Why do we think so however?

While everything around us seems real enough, we do have a constant suspicion that we are in a made up world.

If so; who would make up the world for us? I mean, who is easy to speculate – has to be someone we can’t understand/ comprehend – a God is the usual culprit.

But “why” though?

I can’t think of anything worthwhile from these bodies (assuming the real physical body resembles this). It could be vastly different – I don’t know. ??‍♂️

I think we don’t need any such created world (assuming it is a similar worthless body).

We don’t need anything external for this.

We all have a connected set of minds. They are connected by common beliefs. Stronger the common belief, stronger the connection and a fertile ground for construction of further beliefs and make the connection stronger.

Ex, food is a real need. But the various facets of food industry is made up stuff.

Shelter is real, but the housing industries and markets are made up.

Loke that, we have weaved various real things with created realities and we comfortably subscribe to both.

Advancements in various technologies has enabled creating more and more such created worlds and living in them.

It is a self perpetuating and self sustaining world.

Eventually we will most probably be living in a completely created world.

The “why” question remains though.

Why are we doing to ourselves what we are doing?
2/11/22, 7:56 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: “why” – for fun, and maybe even enrichment of those who created this world…why assume there is ‘one’ – could be ‘many’.
Look at Second World…why do humans congregate there ..to escape their ‘reality’, have some fun, and maybe even make some money.
Extrapolate likewise to the ‘reality’ as well being a virtual world created by ‘others’ for similar motives.
2/11/22, 8:58 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I guess so ??‍♂️
We are not happy with second life, we are making metaverses.. ?
2/12/22, 7:35 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I could wrong someone… and get away with it.

Could be very inconsequential. A small lie, a small inconvenience, a small something…. It might make no difference in the scheme of things…

Many times, there is a good reason. Many times that’s what everybody does. Many a time, that’s the social norm..

All the reasons and explanations stand good for others. But within, you know the reality, without explanations.

It’s like a blot on the conscience. It might be a small blot, but a blot it is.
Over time it fades away too. But leaves it’s very faint colour.

Like a white cloth washed with a drop of ink. Won’t make much of a difference.

But washing the same cloth repeatedly with a drop of ink of various types, will certainly change it’s colour.

From bright white irreversibly to a pale unrecognisable colour…
2/13/22, 9:32 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: When I got movements in my left hand – for a long time, I could only move the fingers and forearm. I had very little movements or strength in the shoulder to be able to lift the elbow from the bed – no matter how much I tried.

This was very frustrating as i was still getting through the experience of itches and being unable to scratch and having to ignore it.

However, once in a while, I would lift my hand and scratch my face.

I would try this again but nada. Wouldn’t happen.

I would be hoping very much that nobody sees it. Whenever someone caught me doing it, the understandable conclusion was I am able to lift the hand and I was probably pretending other times to be unable to.

It was a very logical conclusion – scratching somewhere is a voluntary thing. It used to upset me very much not to be able to communicate and convince anyone I could not do it voluntarily again.

So it continued for sometime. Later it went away – not the itch and scratches, but the convincing others bit, as I was able to lift the hand from the bed for couple of seconds so I am guessing the difference was not evident.

I have realised over a long time, that I get 2 types of itches.

One is the normal variety – externally caused, like a rash on the skin, a mosquito bite, some insect, and ant, some irritation on the skin, etc.

These I have learnt to ignore if I know I can’t reach and scratch.

The other variety is internally caused. It will start itching somewhere for no apparent reason. Especially on the face most near the nose and eyes.

These are the itches that I simply struggle to ignore even if I want to.

These were the itches when my hand would get a lift up, an unknown strength to lift and scratch.

Something I could never do by myself voluntarily.

Over time, I too forgot about it – as I could actually lift my hand to my face and it became usual to scratch.

From sometime back, maybe a bit more than a month, I have tried to voluntarily ignore it. I have enough strength and control and strength in my left hand to actually stop it from scratching.

On those occasions, the right hand acts like a broken lizard’s tail and feels indescribable feelings and moves randomly. It is not coordinated to be able to achieve anything worthwhile but I think it is struggling to scratch. I can’t keep it for more than 1 or 2 seconds and I have to scratch with my left hand.

I think it is the brain running tests periodically. I am guessing it doesn’t know where some of the nerve end points are. The only way it can make out is like a linesman trying to find out the other end of a wire, by passing an impulse. But it needs something on the other end to find out where it physically terminates. So the impulse generates an itch and it propels the hand to reach there to confirm to the brain the physical location.

So now, I just scratch to confirm. While I am tempted to watch the right hand wriggle in agony, I just scratch sheepishly.

If it is indeed running a test, I better give the right confirmation and conclusion. I have enough “wrong wirings” already…
2/14/22, 11:59 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Today is Valentine’s day.

A good day to talk about the heart.

Something I learnt recently. The head is not the only organ in the body that has a brain – strictly speaking, “thinking” assumed to be attributed to neurons.

Turns out there are nurons in the heart as well. About 40,000 of them.

There are no other organs in the body (that we know of yet) that have nurons.

Of course it may be incomparable to the brain – which has upwards of 100 billion of them.

But a nuron is a nuron. However many.

The heart and brain communicate all the time through the Vagus nerve; probably one of the most complicated of the nerves we have – as it controls very many major autonomous functions like heart function, lung function, digestion so on and so forth.

As with most other things, we don’t know what the heart perceives or tells the brain.

But it has been shown in studies, when we experience feelings of love, compassion, etc., the Vagus nerve lights up.

So the next time you say I did something because “I listened to my heart”, it might not be just a metaphorical thing. You might actually be listening to your heart…
2/17/22, 11:17 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I stopped studying biology after 10th. I hated it.

I avoided it very much – I liked things with wires.

During and after engineering, I was an engineer in my mind, I would avoid biology stuff.

In recent times, after 3 decades, I have realised I actually enjoy it. Understanding various things about humans/ animals/ etc.

I realised it was a combination of the subject delivery that had brought the aversion which I built on top of.

I spent 3 decades avoiding something because I had behaved according to an image of myself I had created.

There are many such things which I have not done because it is not me or my type , because I think so or others have told me so.

I also regularly come across tons of messages, memes, Quotes, etc. everyday.

They come in many shapes and forms – essentially meaning – ” I am like this only, take it or leave it”.

I think we are all born a clean slate.

As we grow, we acquire many things – skills, thinking, stuff, roles, etc.

The image starts slowly forming.

When we are young, we are quick to both draw and erase when it doesn’t work.

Over time though, and I don’t know why or when it happens, we replace the chalk with paint.

Now, we have to live the image…

We make the personality rigid.

Everything from what we say, what we do, what we think is not as per the freedom of our lives, but to conform to that image we have created.

It can get stressful over time – to live conforming to the image always.

Why?

I get it, it it harder to work with paint, or erase permanent markers, but it is not impossible. There are solutions…

I think it is for us to recognise that stuff can be erased, stuff can be redrawn and to recognise our real self from the image and live freely – willing to change.

We certainly don’t have to change for what others want. But willing to change for ourselves, to live freely….

If I could make a forward message, it would read “irrespective of your age, stage, status and role, have the courage to change yourself and find the liberation in it”…
2/18/22, 8:28 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: My phone is a little over 4 years old. Everything works 100%. Just the battery is weak because of the age. It’s not a problem either – it’s not like i am going anywhere to be worried I will run out of juice. I just have to part with it a few more times during the day to recharge…

Few months back, I had the urge to get a new phone. It was not a necessity by any measure – just a itch in the palm (colloquially speaking).

But I could not get myself to do it.

Before my stroke, I held a job with an IT company. It was reasonably stable. I earned ok generally – quite ok in India for a comfortable living.

I was not the splurging type, but I didn’t hesitate once in a while to buy things for me or my family – stuff on the surface that can be categorised as needless and wants.

After my stroke, this was a big impact to me (besides the fact that I could not move ie ?).

I was no longer bringing in any more money.

Sure there was savings, but the fuse for the bomb was lit. The wick would reach the core sometime – however slow it burnt.

Of course my dear wife is doing all the hard work now and bringing in the dough, my parents have been helping too and many good people have offered help..

Neither has my wife or my parents or anyone ever told me how to spend or what to spend on or restricted me in any way. I have access to it myself and can use it as I please.

But it is not the same. There is a self imposed restriction in the mind. I don’t think any amount of anybody saying it will not matter will put it to ease.

It doesn’t matter how much money I can spend also. Physical access does not mean mental access and freedom.

Generally (very generally speaking), it is assumed 1 person works and rakes in the moola whilst other dependents will have the same freedom to use it.

I have learnt (the hard way), giving access to money to someone and allowing to spend it is not the same as giving financial freedom to the mind…

 

PS: what happened to the itch? Well the years of ignoring practice didn’t help. I succumbed and scratched… I finally shamelessly asked my dear sister to get me one and she is uncomplainingly getting me one this weekend….
2/23/22, 2:40 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I had to uninstall and reinstall whatsapp. I don’t have anything after 4pm ist yesterday (22nd).

If you sent anything after, I don’t have it. Pls resend if needed
2/23/22, 5:03 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Hated biology myself, and right from childhood was breaking and putting together things .. engineering was a ‘natural’ choice, though maths have me the shivers till 9th…when got a good tutor who gave me the confidence primarily…was pretty good come 11th class board exams ( 1976, last ones i think before they shifted to 10+2 pattern) and PCM was good enough to land me in most colleges. Also landed IIT Delhi…declined as they offered Textile engineering…had got Electrical that i wanted both in Delhi as well as BITS pilani, wanted to stay at home. So…

Re image it is well established that by the time one is about 12, one has a pretty clear ‘self image’. Thereafter, most actions that one does comfortably are driven by it. Other actions create dissonance and are usually avoided.
2/23/22, 5:13 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Yes money is a major issue when stroke happens. It is fortunate if that does not happen. In fact we had to sell a plot of land maybe in a hurry since we were uncertain how long my mother’s treatment would last and finance was becoming a worrying issue.

Otoh i think ocassionally it is good to spend on oneself. Life is pretty uncertain anyways so as long as one is not overdoing it that is fine. I follow this general principle…my wife calls me a miser ?

Also read someplace – the money you leave behind is the work and associated tensions etc you need not have taken. The problem is , no one really knows how much time one has and how it will pass…

Long ago i read a small story… haven’t found it on the Net though have tried sometimes..there is a village on a hilltop with a custom/rule…on any’s 75th birthday, there is a big celebration and then the guy is thrown off the cliff !

Life hence is pretty well planned for all. Till a few, for their desires, decide to break the rule. And quickly the whole village crumbles ..

Maybe there is a lesson there somewhere…
2/24/22, 8:13 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Good to know hardeep ji.

I am an electrical engineer myself ?.

Why 12, infact, they say most of personal traits are set by 7.
2/24/22, 8:21 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Yes, finance is a very significant worry – especially if the survivor was the only or significant earning member of the household.

I like that story. Have a fixed expiry date ?.

Most crazy things around the world are wealthy folks trying to live longer and longer
2/24/22, 10:41 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: Otoh attempts to live longer and ‘better’ is the foundation of all ‘progress’…
2/24/22, 10:47 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I agree. What is the point of adding years when quality of life goes down
2/25/22, 11:03 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Sometime back, I have mentioned about my OCD issues.

It’s not fair to blame everything on ocd. Before the stroke, I have wanted many many things to be done my way. When I didn’t have it my way, I have most probably shared how it should be done right (my way of course) and why I think it is the right way to do it.

When I had the stroke, the first of things was to learn to accept (compromise?) everything the way it was done. That doesn’t mean I didn’t have a view. I had a view on everything. I just couldn’t convey anything.

This was not even things to do for me – those I still lodged my protests throwing tantrums however I could. Even if I couldn’t convey the (in my view) the right way, I would do sufficient fuss to convey my displeasure on things I didn’t like. Everything else too which had nothing to do with me.

Over a period of time, I kinda got to living a disassociated life. Sure, I was making a noise about things that impacted directly for me, but everything else regarding everything else I couldn’t care. Not that I didn’t care, thinking a lot about it only increased my angst as I could not do anything about it.

Over time, I had become good at not bothering. Not just how things were to be done, but even not caring that anything had to be done.

This sort of disassociation and dispassionate living is undoubtedly very sad, but in a peculiar way , was quite liberating as well.

It’s a very different feeling to live and not feel responsible for anything, including for your own life.

After I got the ability to communicate over messages/ mails, sure I still don’t do anything, but that ability to ignore and accept situations is progressively going down.

I will bug the hell out of someone (usually my wife) on things to do and how to do it.

There still are many situations I can do nothing about.

It is a constant argument in my mind – which ones to pursue and do something or to just let go.

I am also very cognizant that I am an armchair preacher (well armchair would have been better, I am a comfortable bed preacher). I must be absolutely irritating to everyone – I don’t have to lift a finger and to expect things to be done and done a certain way (well, actually, a finger is the only thing I have to lift ?)

When I was unable to do anything, there was no guilt of doing nothing.

Now when I have to let go, there is a constant feeling of being guilty for not trying enough …
2/27/22, 10:59 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I remember seeing a visual several years ago on one of the nature channels…

It involved a lion attacking a sort of some kind of a wild buffalo.

Usually it is a foregone conclusion.

In this instance though, the buffalo stood ground and fought back. Sure it has no claws and canines, but it had strong horns.

Seeing it fight back, few others grew b***s. Always used to seeing every other buffalo running away, took note of this unexpected behaviour, turned around and joined in taking a poke at the lion.

Eventually the lion gave up and the buffalo survived.

The lion in this case was perplexed. It expected the buffalo to run – to be an easy game.

The buffalo, as it had several generations of behaviour had to run.

But it didn’t, and lived!

It probably takes a spine of 1 in a few billion to do that and change the course of what can be called fate…
2/28/22, 9:57 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: Or maybe the buffalos, over generations of evolution, are growing more intelligent and can judge strength of unity now ?… actually similar behavior is being observed in some other species now..
2/28/22, 10:40 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Yup ???
2/28/22, 10:49 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I think we all have read many definitions of leaders and managers.

If I generalize and simplify, we look towards good leaders for inspiration and vision and look towards good managers for efficiency and execution.

We probably depended on good leaders for leading us to make decisions and policies and laws and so on. It goes without saying they had to be well educated, learned, informed, etc so that they could do the role well on behalf of a vast no of people – for whom it was not possible to fit that bill.

Also, electing leaders is very cumbersome. There is a huge lead up campaigning/ canvassing, the actual election is demanding and expensive.

I guess the 4-5 year term is to just take a breather before starting again.

Currently, there are hoards of people protesting world over – All of them protesting because their “leaders” are doing their own thing and they have to live the consequences of the choices made for them.

But frankly, do we need leaders today?. We do generally – I know, but the elected types?

With so much access to information and awareness being higher, most people can make informed decisions on their own.

With the availability of tools and technologies, we don’t have to wait for any decision. Important matters, we can just give a fixed few days for any public debate and take a poll soon after.

With fingerprint to iris scans to facial recognition in everyone’s hands, inking seems so yesterday.

We just need a good and effective Administration system – which is much easier to have.

I know, it is a very simplistic thought. But why won’t it work?

Also awareness and involvement – today, most people don’t bother as someone else makes all decisions for them. Once people realise it is them making decisions, their quest for awareness and drive for participation will only improve over time.

Looks like we have managed to have evolved the tools and technologies but have conveniently forgotten to evolve the society setup along with it….
3/2/22, 3:18 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: This need belief in God and rebirth. But if true, it’s funny ?

Almighty: “Ah welcome”.

Me: “Nice place. A little too white for my liking”.

Almighty: “What took you so long? You were scheduled to arrive long back.”

Me: “I am sorry. I had everything organized back then. Last minute glitch in plans. I couldn’t free myself in time. I have been trapped since. Very painful and long years”.

Almighty: “Well, better late than never I guess.”

Me: “Yup. That’s all that matters. So what’s the next assignment?”

Almighty: “Nothing.”

Me: “what do you mean?”

Almighty: “Well, my records say you have completed the 1,000,000 lives and there are no more assignments.”

Me: “But, but, I am cheated. I didn’t have a full life. I want to go back and have a full and complete time.”

Almighty: “Well, this one was full and complete long time back. I don’t know what you were doing hanging around there. It’s not like you were doing anything. Besides this is just the 1. There have been 999,999 lives earlier which have been full by that yardstick.

Me: “I miss it already. Can you please take me to the edge and push me down?

Almighty: “What makes you think that we are Up?”

Me: “Wait. We’re not up here?”

Almighty: “well, Yes and no. It’s a bit more complicated than that.”

Me: “That’s interesting. What is next if not going back?”

Almighty: “I don’t know. You have to decide where you want to go.”

Me: “Really. How do I decide?”

Almighty: “Timely today. We have quite a few open house’s this afternoon. Have a look and make a good offer….”
3/8/22, 10:52 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: You know what I realised, I finally caught Google being absolutely wrong!

You see… I double checked this morning and it said today was international women’s day.

I trusted it blindly and send wishes to a lot of women in my contacts. I was quickly called out as wrong by several of them saying today is not.

It’s actually “everyday of the year”

Today must be men’s day then if today is not and all the other’s are taken ???
3/9/22, 11:17 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I realised today that I have forgotten half my life. If every year is stacked up, I don’t mean a horizontal cut of 23 years, but a vertical cut of half of everything every year.

I think, when I (or anybody for that) recollect something from memory, there are 2 parts that make up the memory. One I will simply call the ‘event’ and the other part is the ‘feeling’. By feeling, it is not the sensory feeling (which is physical and still the event) but a feeling that is non physical and happens in the mind, during or as a consequence of the event.

Ex, you eat something you like, apart from the sensation, sight, smell and taste there is a feeling of joy and satisfaction of having it.

I’ll take another example. One of the first things I usually did in the morning was brush my teeth. I remember exactly what I did. Brush in the right, paste in the left, squeeze, rinse the mouth and brush for about 3 minutes before rinsing again. I actually remember the order in which I used to go to cover the teeth.

But try as much as I want, I can’t remember the feeling. Of having done it. Feeling of freshness. Feeling of satisfaction. etc.

As I examine many many other things – simple stuff, complex stuff, etc. I can remember everything about everything to the minutest details, but nothing of the feeling.

Its like having a structure but empty inside. A huge mansion which is completely unfurnished inside. Like a fireplace which gives only light but no warmth and coziness.

Did the stroke blow up some circuits which controls feelings? Or memories are dynamic things where we have to regularly revisit and revitalize the feelings.

Recollect the same events, but feel differently each time.

Does it help tamper with old memories or help temper the feelings towards events over time.

I just know, right now my memories are cold hollow shells , having no flame of warmth in them ?

PS: why I ended up thinking about it… I was trying to hold my breath. It’s been 3 years since I have been able to breathe voluntarily and hold my breath even for a fraction of a second.
Something I did everyday several times. I remember all the physical aspects – deeply inhaling, expanding the chest, the diaphragm pulling down and stopping. But I could not recollect the feeling. The emotional feeling of fullness.
I tried recollecting many ways – just plain , how I felt during yoga asanas, how I felt during meditation/ pranayama, how I felt holding breath underwater, how I felt on the bike – holding breath while passing through a foul smell, etc. But nothing.. I just can’t feel the feeling by recounting the memory ??‍♂️
3/10/22, 3:01 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: I was recently reading a blog by somebody, regarding the health roller coaster ride they are having the experiences and advice to folks reading.

It is not new. I have come across and read many many such experiences, journeys and advices to everyone.

Depending on the circumstances, the illness, the criticality, etc, the advices vary.

Most common ones range from eat healthy, exercise regularly, sleep enough, get regular check-ups, avoid something, don’t ignore red flags, etc, etc.

I was wondering what I have to give as advise (unsolicited ?) to others from my experiences.

Doing all of the above didn’t really help.

So I would like to tell:

Eat healthy
Sleep healthy
Exercise and stay fit and healthy
Get regular health check-ups
Avoid unhealthy habits
Pay attention to health indicators

Do all of the above and when Mr. Murphy, with his battlecry of “when something can go wrong, it will” comes knocking on your door.

Have a very good and comprehensive Health Insurance plan – for yourself and your family.

It will be the difference between anxiety and some peace of mind.
Between having your shirt on versus being driven to bankruptcy.

Even if you are working and the workplace has something, reassess it and get any additional cover you feel your circumstances warrant.

From what I can guess, your family will do anything possible under the circumstances and won’t give up no matter anything – and that is not a very reassuring thought….
3/10/22, 4:15 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: Yes indeed insurance is very important..feel free to put on the group…
3/10/22, 4:18 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Ok
3/11/22, 11:40 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: When I was a boy, in school, my mother used to wake me up early in the morning. Most of the time it would be to study when it was close to the tests/ exams. Later, it was regular – as I had to go for my maths tution. it was at 6:30am, so I had to be up early and get ready and cycle about 15 mins to get there…

I would reluctantly get up, go brush my teeth, finish my morning ablutions and change my clothes. It was Nutramul/ Maltova/ Bournvita/ Complan days and a big nice hot mug would be waiting for me. I would gulp it down, take the cycle and get to the premises as fast as I could. I would usually make it just in time or just late and would squeeze myself in the corner at the back.

For some reason, this teacher loved simultaneous equations/ quadratic equations and it was very common to find very familiar problems on the board which he would give and go home (adjoining) for a cuppa.

That was the time to snooze for me. More often than not, I would hear him suddenly come and shouting at me.

Except it would not be the teacher but my mother. Would turn out, I never got up when woken up in the first instance and I had smoothly transitioned between the reality and the dream world and doing everything there. It would have been just a few minutes in reality. I would be so disappointed – for I would have to do everything all over again!

As I grew up a bit more, this slowly stopped. Although I was thankful, I also missed that experience for sometime and I later forgot about it.

Last night, I found myself in some place. It looked posh. It might have been some hotel lobby I think. It’s dream world and I was ok. But in the dream I remembered I was not ok usually. I don’t exactly remember what I thought was wrong, but there was a distinct feeling that I was not ok usually.

The men’s toom was also very tidy and clean. I remember the distinct feeling of happiness that I could take a leak normally. I couldn’t make out why it was a big deal and very satisfying but it was very satisfying. I closed my eyes with happiness and felt nice and warm and wet.

Wait… Warm and Wet!

That’s when I smoothly transitioned back from the dream world to reality.

Only thing is, there were no things to be repeated this time. I woke up the poor sleeping nurses at a little over 2:00am, who uncomplainingly changed the sheets, my clothes, my diaper, cleaned me and put me back to sleep in the unearthly hour….
3/12/22, 11:09 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Somebody recently remarked on the tolerance I have shown with regard to my journey.

On occasions, I have also been told I have been very strong, very brave , so on – through dealing with all circumstances after the stroke.

I have reflected and pondered on it many times. I don’t think I thought myself weak or fearful etc. but I also hadn’t associated myself with brave, strong, etc.

I have honestly wondered how and where the drive is coming from.

After a lot of thinking, I have narrowed it down to 3 things mainly.

1. The affection, care, patience and help of my wife, kids, close friends and family.

I know, it sounds like the customary mention of a recipient of an Oscar’s acceptance speech – but I can’t highlight how important it is to have understanding, support and most importantly, patience from folks around you when going through something like this. Most times when I have been difficult and stubborn to anybody in the normal scheme of things, I have done it knowingly that I am being difficult. It takes a lot of patience to recognise that I am coming from an abnormal scheme of things and put up with it.

2. I have often read and heard things like chose to be positive, chose to be strong, chose the right attitude, etc… very similar things.

I think what really helped me is not having a choice.

If there were choices, I don’t think I would have pulled this far.

After the first several months, I realised that I don’t have a choice. I definitely wanted it all to end, but I realised it won’t. I can’t end it and nobody will either. So I existed not by choice but the lack of it.

One of the things that has helped me along the way is asking myself the question “what’s the alternative?”

It helps me see that there is really no viable alternative to what’s ahead.

It has crossed my mind many many times that it is a dead end and I should give up and stop. But when I run the alternative scenario in my mind – it only ends up with more suffering for me, more struggle for my loved ones, overall a much louzier scenerio for everyone and for a prolonged duration. If it led to an assured end anytime soon, I would have picked it.

3. I have been doing the gym thingy very many times earlier. After a few days, it is common to find myself (everyone I think) in front of the mirror flexing the muscles or on the scales often or with an inch tape depending on the goal.

It is very well known and foolish to expect any difference in just the first few days. But if lucky and with rigour, a small change can be noticed in maybe a month. If we keep up the routine and discipline, in 3 months, we can definitely expect to see results and recognisable changes.

However when you don’t see changes in 3 months, 6 months, a year etc, you realise you are not in the same game. Sure you will see some very minor changes – but it will probably be over 18 months or more. In the months scale nothing happens.

After the first year or so, I gave up on any expectations.

It’s not like I have stopped doing things or don’t want to get any better.

But I now do things simply because it needs to be done and not because it will lead to something.

Surprisingly, that outlook has helped with not only physical rehab stuff, but has extended to the mind.

Just doing the things needed not expecting the outcomes.

I can be very sure, if I had continued to have any kind of expectations, goals and targets, I would have given up and stopped long long time back due to disappointments after disappointments

This is not a path of successes and victories, it is a path of failures upon failures, and it takes a while to get used to it and become thick skinned about it.

so, #1 is not me. It gives me immense strength but comes from outside.

#2 and #3 are probably the most appropriate way I have of saying it.

I know it is not very glamorous and I can’t coin it to some catchy phrase which can inspire or motivate somebody, but that’s what it is ??‍♂️

I guess it is just living with the flow of things with minimal resistance to everything….
3/13/22, 10:59 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Few days back, I heard our housekeeper saying that my younger daughter’s cycle had become small and needs a bigger cycle.

It’s been 4 years since we got this. I remember having taken the girls to decathlon (a big sports goods store) and having got her this one. I think it was a white/ pink combo and she was thrilled with it.

Her birthday is less than 2 months away and will make a nice gift this time around.

Needless to say, I was quick to get online and do the research and try to select.

Gosh, I simply cannot start with all the varieties and options out there.

Cycles come with shock absorbers nowadays! No more bumpy rides…

There are so many varieties of seats – hard to soft to comfortable to wide to springy etc, etc.

And the gear chain mechanism – is a world of it’s own.

She won’t need gears though – it’s only mainly around the apartment.
Maybe a basket in front will be helpful which she can use for the bag she takes to play.
Don’t need a carrier maybe.

I felt a bit like a kid in a candy store. Gosh – I wish we had all these options when I was a kid. I would fo nuts literally!

I got my first cycle when I was in my 5th. It was a cute red cycle small size one. We had bought it second hand from a guy who had grown out of that size.. I liked that cycle a lot and would cycle to school everyday – school bag on the carrier and lunch basket on the handle.

Later, we used to have severe water scarcity in Bangalore and became the mule to help us transport buckets and plastic pots of water from the community borewell (hand pump) for a while.

It served us well.

Soon, I got to High school (8th grade). It had gotten a bit small for me also. I also needed something more reliable as this school was far (~ 10km I think) and I had to go on busy roads.

So one fine day (I don’t remember any particular event), my dad took me and my mother to a well known cycle shop in the city (I think it was called Raja cycle mart in City Market , near Town hall)

I knew what I wanted – it was the rage those days and a new design. It was called the “Ranger” from “Hero cycles”.

It had a new handle design – nobody else had something similar.
The tyres were wide and – unlike the usual thinner ones.
It didn’t have the usual clunky chain guards – it had an open mechanism and would be very easy to put back a slipped chain.
It had smaller and lighter mud guards – unlike the big and boring ones with flaps at the bottom.
The carrier was slim and light – unlike the usual ones.

I can go on and on. In short it was new, sexy and super cool. Just the thing for bloke in a new high school!

I went straight to that section and started gawking at the displayed pieces. I liked it in a burgundy shade and I was dreaming how I would look.

To my horror, my dad was not interested in the super cool thingy.

He was examining and enquiring with the salesmen about the traditional hero model.

It was so bland in comparison.

The usual bent handles, the big long seat, the clunky chain cover, the bulky carrier. What was wrong with him!

I tried everything dropping hints – being absolutely disinterested with what was being explored and discussed and instead going over to the other section.

I don’t think I voiced it openly though.

The usual model was some 600 rupees and the cool model was 850 I think. 250 rupees clearly was a lot of money some 32 years ago.

In hindsight – the bent handles would have been sturdy, the bigger seat would have been more comfortable, the chain cover would be safer preventing the pants from getting stuck in the chain and preventing the grease from coming on to the pants. The sturdy carrier would be more stable – the bag in high school was bigger and heavier. Clearly he was doing the right thing for me.

We didn’t buy anything that day.

I remember I came out of the shop and started wailing. It wasn’t sobbing quietly, it was loud crying with tears rolling down my cheeks.

It had been a long time since I had cried like that. I think it was a combination of sadness, anger and embarrassment.

I just would not get into a rickshaw with them. I started walking to my grandmother’s house. It was quite a long distance away (had to go across JC road and some more – present day VV Puram food Street). About 4 or 5 kms in all I think.

I didn’t want to walk with them. I crossed across and we walked on either sides of the road. I remember I was crying the entire duration till we got back.

I don’t think I had demanded anything from my parents till then. This was the first time I had shown a preference, and I was being overruled! Could they not see that I too had a wish and a dream!

It was then that it struck me what I was doing – when it was my turn – 32 years later!

I stopped the research I was doing, closed all the browser windows and put away the phone….

 

PS: what happened later – 32 years ago?
A few days later, my dad took me to a cycle shop, close to home (it was in Sheshadripuram – don’t remember the name) and bought me the “Hero Ranger” – “Burgundy colour”.
250 rupees was a lot, but a lot less in comparison to my feelings I guess.
I also think my mother had something to do with vetoing the decision….
3/16/22, 11:47 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I have mentioned many times earlier about my battle with a few spoons every afternoon.

Usually it is a soup of tomato or carrot or a combination of the two.

Given my tolerance, no spices are added. Just a pinch of salt to taste . It tastes good and I have got used to them.

Few days back, I was given something else. I couldn’t identify the taste/ flavour.

So I asked later and I was told what it was.

It’s a vegetable I must have had a million times in all possible ways. And I couldn’t recognise it! Its plain naked as well – no other spices and flavours.

I then realised I don’t get the taste of the others properly also. I just imagine it is so because of the colour. More towards Red it must be tomato and more towards Orange it must be carrots. And combinations for the hues inbetween.

I don’t actually know what it tastes like.

It will be fun if I do a blind taste test. I am guessing they will all taste similar.

Even more fun, if no blindfold but food colouring is used ???
3/17/22, 11:17 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: As I go through this journey/ process of rehab, I am realising it is a process of patience and efforts.

It is probably different for different conditions and strokes, however this is what I am encountering.

Of course one needs to exercise both for any recovery – generally speaking.

However I guess it is not a case of both overall, but sequential for every bit.

Initially, when I was just a lump of flesh and bones, I could not move a muscle anywhere. I guess there is a lot of encouragement to do things etc etc. However it only needs patience and more patience.

I remember, there was everyone encouraging and pushing to do this and that, do more, etc. And I would be wondering what they mean.

The brain was not connected to the body. Its very difficult to describe the feeling but simply put, I didn’t know what it means. I knew what is being asked but I didn’t know what it bodily meant.

For ex, I would be asked in physio to move some part, in swallowing therapy i would be asked to swallow harder, in speech therapy I would be asked to voice or blow or cough etc. In all those cases, I knew what was being asked but I did not know what it means bodily. This is an absolutely frustrating time.

This just needs a lot of patience. The brain has to heal. It has to do its work. I know there is a lot of do this do that. There is also a lot of think positive, imagine stuff, visualise etc. It might work for some. I don’t think any of it worked – at least for me it didn’t.

I don’t think anyone can predict what the brain will do, how long it will take, wether it will etc. Its an absolute black box.

So it needs a lot of patience. To just wait, without knowing whether it will do its job.

It also needs another kind of patience. To recognise that everyone comes from a space of encouragement and not get irritated but to just ignore calmly.

At some random time. I knew what is being asked. What to do.

However the prolonged immobility had caused so much atrophy and muscle wasting it’s not even funny

I guess this is when the brain figured out the way, but the brawn is not capable.

It then shifts from patience to effort. Relentless efforts. Continuous efforts and more efforts. It takes a heck of a long time too.

Building some muscle, giving it strength, giving it range of motion, developing flexibility, developing gross motion to fine motor actions, etc. takes a lot of time and effort.

This also needs some patience. Folks who have not been used to see you move, will ask you to give it a rest, to take a break, don’t overdo, etc. It needs the patience to recognise it comes from a space of care and not get irritated with anyone, to ignore calmly and keep at it.

Plus, the sheer joy of being able to do something after years – it just trumps any caution and is simply unstoppable.

The transition between is not sudden either. Thare is no switch that gets toggled. Sometimes for some things it has been months.

I guess this is the time when the brain is connecting by trial and error each time. Sometimes you can feel and other times you can’t. Somedays you can move something and other days, same thing doesn’t move.

This needs a different kind of patience. To not get frustrated with self but to be on heightened awareness to observe the changes and recognise when the connections get strong and the feelings and movements consistent and reliable so that we can shift gears from waiting to start acting.

What I described above is not for the whole of the body either. The phases are traversed for every muscle and ability, and each of them are working on their own timeframes.

So the whole body is in all the 3 phases at different parts.

So you are exercising patience/ waiting, awareness/ observation and exercise/ action for each part seperately all the time.

The tricky bit is to understand which part is where and act accordingly…
3/18/22, 10:49 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: It was quite warm today.

It’s getting to end of March and summer well and truly has set in.

I don’t know what everyone is fighting about with global temperature rise to be kept below 1.5⁰c. it feels like a lot more than that already.

I usually sit out on the wheelchair in the family room at 4:00pm. We have a pedestal fan near where I sit and by the time I get there, someone would have already switched it on.

Today, it was not switched on. The usual breeze was missing. There was no natural breeze either. Normally, there is a good breeze from the balcony owing to the height we are in. Today it was very still.

I remember when I was in the hospital 3 years ago. Everyone was so troubled by the heat when I was not feeling anything…

Wait a minute.

It was warm today!

That means the bulb of my thermometer – which was blown, is slowly getting fixed. New mercury is being replenished!

?

Now I know its going to be gradual and very slow. But the needle has started to move.

3 years! I think I recently wrote about waiting…

I don’t know when it will become ok.

Come to think of it. I don’t think there is any way of knowing.

I know that I feel some warmth. But how much?

Every sensory perception, is assumed same and absolute only by consensus.

There have been several instances where several of us are in the same room and few will be feeling the AC is too cold and fine for others.

Same absolute temperature.

But how everyone feels on the skin, how it gets perceived by the brain and how it gets interpreted by the mind is totally unique for everyone.

No absolutes there.,.

Same applies for every perception. We just agree wit no way of really knowing what each other really perceives.

Come to think of it, I think the only thing that we easily agree to disagree is sounds.

You and I can look at the same thing and it is ok to call it by different sounds.

We just say we are speaking different languages…
3/19/22, 11:24 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: “Energy can not be created or destroyed but can be converted from one form to another.”

It’s something we have learnt in school and is a law by itself that governs us – the whole universe.

Human beings, all beings actually, are arguably just energy.

That includes animals, aquatic life, insect etc.

Also includes plants, shrubs, trees, etc.

All things with a life, so to speak.

So what is conception and giving birth to another life?

Same as hatching or germination.

A new life is created.

A new bundle of energy.

Does the energy of the mother (parent in general – most don’t have a gender), become lesser at thit time or energy just grows.

I would think it grows – the parent is unlikely to make it if energy is taken away each time. (Huge no. of kids earlier!)

I would think the energy contained grows bigger as we grow.

I guess this is well known – that energy comes from the food we consume.

It is plant and animal energy that we ingest.

When we expire? Where does the energy go – it can’t be destroyed.

In one form or the other, it goes back to the planet, to the earth to the soil.

So the plants can absorb the energy, the animals can get it from the plants, and we can get it from both to sustain and grow our energy.

So,

SAVE THE SOIL
https://consciousplanet.org/
?
3/20/22, 11:51 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: During this rehab, I have encountered two kinds of effort.

Effort of the mind and effort of the body or muscle.

When we do something, it is very hard to discern the difference – because they happen together. Instantaneous!

Ex, we usually think we want to move the hand and it instantly moves.

It is absolutely difficult to discern that we first had to think of it and that thought caused it to move. This is a voluntary action – it is practically impossible to realise it for autonomous actions.

Ex, swallowing, voicing, closing the nose when we blow, etc.

However, with my case of the stroke and consequent condition, the two have been very very amplified.

Sometimes there is as much as a 2 second gap between my thought and causing the action – however little.

It is extremely effort intensive and draining to do it. I have never managed to sustain the effort or intention or will beyond about 2 seconds.

It is not like thinking of something – like many times said in meditation. To focus on something an focus and not get distracted.

It is a completely different kind of thought or intent. There is no way you can get distracted. You simply cannot even start if you have any other thought.

And the mind gets fatigued. Very fast. When the intended action doesn’t follow, it fatigues very very quickly and stops. Staying on the intent is extremely tiring.

The other kind is something we are familiar with – the muscle getting fatigued and tided.

The muscle simply empties the stored energy (the biology is well known), and simply is done. Can’t move anymore even if the mind wants it.

The closest I can think we would experience this in some endurance activity – ex, long distance running – where after a point, the body probably has som energy left and it is now the mind ‘s part to stay on the will to extract the last bit from the body.

I have another example, probably easier to relate to.

When we do some guided repetitive activity, ex, lets say your coach in the gym has asked to do 30 pushups – 30 being your best so far.

You start pushing, 10 is a breeze, 20 was difficult but ok, 25 you are tired, 26, 27, 28, are very difficult, 29 is draining and 30 is absolutely asking everything. You have just given everything you have got, lifted yourself up and 30 it is. Just before reaching the top, you were ready to crash down roll over and gasp for breath – you had to hold your breath for the last one.

That’s when you hear your coach bellowing “one more! Come on just one more”

And it splits.

Its now mind staying on the intent, pushing the will to see if there is anything left in the muscle.

There is probably something left in the muscle. But is there anything left in the mind!

I don’t want to exaggerate, but when asked to move something which is not yet connected firmly in the brain, every repetition feels like the 31st one.

After about a few times, I can distinctly feel, when the mind is staying on the intent but the muscle simply won’t move. I know then that the muscle has fatigued. Time to stop!

The real struggle, for months and months, has been to understand the difference to put effort in the right place….
3/25/22, 8:24 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Some days back, in the afternoon, I felt a bit uneasy in my abdomen area. I can’t feel much there, so couldn’t make out if it was my stomach or intestine or liver or something else.

Anyway, I wanted to be cautious so asked my nurses to reduce my feed volume. My wife also suggested I avoid the usual feed and have gangi (boile rice water) till i fell better.

I normally sit out on the wheelchair at 4pm and sit till 8pm. Sometimes even 9pm.

My bladder can hold a max of ~300ml. By 7pm, it is usual to have passed urine twice.

Not that day, it was 7pm and not even once. I was also feeling very tired and couldn’t sit longer.

I thought if that much fluid (I had had full feeds till 2;30pm) had made it into my metabolic system surely the bladder world have given way.

If the intestine had absorbed it, and the kidneys had not filtered, i would be bloating – especially at the ankles. That was not the case.

I had also felt a bit gassy in the abdomen, but if it was stomach gas, it would have come out from the mouth.

So I assumed it was in the gut, and I had some infection in the gut, so a bout of loose motions followed by fever was in order.

At 7pm i wanted to be moved back to bed.

Usually, the nurses help me stand from the wheelchair to the standing contraption. After that they make the sheet, underpad etc ok on the bed. Then one of them stands in front of me and the contraption, the other is behind me, supporting my back. Then with their support, I take 1 step turn, and 2 steps back. By then the back of my knees is aligned with the bed in the spot I need and I sit on the bed. Afterwards they lift the legs, align me etc .

Not that day, when I had to take those steps, I was so drained, I could not move my legs.

I just collapsed. I didn’t fall to the ground. The nurse at the back somehow held onto my weight (whatever it is now) and the other joined.

They somehow dragged me the distance and one of them had to do a WWF manoeuvre to roll me onto bed. They were understandably shaken and almost in tears. They felt relieved after i indicated I was ok and in one piece.

8pm, next feed time. Still no urine. Where was it all going .

After 9pm I stared feeling very uneasy again. I was ready for the flood gates to open and loose motions to start.

About 9:15 I could feel the abdomen area tighten. More uneasiness.

At 9:20 it finally released. To my horror, the dam hadn’t burst. The volcano had erupted instead.
4 feeds in all, over 1200ml. Nothing had gone past the stomach.

The body was struggling to throw up. It doesn’t have the vomit and gag reflex to do the job. It did what it could. Hence the tiredness.

Normally it is a good thing. A sence of relief after throwing up after an upset stomach.

It is if it all comes out. In this case, half of it would have gone into the wind pipe(trachea)

If it is a small quantity of foreign matter, there is enough secretion to engulf it and cough it out.

Not this much. It must have gone all over the lungs.

So I started coughing. Nothing much was coming out. But i was coughing reflexively.

Past 11pm, I was still coughing.
By now every part of my chest and abdomen were hurting because of constant squeezing to cough.

Hang on, isn’t it great. I haven’t felt my abdomen or chest in 3 years. Ok, not a great time for that celebration.

Continue coughing.

The cough was getting feeble now. The abdomen was cramping and not being able to support the cough.

I don’t know what the time was. I couldn’t keep the eyes open.

I could constantly hear the words “saturation” and “temperature”.

I couldn’t see it myself as it was on my right hand and at an angle not visible to me. I couldn’t care less.

I don’t know when it was, but I heard my cousin’s voice. He is the lucky person who gets the pleasant calls at this hour. His luck charm – he stays in the same building.

After sometime, i could feel tubes going up my nose. So they should have connected the oxygen concentrator. So the saturation must have gone below 90.

Still same talk..

Then I heard my wife talking to the doctor and whether I should be brought to the hospital.

From the reactions and conversation from this side, I think he might have said – no need if I am maintaining 90 with the concentrator.

But the talk didn’t end with my cousin. It was not a time for casual talk. So even with the concentrator, it had to be somewhere mid 80s.

Then I could hear a lot of “hospital” and “ambulance”.

Lower 80s then.

I opened my eyes and indicated no. It was a bleak resistance. A battle that was lost before it began. I just lodged a protest anyway.

I next heard the voice of a very good friend. A very lucky fellow. I have 3 such lucky friends. He is the luckiest of them. His luck charm – staying 10min from our house – probably quicker at whatever hour it was.

After sometime, I could hear the stretcher

I hate stretchers. Most of them can’t be elevated to prop up the head. Lying flat only increases aspiration and cough.

This one was james bond style.

After shifting me onto it, the guy did something and it not only elevated the back and head but also the leg part folded down. It magically transformed into a sort of a wheelchair. I was brought down sitting to the ambulance.

In the ambulance the legs remained straight, but i could sit up.

The ambulance guy fastened me with 2 belts very tight and securely. That should have given me a clue.

He drove like Ansel Engort in the movie “Baby Driver”.

The nurse was with me inside the ambulance. Below my waist was fastened, but above the waist it was doing a snake dance. She was struggling to keep me from falling.

Finally we arrived. My annual pilgrimage destination…
3/25/22, 2:37 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: We arrived at the destination. I could see my wife, my friend, my cousin and my nurse.

It was not home ground but familiar turf. Good to have familiar faces on the team batting with you.

Getting to the emergency department – its like going into the jungle.

Leeches instantly start sucking the blood, an insect pricking your fingers to see if you are sweet and tasty, the serpent on your arm, with its tight stranglehold, being ripped of your clothes, the pulling of the thorns – taking stock of your heart, etc

Then being spread on the flat stone – to see how photogenic your lungs are, etc

I am familiar with this adventure.

They removed the tshirt i was wearing and instead of the gown coming on, they closed the screens and made the bed flat. Then off came the shorts i was wearing.

I can’t lie flat but I didn’t care , it would take a few seconds anyway.
Instead of feeling the fresh garment on me, i could hear the rip to remove the diaper.

Now, I am in the flat position. I can’t lift my head to see what they were doing.

Then I felt cold and wet all over my tap. Through my position of the head and sort of sideways tilt I could see the top a tall brown bottle.

In a hospital setting, that could only be betadene solution.

I just moved my hand at nobody in particular to suggest “what”.

To which someone replied “urine”.

That made sense. They were cleaning the tap.

When I was here 3 years back and for 5 months, changing it was a daily affair, somedays more due to physio.

But I don’t remember them using betadene even once. Maybe they did when I was taken to the ICU I wouldn’t know.

It’s called a condom catheter. As the name suggests, the rubber covers the tap and a hole at the end allows to connect the hose so when you pee, it goes into the hose and gets into its bag. Convenient.

To my unprepared mind, next came pain, and more paid and lots of it. As usual, I couldn’t scream or protest.

I don’t know what they did, as the diaper was back on when I was elevated – not to mention, I was coughing throughput.

The last time I had felt so much pain in the tap was when a doctor had conducted a procedure for my kidney stone.

The next day in the ICU, when they came for sponge bath and removed the diaper, i could see.

The hose was connected directly to the tap.

If the kidneys trickle down something, it’ll go directly to the bag through the hose.

I haven’t felt like peeing since that pain. So I haven’t peed.

But 3 times a day, they empty the bag and its about ½ a litre each time.

So we realise we are peeing only if it flows in the tap. So the hose must have been pushed beyond the tap to go directly to the tank.

Interesting….

I’ll surely burn like anything when the hose is removed and urine flows back through the tap. Shudder to imagine that.

And what about incontinence? Surely the tap will have forgotten it’s it’s job to stop the flow…
3/25/22, 8:24 PM – Hardeep Sodhi: You are very brave and strong Sreekanth. Remember, this too shall pass. All my prayers for your relief and recovery earliest ??????
3/25/22, 8:26 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Thank you Hardeep ji ??
3/25/22, 11:42 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: When I was in this hospital – needing them to supply feeds, it was 3 years ago.

Had to take their service this time too.

When they get the feed, they also give a bottle of water with it.

They only need about 100ml each feed.

Very soon, the bottles build up . At the rate of 3-4 everyday.

There is a stand on which they are kept – neatly stacked next to each other – to better use space on the stand.

In the room previously, it was meant to be a shared room for 2 patients. Naturally, it had 2 of those stands.

One the nurses used for feeds and the other exclusively for storage of the bottles among other things.

I used to ogle at the bottles. Whenever anyone came, the first thing they did was grab a bottle and glug it down (it was a hot summer).

Not this room. It is a single room. Only 1 stand.

The nurses need it next to me for the feeds.

Its on my left side. The hand works.

The bottles are neatly stacked next to me.

Come to think of it, that’s the closest I have come to a bottle of water in 3 years

Its quite hot tonight as well

How I want to grab one and glug it down – just to experience the simple thrill of it.

I know how it will end.

But I am already in the hospital. Just a few floors down is the ICU. I am in safe hands. I know the drill.

It will be a battle between the rational mind and crazy/ adventurous mind tonight.

There goes my sleep….
3/26/22, 8:08 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I am not in the ICU. clearly the rational mind prevailed.

The crazy fellow started his opening argument with a lot of drama. Blah blah. Quench the thirst of feeling… Blah blah blah.

The rational guy opened his argument simple. It was the opening and closing one.

He simply said: “it’s all looking very inviting and great only because they are glossy new bottles. New bottles – their caps are sealed. You need two working hands to break that seal. So stop with the drama, go to sleep and don’t wake me up again in the night.

So I recognised the winner. And went to sleep…
3/26/22, 9:00 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Before they moved me to the ICU, they sent me through the doughnut.

Don’t know if it was for MRI or CAT.

I hate these.

Not the doughnut bit.

But the will make me lie on a flat slab, no pillow also.

That is enough to start my cough dancing.

They will be shouting from somewhere “don’t move sir” “stay still sir” etc.

By some miracle, if the coughing stops for a few seconds, “take a deep breath sir – and hold it”

And I’ll start coughing again. (I’ll first try to laugh ?)

I honestly don’t know what scan they can do while I am conscious.
Just have to accept the report whatever it says.

But there was one benefit this time.

Somebody who has drowned for a few seconds and water has gone into the lungs gushes out when laid flat.

Well i hadn’t got water and not just then. It was un-digested feed from hours ago.

I was shocked with its colour (a mix of brown and black) and the amount. It was very thick and gooey too.

When I saw that, I was like – on boy.

Definitely lung infection and pneumonia a guaranteed prize.

Anything more is a bonus..
3/26/22, 5:28 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Normally at home, I mostly watch news channels.

All of them are live streaming channels on YouTube.

Every so often they boast how good they are, how they are top rated, or the fastest to break the news etc.

Or sometimes some political cartoon, some pandemic message or somebody screaming how important it is to act now to save the planet.

Thing is, these are the times they don’t know what to do.

Their real counterparts are showing advertisments and earning money. But they don’t want to show the ads on streaming channels as it becomes free on another medium.

The brand’s don’t want to pay for the online counterparts because well – there isn’t enough viewership online.

So I get to enjoy these “fillers”.

This room has a TV with a few of the same channels.

The real deal!

I feel like having seen a celebrity for real, having seen only on screens thus far..

Here I get the real deal.

One lousy commercial after another. Repeated in succession .

The illusion is broken.

I prefer somebody screaming themselves hoarse to save the planet!
3/26/22, 10:02 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: Yesterday morning, one of my old physical rehab doctors – their head of the department actually, visited me in the morning.

He did a cursory assessment lifting each limb, pressing the various muscles and hopefully understood what he can only understand.

After all that, he told me that my PEG tube was looking very bad and I should get it replaced.

I thought about it. It seemed like a genuine advice.

The first time it was replaced after 14 months. Its already 16 months since, and it is looking bad.

I thought about it. I am already in the hospital. Yes I am recovering from pneumonia, but I am doing nothing else.

Besides, lungs are pulmonology department and stomach is gastro department. Shouldn’t interfere much.

So I sent a message to his assistant to go ahead.

You can’t change the pipe when the tank is full.

So yesterday night was the last feed. I was kept on empty stomach after with IV fluids only.

This morning they wheeled me down to the gastro procedure room. There are 4 of them actually and a common big recovery room.

It was very crowded this morning. Folks were running everywhere and shouting at one another regularly.

I normally enjoy this. Just observing everyone and their expressions etc.

Not today. I had not been fed for a long time and had too much antibiotics running in my blood. I was tired. I just wanted to get it over with soon.

So I waited. I am assuming there was some token system. But I could not figure it out.

It just seemed like whichever attending person made the most noise got it first.

I was at a disadvantage. I couldn’t make the required noise and my wife, I later learnt, was battling the morning traffic.

At one point, I overheard one of them coordinating with another seemingly authoritative nurse, saying “op first, ip can wait”

I am thinking, what logic! Shouldn’t they give priority to in patients over outside patients!

I was in the queue for what seemed like ages! In the real clock, it must have been ~ 3 hrs.

Finally, it was my turn.

I heard them ask and confirm with the coordinator whether consent form was given for sedation and they said ” yes”

I froze!

Somebody had come in the morning asking for consent and I thought it was consent for the procedure and I had asked my nurse to sign it .

They had permission to administer general anesthesia.

With pneumonia, it would be fun to go under!

One of the doctors, who had done the procedure last year recognised me.

He declared I was very fussed last year and have to put the old style peg tube and needed to sedate me.

I had made a fuss last year. They had put the new style tube and I had kicked up a storm and they had to redo the procedure 2 days later to put the old style one.

Because the new style is much shorter, very different in operation and my nurse then had a said it was very inconvenient. I had figured, if she was struggling (a reasonably qualified and experienced nurse), it would be the same story with all other home care nurses.

So I had kicked up a fuss and got it changed.

I didn’t think it would come back to haunt me.

After speaking with each other, he turned to me and asked if my wife was outside. I indicated no.

Then he said to me, “sir the new style is much better and it is a easier procedure. The one you want is a longer procedure and we have to do an endoscopic insertion and will give me anesthesia. Which one do you want?”

Two thoughts came to mind.

1 – the two departments didn’t speak with each other, otherwise they would have known my lung condition and pose that question. That’s scary!

2 – I am like an addict for the anesthesia experience. I was wanting my fix for a while. If I indicated “old”, they would do it. They had the signed consent form. I could experience turning off the world and everything for sometime.

But I was very tired by now and just wanted to get it over with. Rational mind prevailed.

However, changing my mind completely without apparent reason and I can’t say why – would throw them into a doubtful spin.

I assessed the risk. Them given the choice, I knew which side they leaned – it was a busy morning. They would want to get rid of me quickly.

So I gambled. I indicated “anything”.

I think they were relieved.

They took my bed in – they said no need to be shifted to the procedure table for this type.

One guy inserted what they referred to as “guide wire” through the existing peg tube. Its a thinner version of a brake cable.

At some stage I flinched.

It touched the stomach. He didn’t stop. Pushed it further for what seemed like 3-4 inches further.

The other held it firmly in place and said “sir, there will be a little bit of pain now. We have to take the tube out”

I nodded “ok”.
In my head it was “oooooooooooooooookay”

Then I was expecting some complex instrument and process.

He just yanked it out. With his hand..

He didn’t look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Nor did he use his leg for counter pressure.

Anyone of us could have done it anyday carelessly. Scary!

There would be with a hole open in the stomach. Reminded me of Jim Carrey in the Mask .

They took it off, held the guide wire all along, wiped whatever juices came out, inserted the new tube through the guide wire, applied betadene, applied some gel on the part that had to go in, pushed it in, injected 10 ml to inflate some baloon, put some gauze and tape and said done.

I think the actual procedure was 3 minutes.

They asked me I was ok.

I showed a thumbs up.

In my head I was screaming “I am cheated! I Waited 3 hours for 3 minutes of entertainment! I am disappointed! I want a refund!”

But they took me out.

After 30 minutes of even more frustrating wait, I was brought to the room.

In the world of peg tubees, I have acquired a shiny flashy new car today…
3/27/22, 8:55 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I can be a very irritating fellow.

I don’t have to do anything extra. I just have to be myself.

For example, I sympathise with the X-ray person. All of them.

They bring the portable x-ray machine to my bed.

He will elevate the bed, prop me up.
He can’t do this alone. He needs to ask someone to help drag me forward and place the x-ray plate behind my back.

It takes time to get it right, Position it correctly. Remove the support pillows – so it is a clear view.

Then the x-ray camera itself. It moves in all the 3 axes. Much like a dentists light.

Adjust the distance, adjust the flaps to get the right area focus the beam right.

Then he realises my head is drooping. Its blocking some of the area.

“Sir, lift your head up”.

Of course I will start the irritation process.

I can’t lift it up and hold it.

He will think he found the problem. The pillow under the head.

He will remove it and help lift the head.

The saliva that has pooled in my throat will tip into the wind pipe.

I will instantly start coughing and dancing

It will ke sometime to settle down.

He will realise everything has moved .

Speaking calmly but visibility irritated he will do the whole drill again.

Finally, he will lift my head. I’ll be waiting for it .

Gone again…

I haven’t experienced someone with enough patience for a 3rd round.

I am guessing, in his head, he is thinking

“Oh no. Not again. I have a busy time, others are lined up, I can’t spend all my time here. I hate this job! I hate the hospital”

“Besides he seems alright”

And aloud,

“Radiation”

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beeeeeep

Click .

He grabs the x-ray plate, quickly packs up the machine, and storms out…
3/27/22, 10:55 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: I feel, every type of place evokes certain types of feelings. It also makes us think a certain style.

Ex, we can be at a school – and feel one way.

Or be at an airport – and feel different emotions.

Similarly – hospitals.

Our behaviour changes, we speak softer maybe, a little more sensitive to how others may feel – perfect strangers. We won’t usually feel that way if we saw the same folk in a park.

It usually evokes very deep questions about things too.

When we see somebody else suffering, we think what would I do in that situation.

We find some answers. Convincing or otherwise.

Of course, few hours later, the scene changes, emotions change, mood changes and that train of thought gets derailed and fades.

Of course I have the luxury of being in the space. And the luxury of time.

In the ICU, its even more stark. Nobody is allowed to disturb us. No phones, no TV, no nothing.

You only have the company of thoughts.

As this is a hospital. The destinations for the trains are already set.

So I thought, might as well board one of the trains and see where it takes me.

I was in the NICU. I could see at least a dozen folks there. I got later shifted to MICU. Another dozen folks there. The probably have an ICU for half the alphabet.

One general observation by glance and more than half the folks are above half the usual human age.

Within that group, half are in the last segment of life.

What are we doing bringing them here?

Ya ya, I understand it’s for medical intervention.

But nobody I know has lived forever.

The entire human age is inconsequential in the scales of the cosmos anyway.

What will adding a few days or months or years do?

Besides, after a point, life span and quality of life is generally inversely related.

I could see most of the very old folks – sedated, tubes running around , iv lines running, machines beeping all around, etc.

What happened to being at home, amongst family/ friends. Familiar faces and loved ones. Listening to what you want to.

Is that left to old books and movies?

Its an industry running on selling hopes to the loved ones.

If hope doesn’t work, fear will.

Nobody in their sane mind and stable emotions will refrain from taking their loved ones to the hospital/ ICU.

After a point, it’s up to me to tell my loved ones that its crossed that line, I have done everything I wanted to do, if something crops up, i want to be at home and not to take me to the hospital/ ICU…
3/27/22, 8:32 PM – Sreekanth Kesava: When I come to the hospital, I think about dying. The isolation in ICU helps.

Not mine (well that also), but dying in general.

Anyway I as usual worked up the mind about what has become, the physical struggle etc etc and finally got to the same ending.

How to end it!.

After several permutations and combinations same result. I can’t see it through. Not now. Definitely not alone.

So I wondered who would help me.

Nobody I can think of.

I can understand the simple reason.

It’s classified Suicide. Its not allowed in this land by law.

For argument’s sake, if the law didn’t restrict, could I enlist someone.

It’s still next to impossible.

it is labelled “Suicide”. Suicide is “bad”

Everything from God to fear of bad karmas will stop anyone from helping.

From what I understand, anything related to God and karma and rebirth is because everyone wants to have a better chance at liberation.

We have taken it as truth – whether read from books or spoken etc.

Books and anything written is written by men only I guess.

Spoken stuff is definitely man.

Nobody is lying, they have written and spoken what they have experienced. Now what they have experienced cannot be shared.

Also, I don’t know now if the experience was in the shared world or their exclusive world.

To really understand the reality, we have to liberate the self from the body. Dying is the first step to find out.

Any other further liberation is next.

So instead of saying “I want to commit suicide” will it help remove the fear by saying “I want to liberate myself from this body”

Will the “bad” label slowly go away?
3/28/22, 7:09 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: ?????? hope you are feeling better Sreekanth.

You raise complex questions Sreekanth with which many struggle, and there are no fit-all answers since each will be placed differently.

Some say all is pre-determined. If so, actually all being done / faced is the only possibility. Maybe there is purpose in all…or maybe there is none. Since most of us believe in God..and His purpose, accepting that is perhaps getting nearer to Him, and to salvation.

Have you read the Book of Job ? I haven’t in its entirety but think it raised similar questions we all have. Here a summary :

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Book_of_Job

All my prayers for relief and recovery to you Sreekanth ??????
3/28/22, 7:11 AM – Hardeep Sodhi: Hi Sreekanth…I am thinking of putting your thoughts on our Website. May edit / intersperse with my thoughts a bit. May I go ahead and do that ?
3/28/22, 8:12 AM – Sreekanth Kesava: Sure hardeep ji

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